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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've shut down on my marriage

42 replies

Whatamiserablemess · 09/10/2012 07:00

Short history

We've been together 25 years, 3 kids. I've had periods of feeling 'out of love' with him, have asked for advice on here and things have gone back to being okay.

But the frequency of feeling like that has made me think maybe we've fundamentally grown apart. We've had the 'what if we separated' chat, and its financial reasons , the children, and the reaction it would cause that keep me here. I wouldn't know where to start.

We haven't had sex for...weeks. I was feeling dissatisfaction with our sex life, and now I've shut down there too. I figure what's the point in even starting If I'm only going to feel 'meh' about it. Even sharing a bed with him feels weird.

I feel sad that I can't be the kind of affectionate wife he needs, and he really needs it. He's a solid bloke, but I'd rather be by myself as its not fair to stay with him when I can't give him enough and I feel dead to him. I keep waiting for loving feelings to come back and they won't

I feel so sad about all this.

OP posts:

Apocalypto · 10/10/2012 10:48

I'm suggesting that one should expect the reasons one leaves a marriage to be an important factor in anyone else's decision to contemplate one with you.

If all that stuff about "for better or for worse" was just bullshit, and you had your fingers crossed behind your back when you said it, that would be a highly relevant bit of data, don't you think? If what you really meant was "until I change my mind, E & OE"?

In exactly the same way, if someone solemnly repeated all that stuff about "forsaking all others" in front of family and friends and then fucked prostitutes on business trips, I think he should expect a bit of a discount to be applied to his reliability. Indefinitely.

The OP should by all make her choices based on her own happiness and discount everyone else's to zero or near enough. I reckon though she should bear in mind that, like getting sacked from a job, it's going to keep coming up.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2012 11:28

That's ridiculous. You're seriously suggesting that if someone enters a new relationship one day and says the reasons for leaving their last partner of 25 years were that they grew apart and the magic had died..... the new partner is going to regard them as fundamentally fickle????? So they have to stay vaguely miserable for the rest of their lives rather than get back out there where people like you will judge them harshly for having made a mistake?

It's nothing like getting sacked from a job.

amillionyears · 10/10/2012 11:36

Apocalypto,are you a man?
Are you happily married?

juneau · 10/10/2012 12:47

So what are you looking for exactly - permission to end your marriage? Affirmation from a bunch of strangers that ending your marriage is the right things to do? A magic wand to make your DH and DC feel okay about it all? No one can do that OP. If your marriage is truly over and you believe you've done all you can or all you're prepared to do in order to fix it, then the best advice I can give you is to make a clean break. Be as honest as you can be. Communicate with your DH and DC. Have answers for their questions. Behave in a dignified manner. And don't wait until you've finished your course unless its what you and your DH decide to do. This is such a sad situation and my heart goes out to your DH and DC (I'm sorry - I'm not judging you at all - just that they're passengers in your unhappiness).

MouMouCow · 10/10/2012 13:07

Have you considered taking a break? Taking time off to think it through, to see how it feels to be on your own, to give DH some space to think it through as well? Sometimes a different perspective or space to think is all one needs to see more clearly the next course of action.

As for the cyclical nature of your disappointment, isn't that normal? Life gets tough on a routine basis and we revisit obstacles we've overcome (sometimes) again and again and again....

My parents are married for 46 years and I think they have felt like leaving each pretty regularly over time. They didn't and they're having one of the best times in their marriage now. 5 years ago DM could have murrered DF...

juneau · 10/10/2012 13:43

I think this is really spot on. Many marriages go through dreary or miserable periods - but sticking it out often works if you can just plow on and focus on other things for a bit. My ILs apparently had a horrible marriage for most of the 1980s and my DH spent his teenage years wishing they'd just split up and be done with it - but when they came out the other side they were happy and they're still happy now. Only you can decide if you're prepared to weather this storm and see if it passes.

One more thought - could you be depressed? The cyclical nature of your unhappiness makes me wonder.

Apocalypto · 10/10/2012 15:43

Many marriages go through dreary or miserable periods - but sticking it out often works if you can just plow on and focus on other things for a bit.

+1 for this.

One's own instant gratification is not the only consideration. If someone leaves a relationship because s/he thought "fuck everyone else, this is what suits me right now", and I being single then met that perosn, I'd consider whether it's such a good deal becoming one of a such a person's "everyone else".

As for Cogito's remark ("they have to stay vaguely miserable for the rest of their lives rather than get back out there where people like you will judge them harshly for having made a mistake"), absolutely I'd feel entitled to judge someone like that, if it was me contemplating a relationship with them.

Last time I looked, your typical marriage vow was along the lines of "Will you love him / her, comfort him, honour and protect him / her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him / her as long as you both shall live?"

The usual answer is not "I might", or "I will, for a bit".

Everyone's a free agent but in such circumstances one should probably expect subsequently to end up with someone who takes the whole thing just as lightly. It's a matter of judgement whether this is better.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2012 17:31

"Last time I looked, your typical marriage vow was along the lines of "Will you love him / her, comfort him, honour and protect him / her, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him / her as long as you both shall live?"

And last time I looked the divorce rate was still pretty high, DV cases are showing no signs of slowing down and a lot of people feel trapped in very unhappy marriages precisely because of people who apply your kind of twisted judgement. I think 25 years counts as having a fair old crack at making a go of something. It's insulting to tell the OP that they are thinking "fuck everyone else, this is what suits me right now"...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/10/2012 17:35

"sticking it out often works if you can just plow on and focus on other things for a bit. "

But, in the meantime, by 'ploughing on' your ILs have presumably left your DH with really bad memories of his childhood and teenage years. I also have parents that 'ploughed on' for 50+ years and counting and they are emphatically not happy in their autumn years. Putting in a bit of effort, fair enough, but ideas like 'ploughing on'... 'sticking with it' ... 'put up and shut up'... I really despair.

Offred · 10/10/2012 18:28

Oh come on, totally with cog here. Marriage vows say a lot of things I don't think feeling like this for 3 years at the end of a 25 year marriage is a situation you should just ignore and carry on with.

Apocalypto · 10/10/2012 21:14

Absolutely. I'm not suggesting that OP should say "fuck everyone else". That's some of the advice she's been offered upthread: fuck everyone else, what does she want?

My point, though, is that when the OP got married, she said "I will" to some list much like the above. It transpires that some MNers think that "I will" really means "I will...for a bit", or "I might", or "I will for however long it suits me".

This is a pretty dodgy view, IMHO, because of course what if you're married to someone who shares it? What if, in particular, he sees the bit about "forsaking all others" as some old bullshit he can just ditch? He's just changing his mind about his vows, that's all.

The OP can do what she wants, but if she ends up with someone who figures he can change his mind about any promise at any time, well, what could she say?

Apocalypto · 10/10/2012 21:17

Incidentally, the divorce rate is likely high at least in part because of the levity with which people treat their marriages. DV is a total red herring, because if he is beating her up he's welshed on the marriage not her. She's then entitled to leave. But that's not what's happening here.

ToothbrushThief · 10/10/2012 21:26

As I said, I do tend to be a 'leave the bastard' poster.

I don't think you should stay miserable for yrs because tbh your unhappiness will transmit itself through the whole family.

However I do think divorce is horrible horrible horrible. It is (like marriage) not to be undertaken lightly. Thus I'm suggesting exhausting all other possibilities in case this is a blip.

It's not an untypical time of life to feel unsettled.

If your decision is leave then ...leave but minimise the trauma as far as possible. It really is shit for you all.

Original poster

Whatamiserablemess · 10/10/2012 23:04

Wow thanks for all your replies again

Apoc, being or even meeting someone else is the last thing on my mind. in fact I can't ever imagine wanting to be in a relationship . I want to concentrate on me for a bit, not worry about someone else's happiness

Juneau I wasn't looking for anyone's permission to do something, just a sounding board.

And my H hasn't out on weight or anything, in fact he looks better ow than he has ever has done

Whoever mentioned depression, I do wonder if this has some bearing on the situation. When I'm down about the state my life, I'm really down.

A break would suit me fine...but how that could happen I don't know.

As you can see I'm still going round and round stuff in my head. That's for all your replies, I really appreciate it

OP posts:

amillionyears · 11/10/2012 08:43

You are tired. If you can at all manage a break,preferably all by yourself,for at least 2 or 3 days, then go.
A break may help to sort out your thoughts.
If you think you may be depressed,perhaps now or after the break, you may need to discuss it with your GP.

juneau · 11/10/2012 09:32

If you suspect that you may be depressed, that would be a good place to start as all it takes is a GP appt to get the ball rolling. No big decisions. No moving house. Just a visit to your doctor.

Also, you mention that you've been for couples counselling, but maybe what you need is counselling for yourself? You're the one with the issues here, by the sound of it, so before you make a huge and possibly irreversible step, maybe some impartial advice and a real, live sounding board would serve you well.

There, that's two things that you can do which don't require any big decisions or cause unhappiness to others.

juneau · 11/10/2012 09:37

^However I do think divorce is horrible horrible horrible. It is (like marriage) not to be undertaken lightly. Thus I'm suggesting exhausting all other possibilities in case this is a blip.

It's not an untypical time of life to feel unsettled.^

And this^. That's why I gave the advice above about ploughing on. The OP doesn't sound sure about leaving - so she should exhaust all other avenues before she decides that's the right thing to do. I'm a child of divorce and I wouldn't wish it on anyone unless there is no other option (or in the case of abuse, infidelity, etc).

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