Fed up with DP's family - and we live 10000 miles away

[smupcakes]

So - I recently posted another threat about PIL's coming to stay with us shortly...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1565536-To-not-want-to-give-my-in-laws-our-bed

We live in AUS now, and they are coming for 3 weeks to stay. All fine, we invited them DP is very pleased.

Now I've read via facebook that MIL has invited SIL (24, unemployed, still living at home) to come too. No one asked / mentioned anything to us, just saw SIL's status 'tossing up' whether to come or not. Of course it would be a free holiday for her - she has no means of paying her costs anyhow.

There are a few reasons why she wasn't invited by DP in the first place:
She has been very rude to me in the past after an incident with our other SIL; to the extent that when DP visited his parents in the UK last year and I phoned and asked politely to speak to him, she would not even answer me when I spoke and simply pass DP the phone.

So obviously that would be enough reason not to invite her to stay in our home - but I'm sure MIL isn't aware of the animosity between us so I can't really hold that against her but I'm really angry she didn't even think to ask us before extending the invitation to SIL. But secondly, she has no money of her own to every time we'd go out for dinner - I'd feel really resentful that I had to subsides her costs (i.e. I expect DP's parents and we would go halves). Not to mention the costs of hosting her at our home (and we'd need to get another bed as we only have 1 spare). Finally I wouldn't really want to host her for an extended period of time as she has behaved very strangely when with DP and I in the past - she seems to want reassurance that DP would side with her / do what she'd like to do (rather than what I ask him - e.g. last time we were both in the UK I had a headache and asked DP to come home with me from a family event we were at and she tried to tell me that he would be staying at the party with her). He would never do that clearly but it's grating that she behaves that way in the first place.

I am just so angry. DP says he will ring MIL and say we'd seen it and there just isn't room for her to come too. I have no idea why SIL would consider coming to stay with us anyhow - considering she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 years! I just think it is beyond ridiculous and I'm worried I'm going to feel so resentful of MIL's behaviour and attitude and it will ruin their time here.

To be fair I think people who behave very badly need to get a shock. It doesn't matter who this person tells about her being unhinged. Who cares, she lives ten thousand miles away, it will get them off her back. And with people who behave badly they often respect other people's unreasonable behaviour. They just do, they haven't got the first idea about normal interchanges, so while one person is supposed to be being reasonable and polite, the other person is riding roughshod over them.

Still voting for an impressive overreaction here.

I think I'll just get DP to speak to them I will get angry I imagine and then it will be awkward when we see them shortly.

You might be right of course but this might be quick and surgical.

No it won't, you gush over them and say thanks SO much for sorting that out for me, I just couldn't have managed etc etc. They will think you are a bit emotional but they'll take more care of you in future.

Your husband will agree to it.

I actually think that you might be right Brycie in that I'm sure if I rang MIL and cried and cried that I couldn't cope with another guest she would be much more sympathetic than if I calmly explained that SIL had really hurt my feelings in the past and we couldn't afford to subsidise her holiday. But quite frankly I can't bring myself to do this because her reasoning would seem so ridiculous and irritating to me

you don't listen to her reasoning, and if you do you just come out with ridiculous and unreasonable response. So what. You need this off your back.

I love Brycie's tactic, although I'm not sure I could pull it off! They will all gossip and think you're unhinged, but if they're 10000 miles away, do you really care? It lets your husband off the hook too, which he will appreciate.

Usually, I would go for honesty, but with that kind of distance, I'd probably take this route which is far easier and is likely to succeed.

You don't want this person in your house for 3 weeks.

Trouble is, you can't get what you want here (SIL not coming) and be the good guy. So you have to choose which is more important: (a) PIL like smupcakes; or (ii) SIL kicked into touch. No dithering-pick one!

But bear in mind that if you are about to TTC there will be much much bigger things you need your own way on (like, MIL is NOT going to attend the birth) and a little reasonable boundary-setting now could save you a lot of trouble in the future.

I have to say your DH sounds wet. I'm no fan of being needlessly brusque, but equally I have no patience with people who spend their entire adult lives never telling people the truth and trying to avoid any display of emotion or disagreement at all.

He should be ringing his mum & asking who the fuck does she think she is to be inviting others to your house.

And that if she´s so determined to bring SIL-they can all fuck off to a B&B as you are not feeding/putting any of the freeloaders up.

That could be my sister you're describing.

My sister is a selfish, narcissitic bully. Rarely speaks to me (thank goodness) though when she does she acts as if she is my best friend (she's not). If she wants anything from me she asks my mother (and if my mother says no she screams until my mother gives in, and then I'm supposed to go along with it to keep the peace).

I live 200 miles from my sister, 500 from my mother. I see my mother every few months, my sister as little as possible (once every 18 months for the last few years).

My mother was planning on coming here sometime now. When she mentioned it to my sister (who HAS to be told every time one of us wants to breathe so she can give permission) my sister told her that if she waited until October she (sister) would come with her. No question about asking me if she could come, just that she would. So my mother, thankfully, realised on the spot she wasn't free in October and so came up in September.

I am dreading my sister turning up one day, assuming she can stay. I will tell her no, but she won't take it. It is going to be a nightmare.

I think Inertia's post at 08:00:06 was a good way to go. Even if you were best of pals with SIL, can't believe a guest would have the brass neck to casually invite another adult related or not to stay at your house for 3 weeks. Your MIL might feel its her job to act as peacemaker and fair enough IN HER OWN home. Your SIL should be the one offering an olive branch so if she herself hasn't made any effort, she would quite possibly turn up smirking as an uninvited guest and expect you to wait on her. You might as well lie down on the front doorstep so they can wipe their shoes on you.

He should be ringing his mum & asking who the fuck does she think she is to be inviting others to your house

What diddl said.
You are over thinking this OP. Say NO.

Also don't consider what happens when new baby is born - read some of the 'exhausted new mum' threads first. No one comes to stay until you are ready to have someone to stay.

Please stand up to them and do only EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT (it's not a crime) it will sooo pay off in future dealings with them

'No one would invite another person on holiday to stay with someone else without telling them'.

Sadly I don't think this is true, going by the behaviour I've read about on MN in the past!

Your DP should just tell MIL that you didn't invite SIL, you don't have space for another guest, and that she must not invite people to YOUR home in the future.

I didnt say this 'man' you're with is insensitive, i say he's weak.

He's scared of upsetting his mother, and his sister, from 10000 m away, but happy to let you suffer, right next to him.

Unless he takes control of his adult life, stands up and says NO!, why and indeed how on earth would you ever consider saddling yourself with his family for the rest of your life, by having kids with him?

Email the pair of them if you must, and tell them that you will book them into a b&b, as you don't have the room for an en masse visit for the best part of a month.

Ffs, someone has to sort this out. You need to woman up love.

You have a choice:

A) Call them on it. Send an email / call / post on fb ; oh we'd love SIL to come but we din't have the room so she'll have to stay in a b and b, there's one down the road. Or come after PILs have visited.

2. whinge about PILs and SiL on mn for next 10 years. Increase the whinge as you have children.

Not everyone has to be your friend. Not everyone has to Like you. If your dp will not stand up to them then do it for him. Then he will learn HE sorts his family issues or you will.

Don't choose to be a victim here. It's so demeaning. Kick the bitches in to touch, they both (mil and SIL) know they are taking the piss.

So update, DP called MIL and said - have you invited SIL to come too? She asked how he knew? He said there wasn't any room and she couldn't come and MIL said, 'but you have a third bedroom don't you'? He said that wasn't the point and he says she accepted from that point onward SIL wasn't coming. So not as bad as it could of been.

I do take the point that it would of been better to be much more assertive but as some people have rightly pointed out DP is afraid of hurting his Mum. I don't think he does that at my expense though - or at least hasn't yet.

I think because we live so far away - and will for the foreseeable future it isn't worth stressing DP out - and causing a rift with MIL. Definitely if more incidents like this start to occur in our dealings with them I will take a more assertive approach, but for now I'm just hoping their trip is OK and then we won't see them for another year anyhow so it won't be an issue. Down the track - well yes I will have to stand up for what I want because I don't want DP's mum intruding in our family life.

Interestingly DP's mum and sister refer to him as 'my mrsmupcakes' - seemingly implying some sort of weird ownership. Maybe that would of been appropriate when he was 10 but I think it's odd now. Anyhow thanks for all the advice - I'm certainly thinking it all through.

Oooh trouble up ahead. Glad it's all working out for you this time. Sounds like she could be tiresome in the future - imagine arguing for someone to come and stay when they weren't invited and someone's just told you they can't come and you didn't even tell the host you'd asked them to stay in the house. Imagine not being embarrassed and sorry when you're called on all of that and just trying to stand your ground.

I hope the trip goes well, don't stress too much. It's good it all worked out in a decent calm way. I think you might be right about being assertive in future. I think one strong episode of assertiveness (as all sensible people have described) saves you a world of pulling people up in a tentative way repeatedly. Some people don't get the message until they are told in no uncertain terms, they just hear what they want to hear otherwise.

DP will be upset if I speak assertively

Well he's the problem here, isn't he. What if you said to him "Either you speak to your mother or I will. Or would you rather I spoke to your sister directly?".

Where is your DP expecting your SIL is going to sleep?

Send them all a website link to your nearest hotel. Say "As there will be three of you, I'm sure we'll all be more comfortable if you stayed here".

You've got to do put your foot down here, or it'll be like this forever!

Ooh just caught up with your last post! Pleased it worked out. Well done, panic over!

Glad it all worked out OP.

Just to say, though, everyone on this thread seems horrified that MIL would invite SIL along. I'm afraid this would be entirely the sort of thing my MIL would do, thinking "oh well, it's a trip to the other side of the world - the more the merrier! We can all spend time together, me and my children, how lovely!" And although I might roll my eyes a bit, I'd be thrilled that DH could spend time with his sister too.

In fact my own mum once invited my adult brother on a trip to Oz when we lived there. I didn't mind at all as I was happy to see as many people from home as possible.

So not everyone thinks they have to be super-polite with family. But nobody in ether family has chronically fucked me off or been rude to me, so it's all ok for us. I'm not comparing the situation as if SIL has always been lovely.

Just in defence of MIL with all the people saying it was outrageously rude. To invite SIL.....some families are just like this without meaning to be thoughtless.

Also OP, do you really dislike your MIL as well as your SIL? It's just you say you don't want your partner's mum "intruding on your family life" - she is his mum, part of his family.

I would be so so hurt if my DH said he didn't want my mum intruding on our family life. She is not always 100% easy but who is? She is our family.

And I hope to have a great relationship with my son's partner when he grows up. I dread the idea that after loving him, comforting him and helping him through life, someone wouldn't want me to intrude on their life. I would hope his partner would be someone I could love too.

RubyrooUK I meant interfering when we have our DC etc. MIL thinks things should be a certain way. DP and I would like a wedding here with immediate family which we've expressed over the 5 years or so we've been engaged. MIL still mentions to DP once a month our 'upcoming' wedding in Ireland with 200 guests. I'm sure you get the idea.

Anyhow - we get on OK... I'm sure it'll be fine when she's here face to face

Interestingly DP's mum and sister refer to him as my mrsmupcakes

Hmm, strange. Doesn't seem a flattering name for DH somehow but we can analyse indefinitely, but life is too short, just get on with your own and leave them to theirs.

Glad there is a good outcome for you smupcakes.