Nobody believes me

[MissMemoo]

I have written about ex h several times under a different name and have had some brilliant advice.

Dh abused me in many different ways throughout our marriage and I recently found the courage to split up with him.

I've told a few close family members about the abuse but not one of them believes me! H is very charming and charismatic and they jyst don't believe he would hurt me.

My sister lives abroad and has just flown over to the UK for a few weeks and she is so angry with me for 'lying' that she isn't coming to see me at all.

I needed support from them more than ever but Ive found myself in a situation where I have nobody.

Sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately abusers are often great at charming everyone. It's part of what they do.

Please keep trying WA, you will get through again. Or maybe try Samaritans. www.samaritans.org/

I believe you too. My parents supported my abusive ex too - have him practical and emotional support to bring a vexatious law suit for access and interfered with the contact and bullied me. They believe me now but I had to be very firm with them and stopped speaking to them for a while. I can understand how you feel, alone, terrified and betrayed but the truth does come out eventually. The less you tolerate his abuse the more obvious it becomes to others, they'll probably slowly all come round, you will have to decide whether you want them in your life after what they did but with strength (and women's aid) you can get through.

I believe you.

My closest friend chose to downplay the abuse I received from XH, and contributed to the abuse by reporting to him on what I was doing.

Big hugs xxx

Offred, My parents believe me now, and know firsthand how awful my x is because I don't communicate with him ever, so they have had to pick up the baton, dealing with handovers. But to begin with no matter what I said I heard 'ah six of one and half a dozen of the other!'. They KNOW NOW though. Actually, when I stopped trying to put forward my case and let them deal with him, they discovered. Because he quickly stopped trying to fool them, because I wasn't there to witness them being fooled. I cut him off stone dead so he got nothing out of being charming to htem any more.

I BELIEVE YOU. these evil people are clever manipulating and charming. In middle of divorce from my abusive ex. He and my good friend threatened to 'get me sectioned' as I must have been mentally ill to divorce him! Be strong and keep a diary! I found fantastic counsellor and that helped a lot. X

I believe you too.

How are you this morning OP?
We're still here if you need us.

ladybird69, yeh, they don't respect your choice to end the relationship. My x obviously (being cut from this cloth) can't accept that I left because he was a bad tempered controlling abusive bully. His interpretation is that I left on an impetuous selfish whim because I wanted an easy life! wha'??? (well life is easier )

Hi Op,

So sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, stories about abusive, controlling men op up with depressive regularity on threads. Quite often it is an OP who is blaming herself for "upsetting" her H and as the thread progresses, more controlling (by Him) behaviour comes to light.

Once you have been through abusive behaviour, you recognise the red flags.

One thing i would wonder from your thread; you say you have no contact with your family, being systematically isolated from friends and family is also the tactic of an abusive man.

In terms of getting more support from women's aid, is there a local number you can call. I know that they can put you in touch with a drop in centre (not a refuge) just a weekly sort of drop in advice / chat session where you can get more information & support.

Also, i am not sure what age you DC's are but your local sure start centre would also be able to point you in the right direction, and quite often have a lady from women's aid who visits weekly if you needed to have a chat.

However, well done on taking this huge step and glad you are feeling better already.

I believe you.

I believe you too. In fact I believe you all.

What I find astonishing (as the mother of 2 grown-up daughters) is that your families didn't believe you. If either of my daughters came to me and said that they were leaving their partner because he was abusive (regardless of how much I like him) I would believe her. That is my job - to believe my children.

I think what you need to understand romilly is that by the time of the split the abuser will have put a lot of time and effort (years and years) into isolating you from those close and doing that often involves making you look mentally ill or "bad" and himself/herself look compassionate and put upon or doing their best. They play on the shame that families feel about someone belonging to them doing the things the abuser says they are doing, they create webs of lies, often unknown to the victim and they join in comforting the family who often are manipulated to think "how could someone we raised/love behave in such a terrible way?" The abuser makes him/herself the victim, replaces you in your family's eyes as the loved one or rational or trustworthy one and convinces them that it is necessary to be cruel to be kind an that they are only doing it reluctantly. It is really horrible.

Mine had been setting me up to fail and telling lies about me virtually the whole relationship. My parents don't really fully believe they were lies yet I think 6 years on, my mum maybe but not my dad.

6 years on from the split I mean.

I believe you op. We will always believe you if you ever need to talk about it.

I'm still to scared to tell my family about the abuse, and don't think i ever will.

I have told 2 close friends, and they have been great. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have people side with the bastard over you.

I believe you. Hope you are OK.

I'm ok today I think. Just feel a bit shaky sometimes.

My x has done an amazing job on my family. My mother adores him. It always use to be poor xxxxx (Meaning how does he put up with such a mentally ill, crap excuse for a wife that you are Memoo.)

I think it's highly unlikely that things will ever improve with my family. I know that H has pulled the wool over their eyes but ultimately it is they who choose not to believe their daughter/sister. In a way I'm more hurt by their behaviour than I am by the actions of h.

I really need to speak to somebody in rl. I'm going to try my local WA as suggested.

I'm in danger of going under but I refuse to let that happen. My dc deserve better. If its the last thing I do I will be a good mother to them.

Hi OP,
finding a local Women's Aid is a great idea. Here is a link to find one
www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010024

Well done for digging deep to find the strength to keep going, especially for the sake of your children.

If you are ever struggling, don't hesitate to post, there is always a lot of support on MN as i have seen on other threads.

Are there any friends in RL you could confide in.

If it is any consolation, you Ex will find someone else and repeat the same patterns and hopefully when the next person dumps him, perhaps your family will finally see him for what he is.

I believe you. The same happened to me and my Dad and sister didn't believe me and started being very friendly with my ex. Previously it had been a fairly perfunctory relationship.

You might find the Stately Homes threads here useful. In the longer term unpacking your family's treatment of you might help you understand how you ended up in abusive relationship.

I have been completely no contact with my family for over two years and their collusion with my ex was the final push. I've never been happier.

I believe you Memoo.

I hope you get through to WA. You are strong enough to get through this.