Is it possible to truly get over divorce?

[Couragedoesntroar]

I've been separated for a year, starting divorce proceedings against an increasingly angry husband. The kids are fine so far. Mostly I'm happier, I couldn't have stayed married, I was emotionally dying. My friends are great and I have felt absolutely supported & in good company. But I long to be physically touched & life is harder. I do doubt whether I will ever feel at ease in the world again & I wonder if I will ever be touched sexually by someone I love again. Is it that it is just early days at a year in or is life now just about adapting to an unsatisfactory compromise?

yes ; you can get over it... I have been separated for 26 months and divorced for 18. I feel no hate or disdain for my ex. I just don't care about him, except in his role as the dc's father. He was an abusive drug addicted shit who put me and the kids through hell. Best decision ever to leave him...

Yep agree with nicholarse too

I am almost 3 years in and have known long since my life is a lot nicer and calmer and that our divorce was the right thing although when he left it was dreadful

Its things connected to the DC that can get to me. This week DS 16 went off for a job interview in his shirt and tie all nervous but hopeful and I wanted to tell someone about it who loves DS like I do.

Then I very occasionally speak to xh on the phone about our DD and I am reminded of how unlikeable he can be and I say a silent prayer of thanks hes gone to get me through the call !

I read an article 3 years ago in Good Housekeeping titled" Divorce : The present that keeps on giving " . It was spot on.

For me it took about two years to properly feel myself again and ready to meet someone else, which didn't happen for another two years when I felt brave enough to try internet dating. I met my current partner about nine months into dating and we've now been together for three years. HE is that loving, supportive partner that you doubt the existence of - as I did too, if I'm honest.

I wasn't happy being single for four years and I was lonely. I doubted that I would ever feel 'proper' love again or have a sexual relationship. I completely understand how impossible it seems to you at the moment. I was 44 when I met my new partner.

A part of me still grieves for the lost life, although as other posters have said my feelings for my ex husband have disappeared. I still feel an acute sense of failure regarding my DS who was 10 when we separated. My ex and I are on good terms, in fact I believe that he would like to be genuine close friends with me which I don't want. We divorced because he had met someone else and simply said he didn't love me any more. I was absolutely crushed and at one year in I was still crying more days than I wasn't.

It was the most painful thing that has happened in my life, even worse than losing a parent for me. So I think that the scar will always be there, but it does fade and, like the other posters I can honestly say that I am happier now with a man who is not constantly looking over my shoulder for a better offer.

It is so interesting reading your experiences. I separated from my exH in January if this year and for the first 10 months I think I was on bit of a high; taking small steps, finding work, finding a routine, and now I have just crashed. I am suffering from depression and I think I am now grieving the loss of my marriage.

My ex is an alcoholic and so the drama keeps on happening and I feel very alone, a long way from my family. I have met someone else, an old friend from my past who has been very supportive. I am very hopeful for the future.

Sounds like it's early days for you.

I've been divorced 7 years now. Most certainly have got over it and moved on, best thing I ever did divorcing him.

Within a few years I had other boyfriends, and am now living with my lovely wonderful partner, with a job I love, a house I love, good firends, hobbies, holidays, a lovely DS, life is so so so much better thatI never look back.

Thanks for your replies. I have just spent the last few days being bombarded with rageful email and torrents from STBXH. As nicolarse pointed out it's the problems of the marriage but magnified. I moved on the divorce proceedings and he is livid that I want legal advice & help. He is always right. He has never been wrong nor unreasonable from his point of view and if I differ I am wrong. I'm still sure it's the right thing to look at legalities & saves this tussle down the line, but it is horrid.

getting it so is the gift that keeps on giving! Helpful to hear from others of you that things move on and feel easier, but I guess I know that there'll still be the pains you describe. I suppose life isn't perfect, married or not. getting are you still single but happier? I guess I'm curious that if I don't meet another partner will I feel happy once the storm is over? I do feel better today and stronger for having stood up to his ever-reasonable emotionless posture. He makes me feel like I am being quietly barged by a rhinoceros!
llare I'm sorry you're struggling. It's a very extreme aloneness isn't it. More alone that being alone. I hope these replies help you too.

It is hard. Now divorced but found out about emotional affair that turned real last July and had only just lost my mother in February so it was a bit of a kick in the guts and literally my stomach had problems up until about July this year. Have been on a couple of dates and did do internet dating which I would recommend as it really helps with the recovery as you find there are plenty of nice men out there even though you may not fancy them or them you but it does give you an ego boost which sometimes you need. It is much easier now although I still have some bad times (very few now), normally when I hear a favourite record but I look at him and he is much more of a mess than me and whilst I am not being vindicative it helps to know that he did not find it easy either.

Courage I am in no hurry to get coupled up again and just enjoy going out with friends and not having to ask if OK apart from sorting out a babysitter of course! I also went through the nasty texts but I rang him one night and said this has got to stop. You need to talk to me you ring. Any more texts and I would call the police. He stopped then and got really upset on the phone. His nasty texts were because he was also hurting although hard to see it at the time. I am much happier now and realise how much I compromised and put up with. Can't believe it. I am also better off financially.

It shocks me too losing how much I compromised. I can't believe it because he is so logical, and kind of reasonable, so I always bent. It's good to hear that you're not in a rush to meet someone else. I don't think I really am either although I realise now I want something that was absent in my marriage. My STBXH has only ever shown any emotion over the legal stuff & that's self-righteous anger. He moved seamlessly on at the end of our marriage and that hurts. Thank god for friends.

I moved on the divorce proceedings and he is livid that I want legal advice & help. He is always right. He has never been wrong nor unreasonable from his point of view and if I differ I am wrong. I'm still sure it's the right thing to look at legalities & saves this tussle down the line, but it is horrid.

He is livid because you are taking action to close the book on your marriage and he is no longer in control. Was he controlling generally? It sounds like it to me. My ex was immensely controlling but I didn't realise until I went to see a solicitor just how much he had taken over EVERYTHING and he, too, was ALWAYS right.

Block his emails. I did, as well as all other contact. I didn't even read the texts he sent me and I didn't ask him for ANY help whatsoever and still haven't, even when he has tried to muscle in offered to help. If not possible because of DCs then limit your conversation to only that. He will want to hook you back in to old ways of interacting because it would give him the illusion of control again. I wept and mourned many times in the last 18 months and only at the weekend I was horribly sad. But I'm still here OP.

Yes, it's horrid, but very, very survivable and you will.

Yes nicholarse I think what I used to find steady and safe is actually controlling. I worry that I've changed the story after the fact to suit me and maybe I've pushed him. I do feel very angry with him, although i don't want to use the legal process as a way of venting that. It is confusing escaping a marriage. Re the legal I have pushed him but let him petition me (I had an exit affair) which is painful but I think it's fair. Maybe the fluctuations in feelings just go with the territory & we learn to surf them forever.

Not forever, no. Only whilst you are in the process of cutting the ties. As for you changing the story to suit you - he will have his story and you have yours.

I reckon you should forgive yourself and then maybe you'll be able to see what you need to do and move forward with it.

Thanks nicholarse hopefully it will get easier once ties are cut. I hope it gets easier for you too.