So fucking fed up (really long)

[Nomoretetherleft]

I don't know if this should be posted here or in mental health but thought I'd give this a try first.

2 DC under 4
Partner depressed for years.

Refused to get treatment, got to the point where he was angry, abusive, physically violent, delusional, thought that the world was going to end and he quit his job and started to spend all our savings as money would soon be obsolete (!)

He was also paranoid and thought that he was being bugged, lost loads of our savings secretly on the stock market as he thought he knew how to play the markets and that he had the power to influence what happened with the shares.
Pretty fucked up.
After a lot of support on here, particularly because of the DV I left him. It was hard. No money, nowhere to live, had to stay in a b&b because there was no suitable accommodation and i wasn't officially homeless Etc etc
I also prosecuted him for the DV.

He finally got help. On ADs. Counselling for his fucked up abusive family history and what he did to me etc.
Started to let him see DC.
Months and months down the line he is a changed person: no longer aggressive, paranoid, violent. His whole outlook has changed because of the therapy and he's realised what a cunt he was and how fucked up his family have made him.
I've cautiously and gradually let him back into my life because I'm sure it was the MH problems that caused the aggression/anger/violence and that hasn't reappeared.
Instead he has gradually become lazier and lazier. He blames the drugs. Got the doctor to reduce his dose an has started to say he was never mentally ill, it was just me.
He has also started to show all the signs he had before, bar the aggression and violence. Lazy, no personal care, 16 hours a day on the computer 'running his business' which makes no fucking money.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant. (Please don't judge me). I do everything around the house. I pay everything, except the rent, which comes out of his savings. Do 90% of all childcare (children at nursery 2 days a week opposite my work, he has them one day) I work 25 hours a week packed into 3 days and I have no other interests.
I can't cope any more.

I'm fed up of giving all the time. I don't give a shit if he's depressed. I want him to sort himself out. I want my life back. I want to be happy. I want the kids to have the things they deserve and not a useless fucker who just emotionally bleeds me dry and gives nothing in return. I did love him.

I know he's made positive changes but it isn't enough. It isn't quick enough. I feel so alone as I've been looking after the children and caring for him too.

I've virtually missed all the joy of this pregnancy. I'm living in a new area but haven't been able to establish myself because he's always at home.

I'm scared what will happen when DC3 arrives.

He tells me I need to relax. I can't fucking relax because he doesn't do anything. If I'm around, I'm the default setting. I'm knackered.

Don't really know what I'm expecting from posting this. Just needed to get it off my chest.

How much longer should I give him? Wtf should I do?
I feel lost. I'm strong on the outside and empty on the inside. Nothing left.

If you managed to get through all that, thanks.

Nomore yes, I think some people are just broken, and they don't care enough to get fixed...My STBXH is like this. Has always paid maintenance etc, but has a really big problem relating to women. Partly, the maintenance thing is so he can prove to his mummy, who he loves and hates in equal measure, that he is doing the right thing. Ignoring the fact that he is an abusive arse, and that's why I left him.

I work at the more extreme end of MH which is why it doesn't seem as bad by comparison. I know some of the people I work with cant be fixed but I don't see him in the same way.

Maybe he's broken, maybe he's not. It's not your job to figure it out. As others have said, your children are your priority.

You've got a couple of months to sort things out. IMO you should ask him to leave and focus on preparing for the arrival of your baby. If he stays there's a real risk things could be much worse in a few month's time.

I just read your post out to my DH, I hope you don't mind.
DH says (more succinctly than I can) that sometimes you have done all you can and you just have to look after yourself, your DCs and the new life you are bringing into the world.
It IS hard when you leave (I know, I left my previous violent husband) but it DOES get better.
You cannot fix him, he won't get better with your help.
I second the advice to contact Women's Aid, Refuge etc.
Good luck, keep posting. You are not alone.

I think we crossposted Nomore see my post above yours. He fixed it enough to get you back tho'.... I don't buy the fact that these men have no control over their behaviour. They rarely behave badly in public.

Parsley, that's interesting what you say about his mother. His mother is definitely at the root of his problems: neglect, abuse, emotional abuse, alcoholism and he has the same love/hate thing. He has spent a lot of his life supporting her and trying to fix her.
Still, I am at the point where I don't give a shit TBH.
My sympathy has run out. My own DC are more important.

What evryone else has said. Good luck, and remember, you've done it before, and you can do it again!

If you read the Red Flags thread you will see stuff about mothers. Sometimes they can see that this is the problem, but don't care enough to invest in making the change. Mine accepts it, just doesn't change.

Nomore - go see the GP, explain how tired you are and about your Partner , ask GP to sign you off work for a while. Ask GP to give you his opinion on your partner and his behaviour. If you see GP alone he can be your advocate for the session. Sadly, once you have had delusions etc its likely that "illogical pathways of thinking"will resurface again.

I still think getting your partner to move out for at least a while in conjunction with time off work will give you time to relax - he won't be dirty and mooching around getting on your nerves and causing you so much worry. See how a "break" makes you feel if you aren't ready to call time just yet.

(I finally asked my partner to leave last week but he is refusing. Looks like I will have to move)

You know what you need to do. Good luck.

I don't mind, lizbee. It's nice to have a man's perspective especially as you are with him after leaving an abusive relationship. Glad you've found someone worth spending your life with :)

The thing is, Parsley, when he was ill he actually did behave like that in public. He alienated all his friends and family with his bizarre, paranoid and angry behaviour. He also was rude and lost his temper with work colleagues and his boss, who he also kept telling how to do his job because he had delusions that he knew better than him even though it was a top 50 multinational company (which got him sacked).

I don't want to make excuses for him at all. I'm trying to work it all out in my head.

I love my DC more than anything and if I have to kick him out for the best then I will.

One other thing.

Newborns are hard work and it sounds like, at best, he'll be little help. If you resent him now, it's unlikely you'll feel more warmly towards him when you are postpartum and sleep-deprived and he's being useless.

And if he's not on an even keel with new medication (or changing over) he may not cope well, especially if you're not able to look after him (not your job but he's probably got used to it).

It doesn't feel as hard or emotional as it did last time. Maybe I haven't invested as much of myself into this as I thought.

Jane, I hadn't thought of going on the sick (will it affect my maternity leave? Or is that just pregnancy related sickness?)

I think I already know how a break will feel. Although it was hard last time I still felt 'free' IYKWIM DD struggled with not seeing him and DS probably will now he's older but the time we spent together was so much better. Everything done the way I wanted it. No emotional vampire draining me.
Looks like I'm pretty clear on what I need to do. Am just talking myself into it more with every post.

I'm sorry your partner won't leave, Jane and really hope things work out well for you x

You're right, somethingonce. I'm planning to BF so everything will fall to me. I don't need another (adult) DC to look after with two pre schoolers and a newborn. Things ran so much more smoothly when he wasn't here.

I felt that things ran smoother. He was very specific about a lot of things. It was lovely to be a bit more relaxed.

Yes, it will fall to you and you'll likely be very tired for a couple of months.

Have you given thought to how you'd cope if the worst of his symptoms return when you're more vulnerable? Sorry to be so negative but surely you must know it's a possibility.

Missed your post about the red flags thread, Parsley, but will have a look.
Just out of interest, if you don't mind me asking, what made you leave your STBXH? What gave you the final push? How did you stop yourself going back?

It's ok, somethingonce, you're not being negative, you're being realistic. I definitely couldn't cope with him if he got worse.

I can barely tolerate the minimal symptoms he's showing now and don't want to wait for him to start new meds as they're bound to have side effects too.
And that's not even thinking about things getting to delusion/anger/violence which I guess can never be completely ruled out.
The lady thing I need is for that to happen when Dc3 is tiny.

OP, you know that your husband is fucked-up because of his mother's crap? Well, if you don't leave, what do you think will happen to your DC as a result of his crap? You are not a big enough buffer to shield them from the dysfunction, stress, sadness and stress they ARE growing up with because of them. You say they haven't witness the worst of his behaviour, but what they are witnessing - are internalising as normal, acceptable behaviour in relationships - is already incredibly sad and damaging for them.

Perhaps because you work in MH, you might have a bit of a saviour complex when it comes to him, or felt in the past that you could fix him, and, as you have worked out v astutely for yourself, because you see such extreme MH issues, you've probably minimised how bad it is in your own head.

But you've seen now that it has to end. Do not allow another child to grow up around this damaged and damaging man. And don't allow yourself to tolerate it, either. You all deserve better.

*last not lady

Oxford - I had considered the saviour thing. I suppose at some points I've thought he just needed someone to support and love him to help fix him but its gone way beyond that. I probably need some sort of therapy to sort my own head out too.

Oxford is right. And children can appear to be doing alright at the time, but by the time it becomes clear they haven't, it's hard to undo the harm.

:( big cuddles for my DC tonight (partner sleeps separately)

Nomore there were a couple of final straws. He had signed up for internet dating, and didn't seem to 'get' what a betrayal it was. At Relate he said he had signed up for it because he wanted to go owl watching one night, and dd and I wouldn't go with him...yes, owl watching. I had a thread about it at the time. After that we were due to go on holiday, with mil, and he persuaded me to go. Both of them were foul to dd and I all week. He took some slats out of my bed, so I kept falling into the bed, before I investigated and realised what he had done. This aggravated an existing hip problem. He engineered a major row just before we set off to come home, by really upsetting dd, knowing I would lose my rag with him. He had also involved dd in the online dating, by telling her I was accusing him of it, but I was bonkers. She had known nothing about it, as I had kept a lot of the abuses of 20 yrs from her, including dv, ea etc. He moved out the next day, but on his way managed to fiddle with the boiler. As he was a plumber, and dd was staying away, I wondered if he was actually trying to kill me. When he is pretending to be nice, I remember this stuff. I could never trust him again. I feel safe in my own home, and I didn't before. I never want to live like that again. Hth.

I wish you the very best with whatever you decide to do.

MN is always here if you need support.