I don't get on with my in-laws. Am I being unfair?

[whatsthestoryinbalamorytoday]

I don't get on with my inlaws at all but actually feel guilty about it. I've tried in the past to get on with them (and my husband agrees) but there's just such a difference in culture, opinions on child-rearing etc, that they always end up offending me.
In the past my FIL has called me racist names, insulted my culture and religion, but my husband insists that he thinks he's being funny.
When I was feeling really down and my dd was 4 months, my FIL started saying I looked pregnant. He knows it upsets me but still says it. He started kicking me on the arse aswell.
My MIL is just a sterotypical MIL!!! Snide comments, 2-faced, smiles to your face and you know damn well that's she's saying the complete opposite when you're not there.

It's got to the point where I dread them coming round to see my dd. I avoid it like the plague and now feel like resorting to either going out, or making an excuse to stay upstairs whenever they come round. Am I being out of line?

o god they sound horrible! why feel guilty? you've made an effort and they haven't, your not the one causing tension in this situation they are!

Personally I can't understand why your DH doesn't back you up. Surely he must take some offense at his father doing little more than insult his wife.
I love my in-laws to bits. But there were times years ago when his dad would make all sorts of comments about black people - all based on racist crap and stereotypes...until Dh pointed out that my step mother was African and I actually have 10 brothers and sisters who are black. Just like many others, his attitudes and opinions were based on total ignorance and he honestly hadn't thought about it being insulting and even though he did occasionally slip (very, very rare I must add) - the disapproving looks from DH always stopped him and he would actually apologise.

the worse thing is that I don't think they realise what they're doing. They are very much jekyll and hyde type people. one day they'll be as good as gold and the next will be awful.

i never stop them seeing my dd but is it fair that i start avoiding them myself?

my dh backs me up to the point of where he says if i don't want to have anything to do with them-that's fine. His mum especially is a very volatile person and he's an only child. Suppose he doesn't want to rock the boat.

I wouldn't be happy with avoiding them. I think I'd have a serious talk with your DH if I were you. They are his parents and surely it's his place to say something first.
I know it's hard, but by avoiding them, it sounds like you'll just be giving them ammunition to use against you. How many hours a week do you have to see them?

We usually meet up once a month, which is down to them more than anything. When dd was born MIL tried to take over-used to tell me she was taking my dd to the park and I wasn't allowed to come, or that she was going to take her for the day and I had no choice, etc. These things never happened because we put a stop to it straight away so since then, she's stopped taking an interest.

I know it must seem really petty but whenever they do make plans to come, I start to dread the visit as soon as it's arranged. They turn it into such a chore, MIL always wants to come up when it's convenient for her and doesn't think about if we're tired etc. Recently we canceled 2 visits because of my husband's awful shifts at work, and we usually insist they come up together so we can get it over and done with in 1 go. They've insisted the FIL comes up on Sunday even though me and my dh have spent no time together all week.

I don't have to see them alot but have to DEAL with them, all the time. It's just so exhausting and has caused a lot of misery between me and my dh.

Even though it's not easy - You have to insist that you have your own lives. Have you tried giving them a specific day, making it sound like it's for their benefit. For example, say the first monday of every month. Tell them it gives you time to plan and you'll do them a tea or whatever (nothing special - sandwiches and cake or whatever) - from 4 til 6.30 or whatever. It might be a bloody chore - but at least it only means that you have to face them 12 times a year and you get to controle the time and day.

and don't be frightened of telling them that you're just too busy or tired at the weekends and that any time you do have is for you, Dh and the kids.

I actually concocted a timetable years ago and gave people specific times when they were free to telephone or visit. People hated it (and me) for a while, but they soon got the message.

that wouldn't work at all!!!

We sent out birthday invites 6 weeks in advance for my dd's 1st. My family all took days off work and we had a seperate party which was great. My inlaws came up and my MIL had just worked a 12 hour shift at work and was miserable. She ended up having a row with my FIL and totally ruined our day!!!!

MIL has a week off and her schedule is to 1st meet her friends, then go to the sales.....we come bottom of the shit pile when she's got 30 mins free on such and such day with no other options.

We recntly had our garden done up by pros and spent alot of money onit. We begged her to come because she had a few days off-she said she couldn't. We found out she went home to watch the grand prix, and the other days off where spent going to see her friends or being an agony aunt for the local vet!!!

Then play her at her own game. If she arrives unannounced - put the kids their coats on and say you were just on your way out(ignore whatever time it is). Explain that you have busy lives and have to stick to pre-arranged dates in order to see everyone. If she can't come when you want her to...tough...she waits until your next available time and date.
lets face it, without meaning to sound nasty - you're not going to damage your relationship. It might take a while, but she'll soon realise that she can't run your lives, and if she doesn't realise - then she can't be that bothered.

the hardest thing is that she always says the right things. Always apologises if she wakes us up, makes food for us when we go round there, or brings it with her sometimes. She's one of those people that smiles to your face and you JUST KNOW the kind of stuff they say behind your back. I overheard her once or twice and have heard her speak about her friends she's known for 30 years!!!

If you know she does all this on purpose, it's definately time to play her at her own game. When I had my timetable, for some weeks, certain people would always phone or call round when it was my (or my familys 'time) and Ive often ognored the door.
Play it nasty and then when you see her face to face, act nicey, nicey "Oh I'm really sorry, that's why I said come on (whatever day/time) so that you wouldn't have a wasted journey). She'll know you're game playing as much as she is - you just have to stick it out until she cracks...and she will.

joash
you sound like a hard nosed cow...in the nicest possible way!!! I suppose i don't feel guilty for them at all-more for my dh.

Do u think i should force him to speak to them-then again he's so bad with words I'm sure he'll make the situation worse...also I don't want to become the typical DIL!!!

I have a friend whom I love dearly - but she refuses to call me when she knows I'll be available. Because I have so much on over the next couple of months (family, work, assignments and other college stuff, visits to family, etc, etc - not to mention some 'social' events personal and work based)- Anyway I asked her to phone on sunday afternoons, when we can have a good natter without interuption. So far she has called every night this week. Monday and tuesday she knew we had visitors coming. Wednesday we had taken the kids out, thursday is the one night of the week that DH and I make sure we have off from everything to do something together and tonight is a late night (GS stays up, and we spend time with the kids, etc). She has called every night and lets the phone ring for literally five minutes. We just ignore it - even gs (who's 3) looks at the phone and says "it's Vicky".
She's done this before and she's just playing games. To make matters worse - she's a psychy nurse, so knows how to manipulate...but I'll win this one.

Nope not hard-nosed - just a cow when people piss me off . I spent over 30 years letting people walk all over me and onw day decided that I'd had enough of being manipulated. Apart from the friend mentioned above - they don't do it now and actually seem to have more respect from me. Those who didn't like it aren't around any more, they didn't respect me or my life so I don't bother with them.

sorry going to have to go - just been joined by GS demanding warm milk Hope you sort things out.

MIL called at 11pm once and dh asked her not because dd was asleep. She flew off the handle and said fine, she wouldn't call at all anymore!!!

She calls and asks 20 questions-wants to know everything about us, but when you ask how she's been she cuts the conversation short and just says fine.

Now I just say the same back to her. Whenever she calls I just say everyones fine and cut the conversation short.

She's got this knack at making you feel guilty because she's being difficult!!!

don't answer the phone. Have you got caller display? It's a godsend, I wouldn't be without it and people know that unless it's an emergency I do not answer the phone after a certain time. I have certain people whom I do not answer the phone to after...say..7.00 - then others who know to text me first to say they're going to call (withhold numbers).
I'm a firm beleiver that the telephone is there for your convenience, not other peoples.

GOD!!! - I do sound hard-nosed . Not though, beleive it or not..I'm a big softy...or should that be a big ASSERTIVE softy?

Joash - I agree with you all the way! I grew up with a MIL who was spiteful and nasty and difficult to my mum and I always knew what was going on and now, I would never let the same thing happen to me.

I think I am quite difficult for my ILs and I tend to avoid them, but I just don't like them and they don't like me, so what's the point? I don't stop DD or Hubby from having a relationship and they don't care whether I'm around or not... in fact, they'd rather be there when I am not... so I'm more than happy to keep it that way!

If keeping your distance saves rows between you and dh then hat's what you need to do.. that relationship is the one that is most important!

Latest episode with my inlaws- heres the link \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=2250&threadid=158839&stamp=060329033519\take a look}

we're at a complete loss as to what to do!!!!