Not sure how to get past this impasse.

[AgentZigzag]

I'm on employment support allowance and after a medical they said I'm still eligible for it until 2014 but we're above the income allowed to get it, so my benefit stops in five weeks time.

The jobs I can look for are limited because I have really bad OCD/related anxiety shit, but I was motivated to finding something I could do, I've been working at my qualifications in the time I've not had a job so at least I have things on my CV. Joined all the job websites, looking at working from home, making things for ebay, cleaning, further training to make use of my qualifications, how to improve my CV, got myself some interview clothes etc etc.

But one of the things I did to prepare for the money stopping was to go through our accounts, see if I could get better deals on direct debits and that. I also went through the shop receipts because I knew we spent a bit on alcohol but wanted to know exactly how much. DH knew I was doing this and seemed fine, he drinks a fair bit (as I do) but I don't keep track on how much or what it costs, it's never a problem behaviour wise or anything.

The receipts showed his alcohol was costing four times as much as mine (not telling you what mine costs though ). It's a fair whack and I said he'll probably have to make inroads into cutting some of it out, I also said me cutting down on what I drink isn't really going to solve any problems, and he didn't take kindly to that and said he's not making all the sacrifices because he goes out to work and earns all the cash so he'll be buggered if he's going to go without any of the alcohol if I'm not.

I can kind of see his point and it did look like I was saying it was all up to him, his alcohol bill is huge though! But that's not what's bothering me, it's the fact that he tried to pull rank on me with regards to him being the one in work so he gets more say than me on the money front.

I've always done the finances, he's never been interested in where it goes before. He's never once insinuated that I'm anything less than an equal partner in our relationship. He goes out to work full time and I look after the children and house, he doesn't do anything during the week at home (but is fine if I ask him to) and I'm totally alright with this.

Before my money's even stopped though he's trying to make me feel like I'm a subordinate in my own home. He was going on about why I'd only applied for one job yet, which is a combination of my OCD/anxieties and lack of confidence and the fact that there aren't any to apply for. And when I said that he said well get a cleaning job - which I'd already said I would do!

He's just totally undermined the drive I had for looking for work and I feel like a cunt for the efforts I've put in so far. I'm also worried about the way this is going, I don't want to feel beholden to him, but he's already bloody using it as an argument that he can drink as much as he likes regardless of the cost.

This happened on Sunday and he apologised a couple of hours after and has tried to talk to me a couple of times, which after we've had words I would usually have calmed down and everything would be OK quite quickly, but I don't know what to say to him so I've said nothing I know I do this with other people and just shut down into myself, but I never have with him. I'm worried in case it shuts something off in my head and this will get worse rather than better.

It looks like I'm sulking from the outside, but I'm really not a sulker, I loathe it. This is more because I just feel so hurt and a bit betrayed by him using that against me when he knows what losing the benefit and the prospect of having to replace the money means to me, and I don't feel I can or want to talk to him about it. I don't want to give him anything else of myself because I'm in such a vulnerable position.

Sorry I've rambled, it's been going round my head since Sunday and I keep ranting to myself about it when nobody's around but it can't keep on like this for much longer and I don't know how to crack it.

Mistlethrush, that is very bad advice . If my dp did that, I would show him the door

Even if it wouldn't make that much difference monetary wise, I think I'd say that we both need to cut down our drinking by x percent to save money now we have less income. I say that because we are a team and therefore the team takes the hit! I think it would be unfair not to even make the gesture regardless of the money involved and I can see why your dh was annoyed.

As an aside, I don't think it is ever good to consume something everyday that's not medication or water. My particular vice is chocolate so i dont practice this myself yet. But I think thats in reaction to coming from a family with alcohol problems...

helennn your short post speaks volumes. Have you read about financial abuse?

Thanks for the cross stitch suggestion Han, I'm not sure it's DHs cup of tea, but I'll put the idea to him

I put me saying it wouldn't solve anything if I cut back in the OP for fairness, I could have left it at what he'd said, but it really was me saying that which got his back up.

That's not to say I won't make sacrifices, but I don't spend that much. I'm crap at buying clothes etc, I get them for the DC, but I don't drive so everything is bought online. I've been putting money into getting Christmas presents for the DDs since July, and their birthdays are both in December too, so it needs spreading out.

I suppose I did say things I shouldn't have, I told him I was going to drink more not less, and instead of looking for work I was going to drink gin and watch Jeremy Kyle all day leaving the housework for him to do when he gets home But I look on them as a fair response to him asserting his Authority.

It sounds a weak, but I agree with what you said Hellenn, I'm a bit fragile with some things and the prospect of being forced to be with other people looming closer is tipping me over the edge a bit.

I'm prepared to do whatever I can to keep the money coming in, and from the outside it only looks like a case of 'well, get a job then', but I can't ignore the mental health problems I have. They're not made up (HA! as if ATOS would ever pass me on a medical if they were), I wish I didn't have them, I want to work because it's piss boring being a prisoner in this house and in my head, but DH keeps forgetting these bits.

This is extremely difficult. Perhaps your husband is stressed and doesn't feel able at the moment to cut down his drinking. I must say if I earned a lot of money I'd be a bit put out to be told what I could and couldn't spend it on. Provided all bills were being met.

Hope you get sorted out Agent. I am quite unreasonable at times and so is DH. Although he never will admit to being unreasonable. Could you not spend the money that you now spend on alcohol doing more fun things as a couple and with the family.

He is actually one of those rare types Viv, who don't mind accepting they've been unreasonable which has influenced me positively because I don't mind doing the same.

It wasn't that I was telling him what he could spend it on as such, (I hope) I was just pointing out something I know he knows anyway. He was probably kicking off at the situation as much as at what I'd said. I don't blame him in his drinking, I use it as self medication to take the edge off too, but until I can get a job, we can't go on as we have been.

Feckbox - my comment was only in the light of 'you can't tell me what to spend MY money on - go and earn your own' and I'm sure that you never present your DH with that sort of statement.

Have you considered taking in washing sewing to fund your booze bill, Zig?

'He was probably kicking off at the situation as much as at what I'd said.'

I keep thinking about writing this, maybe that's the bit I was looking for when I started the thread.

It's not excusing him in the tack he chose to take expressing his stress, I don't think he could have predicted it would have hurt me so much, and because he's not the type to say things aimed at cutting to the bone I can only think he maybe doesn't think it seriously, although I accept there might be a grain of truth in what he says.

I've considered lots of jobs Izzy, but funnily enough drunken sewing didn't cross my mind (although I used to do a lot of pissed up embroidery). If I got behind in my work DH could pitch in and help couldn't he?

Thanks for listening, your advice and guiding me gently to my senses

I know people have much worse problems, especially on this bit of MN, but I'm a bit of an obsessive drama llama

I It was much better last night, I said my piece, he said his, we agreed crossed wires and stress were mostly to blame, then we had a couple of bevvies to seal the deal

Hope you manage to give your DH a metaphorical kick up the jacksy Hellenn and he takes note. Take care.

I am a bit of an insomniac at night and it is on evenings (about 5pm) when I am tired that I just crave a drink. I'm feeling washed up (or someone has wound me up) and the couple of drinks lifts my spirits. But the downsides is that I then fall asleep in front of the tele, so it becomes a vicious circle.

So am now not allowing myself an evening drink unless I have slept badly the night before. Imo there are negative side effects from drinking so every night is too often (though confess to doing that for years unless I was going out somewhere).

So, AgentZ, do you and OP just watch tv in the evenings or are you ballroom dancing/ playing canasta/ writing novels. Or, like me, do you doze the evening away.

I tried knitting in the evening, though am not very good, and am now doing a jigsaw. I watch tv but either switch continuously because of the adverts or because I am bored so find something else to do as well, browse a book, do a jigsaw.

I don't drink before bedtime because I think it must affect your sleep (as it is definitely affecting your brain) and dehydrates you so wonder if your health problems might be improved by drinking less. Though I am in my 50s and it might be that age means I am feeling the detrimental effects more.

Helennn you could look into a pt job but first make sure that DH agrees to pay half of the extra costs, childcare (whatever that is, childminder/ after school/ granny (grannies should be paid imo), cleaner, extra travel costs involved. I don't think that that is unreasonable. Just tell him that that is 'how others do it'. He obviously has no clue what is involved in being a SAHM so that would be a rude awakening, and you need to get out a bit. Remember you can't change other people you can only change yourself.

Up until a few weeks ago I was studying in the evening Bessie, some of it was sleep inducing, but I mostly thrived on the adrenaline produced by panicking at some deadline/word count or other

I haven't denied myself for...I was going to say ages, but I can't remember ever not drinking because I thought it was doing me any harm. I think because I drink 'a lot' but in moderation, ie I don't get pissed, it's never impacted on anything in my life and caused a problem that needs resolving.

I feel lucky in that I can't drink alcohol after I've eaten, (I need a cuppa ), so that stops me drinking past 8 o'clock. Also lucky in enjoying the effects rather than the taste, I know if I carried on drinking until going to bed every night I'd probably be an alcoholic.

I can totally understand how it spirals for some people, thinking 'I don't care, I'm so fucked up I deserve to be happy (knowing it's an illusion) for making it this far'.

A good check on me is the DC as well, I would never let myself get into a position where it was affecting them.

I've not changed in years, so hopefully the system I have going works to some extent.

Thanks for your post though, made me smile because I used to play canasta with a great friend of mine (over drinks/munchies of course), good times