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Original poster

My DM has read all my facebook messages. AIBU to be furious and hurt, even though

51 replies

MoomieAndFreddie · 07/10/2012 18:50

there was messages in there slagging her off?

here is some background, because i don't want to drip feed: i had a pretty unhappy childhood. on the surface it was good, we had everything we wanted, a nice home and material things. but i was very, very unhappy, bullied at school, low self esteem, few friends, and also made very bad decisions ie promiscuous behaviour, drugs, smoking and alcohol at an early age. i then suffered a lot of stress and depression from my early 20's and never managed to stick at any job. i never really understood why i was so unhappy and mixed up. but since i became a mum myself in the last few years, i have realised that things were not right in our family. i don't want to pin all my past problems on my parents. but for the most time, i felt like i was a nuisance, a hindrance, i felt second best to my brother and even cousins and friends etc. it was all comments like "why can't you be more like so and so" etc. it was more my mum than my dad as he was never around much as had his own business and worked very long hours. it was like my mum didn't like me. she never cuddled me or told us she loved me, she never complimented us, i grew up thinking i must be ugly and unlovable, hence the bad decisions particularly with men etc. I am still on ADs now and have been in and out of counselling for my low self esteem and depression for years.

So a while ago I was talking on FB to my friend about this, as she has had a similar background so we often talk about our childhoods. Then recently I logged into FB on my dads i phone. Well today I got a text from my mum saying i had left myself logged in., So I asked her to log me out, to which she replied she didnt know how Hmm . Then a few hours later I logged in to my fb to find my mum had sent a message to my friend VIA MY ACCOUNT saying she has seen all the messages and her and my dad are very upset. Shock

i am absolutely furious, and morttified, because we spoke about such private, personal things. and there are dozens of messages to and from other friends about personal things and i just feel completely violated and sick. my friend is gutted too as my mum now knows some very private things about her.

i am sorry this is long. i'm devastated. and on a practical level i dont know what the hell to do as my mum babysits my youngest DC when i go to work and also we are supposed to be going on holiday (me and dh) and she and my dad are meant to be babysitting. :(

OP posts:
dondon33 · 07/10/2012 19:51

YANBU I'm going with..maybe she didn't know how to navigate around and log you out... but once she realised it was your private messages then she shouldn't have read them.
It's her own fault if she's read things that she maybe didn't want to.

I would also use this as an opportunity to speak to her honestly now about how you feel. She may not agree with what you say but they're your feelings.

GoSakuramachi · 07/10/2012 19:52

You don't? I'll simplify. There is your truth, there is her truth. It's all subjective, there is no such thing as any objective stand alone truth.
You seem to have blamed all of your troubles in your life on your mother, yet she is still ok to have your children when you go on holiday? Can you imagine reading the things you wrote, if you were her?

Yes she was wrong to read them. But seriously, think about it from her point of view rather than just your own for a minute.

RubyFakeNails · 07/10/2012 20:04

I think she was wrong to read it and you are right to be annoyed. But I think that is something you have to get over.

You need to say to her that you feel annoyed and that she invaded your privacy. However I think you then need to address how she feels. If you have said, as you have in your OP, that you feel she is effectively the root of many of your problems and marred much of your life through her behaviour I imagine she will be devastated. I don't know how old you are but it obviously sounds as if she feel she tried her best, so just think for a second if when he is your age you found at that your son felt this way about you and not only that he felt this way but that he had been telling other people on Facebook (I know its private but you need to check she understands not one other person could read them, my mother would struggle with the concept).

Whilst I think you every right to be annoyed, cross even I think hat ultimately your mother and also your father have the rights to stronger feelings on this one and you need to take this opportunity to address the issues with them. Don't expect them to agree with you, I think they will feel very hurt and more realistically devastated for some time, but you must discuss it with them.

akaemmafrost · 07/10/2012 20:10

OP I'd get this moved to relationships if I was you. You'll get a lot more understanding there Smile.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 07/10/2012 20:14

YANBU

My mum was rotten, i could have written your post.
However she has changed, i give her credit for that, and the fact that she had a lot of struggle while we were little, i accept that things can't have been easy.

I would say to her, this is how things were for me, your opinion, memories or experience may be different. But thats what you get when you snoop through my messages.

Our relationship is a lot better now, which is why i allow you to look after and have contact with my DC's. .. Something along those lines.

You do need to talk about how she feels about things too. But no, she had no right going through your mail. And lets face it she was bound to find out in this sort of way or never, because not many people sit down and have an honest conversation with a toxic parent, they usually just get told 'that's not how things were' so don't bother.

Sorry you're going through this x

OTheHugeManatee · 07/10/2012 20:15

I wonder if unconsciously you wanted your parent to find the messages. Otherwise, why not log out after using Facebook on their iPhone?

TheLightPassenger · 07/10/2012 20:18

I've been the friend in this scenario, and I was furious at the family member violating my privacy, by reading conversations between me and my friend on FB chat. Yanbu. Otherwise, I agree with Hecate and hope you can sort something out.

twinkletwinkleoldbat · 07/10/2012 20:19

I understand, and had to check your username to make sure you weren't me! It was beyond the pale to read your personal conversations, and awful that your friend's private messages were compromised too. Perhaps you could look on this as a warning though, that your mother hasn't changed, and that maybe you should think twice about the childcare? I made the mistake of thinking my parents had changed and were great gp, until the dc grew old enough to answer back, then my parents turned on them too.

Original poster
MoomieAndFreddie · 07/10/2012 20:32

yes i would like this moved to relationships please, how do i do that? do i report thread?

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 07/10/2012 20:35

Yes just report it and ask for it to be moved in the message Smile.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 07/10/2012 20:37

Its easy to forget about logging out of fb on an iphone .. the log out option is hard to find on the app version

OnwardBound · 07/10/2012 20:45

Also I wonder at your mother's first thought being to message your friend, presumably to put her own side of the 'story' across and discredit your own?

It speaks volumes that she didn't immediately think 'Oh I didn't realise that Moomie felt this way. I don't agree with or understand what's she written [possibly] but I'm so sad that Moomie feels like this. I must speak to her and find a way to make her understand my point of view or help her realise I didn't mean to make her feel this way. I will ring her now..."

You get the drift.

It's very possible that your mother is in denial about the past and her own actions or behaviours. Hence my earlier post saying you may not get what you need from her by confronting her. She sounds still in full defensive mode and may not be up to looking at this in a thoughtful or reflective way.

It's a difficult position for you to be in Sad

Mintyy · 07/10/2012 20:53

One of my favourite ever quotes (from John Waters):

"I?ve said it a million times, but it?s really one of the most truthful things I ever said, a 20-year-old that?s angry is sexy, a 64-year-old man that?s angry is an asshole. If you haven?t gotten over some things, you can blame your parents 'til you?re 30, but after 40, forget whining about anything. Everybody?s dealt a hand, everybody has ups, downs, you can?t order up your kids, you can?t order up your parents, you just popped here."

altinkum · 07/10/2012 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsrosieb · 07/10/2012 21:00

as someone who was brought up with abuse the best thing you can do is QUIT SPEAKING TO THEM Can you not see that by having no respect for your internet privacy your mum is still abusing you?

MNHQ
RebeccaMumsnet · 07/10/2012 21:06

Hi there,

We have moved this thread to Relationships now.

Original poster
MoomieAndFreddie · 08/10/2012 07:41

Thank you, wish I had never put it in aibu.

And thanks for the constructive replies so far x

OP posts:
HissyByName · 09/10/2012 07:18

When i finally split up with my abusive ex, i saw just how low and shitty my family were, they left me for emotional dust, fucking off to NZ, without so much as a single call to ask if i was ok.

Youhave EVERY right to talk about unacceptable treatment of you with someone thatunderstands and cares.

Ignore your mother's rantings, her emailng the friend shrieks volumes about her feelings for you. She rushed to her own defence instead of to a daughter that she's hurt.

Ignore the 'must try harder' idiots.on here too. They've got no idea what this is like, and blaming you in any way is not on.

Have you posted on the Stately Homes thread?

cestlavielife · 09/10/2012 10:20

You say she is a good grandparent so why not just focus on That and move forward? If you want to have her in your life as grandmother child carer etc then you have to let go of the past . Confronting her wont solve anything.

Either let it go and suggests she does or look for other child carers .

Writing anything private on Facebook is abad move stick to fully private email which is still risky or face to face or telephone in future .

PedanticPanda · 09/10/2012 10:27

That's awful, I can't believe she read through all of your messages like that, that's such an invasion of your privacy. Perhaps now is the time to tell her how you feel about your childhood, it might be good for you get it all out in the air.

PedanticPanda · 09/10/2012 10:34

And personally I see your mothers behaviour, reading through your private messages, then sending a message like that to your friend, as showing how little respect she has for you. I couldn't imagine ever doing that to my son. Even if I accidentally came across a message like that I'd feel awful that he felt that way and would want to comfort him and talk about it.

Toughasoldboots · 09/10/2012 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PedanticPanda · 09/10/2012 10:40

But the op's child doesn't have to rely on the grandparent for emotional fulfilment, that's the parents role, not the grandparents.

JennaMoroney · 09/10/2012 10:41

I don't think yabu to feel panicked.............. I wouldn't want my mum reading my fb messages. I have put things in fb messages about being a people pleaser and havng to learn to draw a line between what my mum wants me to do and what i want to do. epiphanies i've only had in the last two years, and one of my school frends who i can really open up to, we do regularly communicate over fb...... but as another poster sad, perhaps your mum doesn't grasp that reading these messages was like reading your mail. She probably got a bit sucked in.

On a practical level, I think it's going to be a short term nightmare but perhaps it will be better in the long term. I needed so much practical help from my mum at one point that I was never off the hamster wheel trying to please her. Even after I recognised that I was doing it, she still minded my kids, i still had to be grateful. And not just grateful, but I couldn't spend my money on things she ddn't approve of, or change the car, or get a dog, or go part tme, or go on holiday IF IT DIDN'T HAVE HER APPROVAL.

free yourself up from needing the practical help. I'm working on that now. I've cut the childcare right down, so that my mum rings and ASKS me if she can take the children over night because she misses them Wink.

olgaga · 09/10/2012 11:15

Oh dear.

I'm not sure there's any point being annoyed with her really. I'm not sure why you didn't just log on to your account from somewhere else as that would have logged you out from your dad's phone.

It is obviously wrong of her to have used your account to send a message to your friend, but it is kind of understandable that she would want to defend herself, especially if she disagreed strongly with your version of events.

Despite your opinion of her as a mother during your childhood, she seems to be stepping up for you now. It sounds as though she bore the brunt of all the child rearing while your dad worked long hours, and maybe it was too much for her.

Her own experience as a mother might be why she's so keen to facilitate you earning an income rather than being a SAHM. Not only is this saving you a load of money for childcare, plus the stress of organising it, enabling you and DH to enjoy a holiday together does indicate that she is actually quite committed to you and her grandchildren.

I think if you want to continue enjoying the obvious benefits of your relationship with your parents (despite your feelings about your childhood) you're going to have to talk to your mum and your dad. It sounds like such a discussion is long overdue. However, I think you'll have to be prepared to eat at least some humble pie. She may be more hurt than you realise.