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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

waiting at the school gate

53 replies

invisibleme · 10/10/2012 13:27

I loathe it.

Because I'm not......

super-popular Mum
alpha Mum
busybody Mum
chatty Mum
scary Mum
powerful Mum
opinionated Mum
know-it-all Mum
young glam Mum

No, I'm nearly-invisible Mum, with little small talk, and no wish to throw my (not-inconsiderable) weight around. Has anyone got any tips for surviving the regular ordeal of the school gate, with all its invisible (but still undeniable) currents of expectations/pecking-order/power struggle/unspoken mutual judgementalism? Or am I just being paranoid......

OP posts:
purplehouse · 10/10/2012 14:13

It is a bloody ordeal an I would be happier if nobody spoke to me. There are a couple of mums always wanting favours which are pretty unreasonable in general and they spoil everything. I just have to go into the playground on my guard! Awful. Most people are fine but the minority of people can really upset the atmosphere for everyone.

Lueji · 10/10/2012 14:26

Why do you have to be something Mum?

I'd just try to be nice to people and, with luck, meet other nice people.

I ended up being friendly (no time to develop friendship as we moved) with three mums in DS's class.

Less now because the children enter the school at the gates and mums don't gather so much at the gate and I rarely ever go pick DS up.
But I always have a smile and possibly a word with other mums.

PiratesKnittingTreasure · 10/10/2012 14:32

It was your labelling of the other mums as insecure ninnies that annoyed me tbh Hairy. If you don't want to talk then that's up to you, but why look down on everyone else?

And actually my DS1 has got into a group of friends who all have older siblings and whose mums have known each other for years, but they have been so welcoming to me and even invited me round to one of theirs for a drink last week and introduced me to some of the others.

It was lovely.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

Original poster
invisibleme · 10/10/2012 14:40

Wow. Quite a few different points of view then......! thanks to those who have offered helpful hints, can see where I'm coming from and can empathise with my experience. Some of the other comments have now made me want to hide completely under my cloak of invisibility.....

I'm not completely antisocial, I have made an effort and I do have other very good friends elsewhere so I know I am capable of friendship and civilised social interaction. But I am finding the school gate tough at the moment, owing I think to: established confident little cliques who never seem to notice or bother to include the more diffident/shy outsiders; pushy individuals who don't think twice about interrupting/hijacking any of the nice conversations that I do try/ manage to have sometimes; and also the fact that although I am not actually a new face (have been going for a couple of years now), my DC has got some mild special needs, and has recently been noticeably dropped re: birthday party invitations by 2 different families who have invited him over past years, even though he asked their DCs to his own party this year. It just seems unkind. I'm wondering what I'm doing 'wrong'.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 10/10/2012 14:44

TBH I think the school gate is what you make it.

You are feeling insecure for no reason at all imho - nobody is judging you although you seem very quick to judge all of them

Simply walk up to the school, smile when anyone catches your eye. Say "Good Morning / Hiya!" when anyone smiles at you. And go home again.

It really is that simple!

ElectricSoftParade · 10/10/2012 14:50

I am a SAHM and dislike the drop off/pick up but I do know some of the mums. Some mornings I am there a wee bit early and might have a chat or just stand around until the DCs go in or, in the PM, come out.

I do talk to people, sometimes it develops into friendships, sometimes not. On the whole, it is OK but not my favourite thing to do. Even the mums/dads who appear to be in a clique may feel the same way? Either way, you are going to be doing it for quite some time so hopefully you will find a way which works for you.

Boggler · 10/10/2012 14:52

Just have a look around at the gates tonight and I bet you will be able to see many other mothers that do not fall into one of your categories. Once you spot one or two just make a bit of small talk, do this a couple of times and before you knowing you'll have your very own clique Wink. I think you'll find that a lot of the mums like me, know the others from our School days, siblings and PTA meetings etc. I probably come accross as several of your hated mum categories but I'm human and will talk to anyone, so don't castigate people like without making a bit of an effort yourself. Why not join in the PTA you'll soon get to know everyone? You dont have to be a committee member just volunteer for manning a stall and everyone will soon know you. When your dc goes to Brthday parties make sure you chat to other parents and you'll soon know plenty of people.

Original poster
invisibleme · 10/10/2012 16:23

Well, just got back and it actually wasn't all that bad today Blush. One Lovely Mum made a genuine effort to talk to me as if she really wanted to (!) and I exchanged a few words with a couple of others too. I do realise that in life generally we tend to get back what we put in (and some of us just contribute with less volume, perhaps....) The personalities I warm to (and aspire to be more like) are those who somehow manage to treat absolutely everyone with equal warmth, grace and interest, and never leave anyone feeling excluded. Very rare types, and it's a rare skill, I know. They do exist, though.

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 10/10/2012 16:31

What you're doing 'wrong' is thinking too much. Your list of 'categories' is evidence of that. Stop aspiring to be like anyone else. Be yourself. smile and say hello of that's who you are. Are you like this with colleagues and other groups of people?

ll31 · 10/10/2012 16:49

You sound like you're completely over thinking it. .. they're all only people! Also stop thinking you'll have to make friends or be part of group. .. Imo you just should be polite and after that do as you want you

HairyGrotter · 10/10/2012 17:03

I am more than entitled to look down on others, as are each and everyone of you are entitled to also, Pirates.

People are more than welcome to judge me, no skin off my nose :) I don't wish to converse with people at school unless it concerns the children, otherwise I'm polite but go no further.

And, from what I observe at my DD's school, many are insecure ninnies and they make me chuckle.

lisaro · 10/10/2012 17:09

Actually OP, you sound like 'normal mum'.

spookytoo · 10/10/2012 17:11

Well, I think that there IS something about standing at the school gate which is a bit off putting but can't put my finger on what it is or why it is.

You'd think that as all of you are there for a short time each day, for many of you every school day, that there would be an atmosphere of camaraderie eg all know each other's names and all acknowledge if not welcome each mum (or v occasionally dad) with a relaxed Hi Spooky. But somehow that was never how it was. Instead it was several standing alone gazing into the middle distance and a few noisier cliques and quite a number of pairs, mumbling quietly together, it was never a whole group. And, because of the lack of acknowledgement when you approached, a bit daunting to join.

But you just have to make an effort to join in but I wouldn't say it's easy or that people who complain about it don't have a point.

kerstina · 10/10/2012 18:09

I made an effort to chat to other moms but found cliques did develop. People would walk past me to get to other people. Always found grandparents far more friendlier and easier to chat too. Smile

lubeybooby · 10/10/2012 18:12

The problem here is the waiting... why wait around at all? You need expert timing. Synch your watch with the school bell so you are only ever there 1 minute to 30 seconds before your child appears...

Plinkityplonk · 10/10/2012 18:41

I totally get where you're coming from invisible. I'm a fairly confident person although I can be quiet and a bit shy. Some mums I know better then others but mostly I just smile and say hello but I notice the cliques and " popular" mums. The ones I can't stand are the fakes who'll smile and chat one minute but ignore you if there's someone better to talk to.

OneBrightStar · 10/10/2012 18:46

This thread prompted me chat to a mum I sometimes see standing alone, but have assumed It was her choice not to join in a bit more. We had a lovely chat and will have coffee after drop off tomorrow. The more friendly faces the better at the school gates!

sue52 · 10/10/2012 18:58

Just smile and say hello to the people you see regularly and especially anyone who is always on their own. Most people respond and it could lead to some nice friendships for you. Don't over think what is a very simple thing.

Iamnotamindreader · 10/10/2012 19:13

I have other friends outside the school gate. Most of the mums there are now younger than I am and have their own cliques. To them I am invisible and it suits me fine.

In fact at their last school it was a blessing as one particular year group had a sudden influx of my pfb is an angel mums (about 5 of them in all). The poor teacher was beset each morning till at least 9:20 with mums demanding the school do something about the behaviour of the latest child theirs had had a minor spat with. The atmosphere at pick up and drop off time changed dramatically to a very frosty one.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest, I am not duty bound to be anything other than polite to my childs friends parents and my children don't have to be best buddies with my friends children.

If it bothers you smile and nod warmly to others who seem to be adrift, otherwise don't sweat it and be happy in the knowledge you and your child will still have an active social life.

FuckityFuckFuck · 10/10/2012 19:55

My mother told me off the other day because I 'wasn't making an effort' in the playground Hmm Apparently they will be 'the best friends I could have' Confused

I say hello, smile, and I will chat if someone speaks to me (even the woman from DS's old playgroup that I don't like), play with the children if they ask but I just want to drop off/pick up DS with the minimum of fuss and bother.

I couldn't care less if they like me/hate me/gossip mercilessly about me. It's just about passing the time of day.

skyebluesapphire · 10/10/2012 19:57

I just say hello to everybody as I pass them and I chat to anybody wAiting. We all have one thing in common which is a child in Reception. I'm not glam mum or scruffy mum, something in the middle. I don't wear makeup and I wash my hair and leave it, no time to style it.

There is another mum who hates it and I've tried to encourage her to say hello to people. The mums who are friends have all got older children and have known each other for years.

I have made some friends and a large group of us went out for drinks the other night.

It's like everything in life, you get out what you put in. nobody says you have to be friends but it's nice to smile and say hello

Original poster
invisibleme · 10/10/2012 20:31

lisaro you have made my day Thanks I really was beginning to think I was an alien.

Quite a lot of bells seemingly also rung here by other posters' comments..... YYY to finding grandparents for some reason more sympathetic than many of the younger mums. (I wonder if it because most younger Mums may actually be feeling pretty stressed/ struggling to keep up appearances? etc, and maybe there just isn't quite enough of the milk of human kindness to go round at these times, to make drop-off / pickup times, a more generally chilled experience.

Anyway all this has given me food for thought and made me feel a bit less self-pitying, and realise that actually I must also make a bit of an effort to join in, even if I am feeling a bit vulnerable; and reach out to those others who look a bit lost or isolated (rather than just grouch to myself). OneBrightStar Thanks your example is heartwarming. Glad this thread has prompted something so positive SmileSmile

I'll never forget that at DC's last school there was one little chap who had really difficult behavioural issues, and never got asked to any parties. Then one day we went to a party where he was actually a guest, even though a challenging one. I was humbled. Felt so ashamed that we hadn't also made the effort to ask him to DC's. I can see a situation developing at DC's school where one - admittedly challenging - kid (and his foster parents) are being given the pariah treatement by other Mums, all on the defensive over their pfb's in the same class. It's a bit of a middle clas NIMBY thing, seems to me.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 10/10/2012 20:55

I don't get these threads at all. Why is anyone judging or looking down on anyone else? It's horrid.

I've made some lovely friends at the school gates - i'm baffled by the idea that you should write everyone off because you've already got friends elsewhere Confused

avenueone · 10/10/2012 21:07

I take it you are new to this? you will have friends and be chatting away to all those people you see as listed and you will be viewed by some as some of those things you listed... who cares. Just take your DC to school and pick them up, there only has to be more to it in mind or action if you want it to be.

PiratesKnittingTreasure · 10/10/2012 21:21

carly, well apparently we're all entitled to judge and look down on each other - lovely world isn't it? Confused