Self destruct

[MairyHinge]

Well, that's the best way to describe me I think, I think I'm on self destruct. My friends list is dwindling, but I know why, it's cos I'm a prize bitch. I don't socialise well, except when drinking, but this isn't an issue, I don't have a problem with drink, it just gives me confidence.
I'm boring,and negative, and prefer my own company. I don't forgive easily, and feel like I'm taking pleasure in pissing people off!!
Example, a "friend" had a birthday do, didn't invite me as ( yet another) ex friend was going, so my attitude was/ is right, fuck you then,and last time I went out & she was there I blanked her, totally.
I can count the freinds I have on the fingers of one hand, and they're not that great. I could definatley count on 1 in a crisis, but the others? Doubt it.
BUT if they had a crisis I would be desperate to find someone else to help them, I literally cannot be bothered.

I feel like I don't like people, it doesn't take much to Piss me off, I have no patience, little empathy, nothing to say to people, cos I dont DO anything.

I'm constantly fixing for a fight, wanting people to call me on this behaviour so I can prove that I'm a heartless, selfish, nasty bitch.

Maybe I should just be.
I have my hubby & kids. Youngest wants to go to a Halloween party...ugh, so I have to socialise somewhere.
I know it's down to self loathing a lot of it, but I can't be arsed to do anything about it, I hate me so want others to, in a way.

I used to have lots of friends, but suddenly hit 40 and became like my mother...judgemental, nasty, argumentative, and happiest with my own company.

Not even sure what I'm wanting from posting this.....just need to write it down.

Do you feel better, having written it down?

Have you ever spoken to anyone about this - I know you've put you can't be arsed to do anything about it, but maybe you've spoken to your DH?

You say self loathing - in what ways?

I think you probably do want to do something about it, and thats why you've written it down. Its bothering you.

mairy I know this is a cliche, but could you tell us about your childhood?

I feel similar to you only because the few people who i thought were my friends growing up is really not. So it made me kind of non sociable with people and bitter. I've been hurt by these people so i really don't want anything to do with them and could care less. But life goes on and i can't let what they did to me get in the way of my life now. Gotta keep going cause they can actually care less themselfs god bless you stay strong as long as you keep hubby and kids happy that's all that matters.

Norks..I'm an only child, friendships were hard work, as I never felt good enough, guess I still don't really.
Unworthy, yet I'm trying hard to care! I've never had a friend who loved me for being me, freinds go funny when I decide I need to back off, I need my time, and space, when I need to walk away rather than say what I think etc.
And I think, fuck em.
I cannot be a bubbly, social able animal,and people get fed up.
I can't hide it when people are either boring me or going on and on again about the same old shit,a friend was telling me about yet another argument with her fella,same old shit, she goes through it every so often, and I've literally run out of things to say.
I just walked away from her.

On a night out a few months ago, another freind was boring me, so I walked off!!
Yet I am very boring. I don't work ( disability) and have nothing to say.....

It IS bothering me, but more, probably, in a w ay that I think I should be a nicer person?
A friend is out tonight, again,she's recently chucked her hubby out and is loving it, out, literally, every weekend,spending money like water, and we used to be close,but I guess I feel left behind.
She has betrayed me too, being friendly with someone we both fell out with, (E) and acting all buddy with her, yet (E) used to be my best freind, and I dumped her for stabbing us all in the back, now they're all friendly and I'm the fucking bad guy. Guess that's playing to my strengths??

I dunno what I want from this,sometimes I want to be liked, yet I like to be hated?!!

Am I a fuck up?!

Do you think you are an introvert? I am, and once I realised that I don't really need or want a lot of friends I have found life a lot easier. You might be a bit depressed too, I know that made me lash out a lot.

Btw I am a only child too, and could quite happily live on a desert island, if I had my husband and son with me.

Glasto yes I think I am, enjoy SOME nights out, but only with a beer or two to give me confidence.
Maybe it's an only child thing, I'm very happy with my own company, and have got to the age when I think if I can't be arsed with someone, why pretend?
Yet THAT, obviously, pisses them off and I'm the bad one, AGAIN.

Mairy, you sound so much like me two years ago. I got myself into a right old state and ended up having to take over a year off work. Can I recommend finding a good counsellor? Mine saved me bloody sanity and life. Pm me if you want,but also have a look at Susan mccains Ted talk on introversion, I found it very helpful.

Btw I doubt very much that you are a prize bitch.

does any of this seem familiar

mairy you do sound mainly SAD, actually. 'I never felt good enough' is a sad thing to say. How did your parents treat you?

What you call self destruct is a defense mechanism against people not liking you, so you sort of get in there first, to give them a reason not to like you.

Can you describe a PERFECT day, and that might help to see who you are.

Norks a lot of that sounds familiar, except there's a couple of people I DO enjoy a night out with. But only them. Or hubby.
I just don't know.
I have a college course on a Tuesday morning, freind I go with chats away easily to others on course, I can't. I just can't.
And Tuesday afternoon I have to be left alone to recover so I guess that's introvert?
I hate going shopping with freinds, prefer to go into town, get what I need & leave.

My perfect day would be spent in bed, endless supply of coffee, iPad, and no kids to ferry about. Just me.

Reading that back, I'm an introvert!! Aren't I?!!

But do introverts hold grudges, & fall out with people for one misdemeanour?? Or is that just me? See, that's where I'm a prize bitch I think.

Nope, not necessarily. The introversion explains a lot, but not the holding grudges part. Why do YOU think you do that? Are you jumping before you are pushed?

Probably. In some ways I want people to dislike me to prove a point, in other ways I think "I'm worth more than this" and in others I think " I'm not good enough".
I'm very honest and cannot stand liars, or people who hide things from me for no reason, re: the the 'friend' who had a birthday do & didn't invite me.i wouldn't have gone anyway, my idea of hell, but it's like everyone thinks "don't mention X to mairy, or we will have to invite her"
That's pisses me off. Then I think, I must be this awful person then.

I've put a lot of weight on, cannot be ARSED todo anything abou it, but my disability is far worse due to the weight gain. I really hate the way I'm trapped in a useless body too.

I think I'm beyond help. I definatley prefer my own company,the best mates I have had have been male.....they let me be.

What would you like to be different?

I don't think you're beyond help but I think your mother was perhaps emotionally abusive towards you in your own childhood. Someone taught you all this self loathing and lack of overall confidence in your own abilities. You were probably taught that you were not good enough for her or anyone else.

What did you learn from them when you were growing up?.

What was your Dad like; was he present in your childhood or was he absent?. The fact the best mates you have had been male because they let you be is very telling.

I think the best thing you could do for your own self is to talk it all through with a counsellor. BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

My mother is a cold heartless cow, who made me believe I was never good enough and I'm still not. My dad was there, albeit at work, but he's always gone along ith her, although I know he adored/ adores me, but she stands in the way of lot of things.
When I had kids I was told " don't expect help from me,no body had you for me, so I'm not bringing up your kids' nice.
Dad will help, but it's always n inconvenience to her, yet they're both retired, with fuck all to do all day.

When I had cancer, I had to hide how bad things were from her, cos he would be all " poor me, look what I have to cope with"

Norks....I don't know. Sometimes I'd like to be popular, but I couldn't maintain the business of that....demands to be here,there and everywhere.

How about 'happy' rather than popular. 'happy' is under your own control. Popular depends on flaky other people :)

I THINK I am happy.....
I visit my parents once a week out of duty, but if they come here its hard....she's such a negative person, everything has a negative, very little positive.

They. Called in today, unexpectantly, and she was moany & negative the whole 7 minutes they were here.

Hubby has the ability to shrug her off,but I feel like shit and she's so spiteful.

She adores my dd (16) but ain't keen on my ds(10). Never has been.

I'm scared I'm gonna turn out like her, a nasty, vile, spiteful bag.

Ah, but you have self awareness and the desire NOT to be her. Is DS like you?

My Ds is a bit like me, my dd is like my mother, BUT this has been since birth. I'm an only child, mum couldn't understand why I had more thn one, and she's got no idea how to deal with boys.
She's not really willing to bend at all, it's always been her way or the highway.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my dd, when I say she's like my mum it's only in a certain way, she's not cold or heartless, in fact as she gets older she's less like her.

Just checking to see how you feel today Mairy

A bit better actually!! Quite cathartic getting it out on here. Thanks x

What have you done differently today?