Hi everyone
I don't really know where to begin so apologies now if I sound like I'm waffling but I have reached my breaking point (finally).
In 2007 at the age of 27 I lost my lovely Dad to a fatal heart attack and my world changed forever. He was just 54. I was married (still am) and threw myself into helping my Mum who had never worked, and my little brother who was 11 at the time. There was no life insurance to cover what was quite a large mortgage and my Dad had always dealt with the bills and paperwork etc. I absorbed myself in funeral arranging, helping Mum with the bills and teaching her slowly and gently how to become independant. I also found out shortly after my Dad died that I was pregnant with my first child, and that's when the trouble began.
My husband grew incredibly resentful of the time I was spending with my Mum and the help I was giving her. He started spending most of his evenings in our local pub and we would have very heated rows about how my Mum was "taking advantage" of me and using me. In my opinion I wasn't doing anything that any normal loving daugther would do. He was angry that my Dad didn't have life insurance, sure so was I but it happened, what could I do - we had to get on with it.
When he drank he became very abusive in a sense he would say things like "our child would be a b because he had my familys blood in him", or my Dad deserved what he got. I used to sob and sob. I was always too worried to have my Mum and little brother round my house through fear of upsetting my husband.
I had a difficult pregnancy which resulted in Bells Palsy for 3 weeks, and then an emergency section at 37 weeks as a result of Severe Pre Eclampsia. My baby boy thank goodness, was fine.
The night I was admitted to hospital my Grandad passed away after a short battle with Cancer. I didn't get to go to his funeral.
When we came out of hospital it was lovely at first, but then my husbands controlling became worse, I wasn't allowed to give my Mum a key to the house to let herself in, I wasn't allowed to give her lunch if she came round to look after my baby (even though I did). I wasn't allowed to treat her to anything even though we earn well and Mum was in such a difficult situation.
I pushed it all to the back of my mind and separated my relationshiop with my Mum and that with my husband.
Then in 2008 my husband and I went out with friends for the evening, he drank quite a lot, and when we came home my Mum who had been baby sitting our son (for some reason that was ok as it was convenient for him so we could go out), left for the evening and my husband picked a fight with me. My baby boy was asleep upstairs. The row escalated and I stood up for myself and gave him a few home truths. This resulted in me being dragged across the floor by my hair, and he tried to throw me out of our house. I fought back and my dress got ripped, he threw me out and then came to the door with a kitchen knife and told me I wasn't coming back in. I was terrified that my baby was in there, neighbours came out and they called the police. When the police came they knocked on the door and my husband answered, smiling with our baby in his arms and said in front of them to me " have you calmed down now??". I burst through the door, grabbed my son and rushed upstairs. The police followed me and I was too scared to tell them what he had done so I just said we'd had a heated row and he scared me a bit. They took him away to "cool off". The next morning he came back and went straight to bed, I woke up and had bruises running down my arms and 2 black eyes, a cut on my nose and a little bald patch where my hair had been pulled out.
When he saw the state I was in he broke down and sobbed and sobbed. I didn't want him anywhere near me. Over the course of the day I allowed him to cuddle me, he seemed so sorry. I covered the bruises with make up and got on with my life.
If you knew me you'd think this would be the complete opposite as to how I'd react to this situation but I was a new Mum, I'd lost my Dad and my Grandad, I wasn't allowed to work full time any more as my husband didn't want our son in a nursery, and I was scared to be on my own.
He promised it would never happen again and he pretty much stopped drinking.
Months past and our relationship was ok, still up and down but ok. He's a good Dad to our son. Then on boxing night 2009 he drank a lot again and after friends had left, he accused me of not paying him any attention. A row followed and he was violent again, this time I had bruises around my neck and on my arms, but he stopped himself before it went too far. I went to bed crying and he came upstairs crying, he wanted to have sex and so we did.
That was the last time we slept together, Boxing night 2009.
Something died in me that night, but even after I kept going, I didn't want my son to grow up without his Dad and he had never witnessed anything his Daddy had ever done.
He still wasn't keen on my family and so I never really discussed them or had them round the house. I didn't speak of my Dad and I would just cry when I knew I was alone or play a song that remimded me of him, anything to feel close to my dad.
Then in Jan 2011 my world came crashing down when my lovely Mum was diagnosed with cancer, after such a tough battle she died on her own in September a few weeks after my birthday, in bed aged 55, something ruptured and she bled out. We had to break the door down, it looked like a crime scene. I felt absolutely broken hearted.
When I went home that evening my husband said "don't let our son see you cry" and I went to bed alone. Again I was in a situation where I had to help my brother, fortunately I have another brother who he could live with as I wasn't allowed to have him come live with us. I had to help in secret as much as I could through fear of rocking the boat.
Over the years my husband has run my confidence down to a point where I've felt worthless, the lack of sex in our marriage is due to him, he doesn't want to sleep with me. I've been rejected so many times and despite my pleas for him to talk to me about it, he doesn't. He is just full of anger.
In rows he tells me I've let myself go, I'm a fat c, why the f would he want to sleep with me. And I've taken it.
It was my Mums 1 yr anniversary of her death last month and something inside my has snapped. My son is nearly 5, he started school in Sept. I've finally confided in my best friends who have been amazing, I feel confident again (well a bit more than I did) and I have an amazing child and wonderful friends who make me smile.
My husband has his own business and works from about 8am, till 10pm most nights, including Saturdays, we see him on a Sunday for a few hours.
I feel like a fog has cleared because I know now that I will never be able to make love to this man again, not because he doesn't want me, but because I don't want him. I replay all the things he's said and done over and over in my head and it's making me stronger by the day. I miss my Mum so much I can't breathe some days but I also feel like she is with me, if only I'd have told her.
Everyone thinks my husband is a good guy, and in fairness he can be, I don't want for anything, I can spend what I like. But I know now that at the age of 33 I can't live in this lonely, loveless, unhealthy marriage any more. It has taken me so long to get here and now that I am I don't know what to do or where to begin.
My one and only reservation is that our son adores him, and has never seen the side of him that I have. I am scared the splitting up our family for my happiness is selfish and the wrong thing to do.
I would be so grateful for any advice, and I appreciate you taking the time to read, I know this has been a bit of an essay. I hope you don't feel I'm weak for staying as long as I have.
X