My dad has told me he only has feelings of 'hatred' for my brother!!!

[Runnerlegs]

Long story but I am a little bit shocked today! DF has always been EA towards me and DB , triggered when my DM left after an affair some 30 years ago. DB was the favoured child, was good at sports, but with that came a lot of pressure from DF to push himself to be brilliant etc

Speed up to today, DB has had alcohol and drug issues which he blames on the years of EA from my DF. DF and him are always arguing/fighting etc.

Today, I had my DF telling me the latest version of the latest fight and I happened to remind him of how sad the situation is as there is one dad and one son and surely they can try to get along.

His answer was that he only hates my DB and has no other feelings for him.

Can you hate your own DC?

I cant ever imagine hating mine!!!

What people say and what they think/feel can be two very different things and it's often the case that love and hate aren't too far removed from each other.

I wouldn't place much credence on what either your df or your db say about each other shortly after they've had a fight, and I certainly wouldn't be repeating what one has said about the other unless it was positive rather than negative.

I doubt your DF's problems were started with the affair. More likely they started in his childhood. And perhaps he was revising his unhappy childhood by basking in the glory of his 'successful' son.

And now his son is, in his eyes, a failure like he maybe was himself and he 'hates' himself/his son.

V sad whatever the reasons.

DF has always been EA towards me and DB - to me that is a kind of hatred, so in a way, the answer is yes. What your DF said is the logical conclusion of his actual behaviour.

But I know sometimes its hard to make sense of things with unhinged people. You could have asked your DF why did he not foster his children out to people who were capable of loving them? I think that is a fair question in the light of what he said ...

Sorry, what is EA?

Emotionally abusive

Well you can't change anyone. You can only change yourself. So perhaps if you changed and stopped listening to their nasty comments they would make less of them.

Not meaning this as a criticism, just suggesting that next time DF starts ranting walk away. Tell him you're not interested in their relationship. And don't try to wheedle or pursuade them (to like one another or anything else) as that isn't your job. They are two adults and it's up to them how they behave towards each other.

You have your own life to lead. I would think you will be happier if not embroiled.

Can you hate your own DC?

Yes I believe you can. I know there was no love lost from my DF towards my DB. I can relate to that even though the situation was partly of DF's own making. There's no point in trotting out the old 'can't we all just get along' cliche in these cases. You can't own either of their feelings. How they feel is nothing to do with you, since you aren't in either of their situations.