Am I over-reacting to explicit messages. DH seems to think I am. (really long)

[Stropzilla]

I'm sorry, I've tried to cut this down so I don't drip feed but this is as brief as I can do it! In short, have found messages to a mutual friend of ours where DH was really bad-mouthing me, then being sexually explicit.

We've had a tough year. I had a very hard pregnancy, in hospital a lot, poorly baby, DD1 starting school, and medical problems for me that limit a lot of movement. I have a large bowel hernia that is in urgent need of repair and am waiting for an operation date. I will need an op that will put me flat on my back for a month, unable to even lift my baby or I will end up back in hosptial for longer for a worse op according to my consultant. Our house is a tip which I hate but some days I can't even push the hoover round. I'm miserable as I dislike living in a dump. DH is really messy, drops clothes where he takes them off, leaves dirty things in the kitchen and expects me to clean up after him, moans when I ask him to take rubbish out (and then doesn't do it, leaving black bags to fester in the kitchen for days - which means I either live with a smell, or do it myself and end up in pain for a few days). I don't feel like having sex a lot, although I still go down on him and it's never returned. We don't have much physical intimacy beyond that. I know he works, and he works damn hard for which I am always telling him how grateful I am. I have never stopped him going out with mates or whatever he wants to do.

I used the computer, and found up on the screen messages going back months up until recently complaining about me. Not one positive thing was said. He said I'm always angry and aggressive, he can't talk to me, he's expected to look after the kids all the time, I can't cope with 2 kids etc. That I need help but I'm being controlling and refused to give him my HV number so he could chase them up (I don't recall being asked for it ever and even if I refused surely he could have got it another way if he was that worried?). He doesn't know how he's going to cope after my op it's just yet more being piled on him. He complained to her he had to use a condom when we had sex. He told her the orgasm he had thinking about her was the best one he'd had for months, and detailed what he wanted to do to her. Calling her a nickname really close to the one he uses for me. I found porn of women being anally abused. I wasn't even snooping around our PC, they were on favorites and bookmarked! He wants to take her out to dinner, just the 2 of them and complained about having to take me out because I wanted to go and he was tired.

He does his share of nightshift when he sleeps on the sofa and DD2 sleeps in the cot downstairs, but in his message he's told her he's not allowed back in our bed and stays on the sofa every night. I can cope with 2 kids just fine, I CAN'T cope with 2 kids, him being a 3rd child, cleaning house AND being in pain all the time. I have no social life because of this. I never get out. I shouldn't even be carrying washing upstairs (doctors orders) but I do anyway because who else will? I don't expect him to look after the kids, I try to insist he doesn't because I know when he gets home he just wants to relax. He ALWAYS argues that he wants to, that he's missed them.

If you're with me so far, thank you.

I spoke to her, she said she had felt really uncomfortable in the conversation and tried to steer it away, laugh it off - which I could see from the messages - but he hadn't taken the hint. She is a very meek person and would not have been able to tell him to pack it in. She said she felt awful but didn't know how to tell me. I believe her.

He denied it up until I named her, and some details. He said sorry, didn't admit to it because it was ages ago, didn't think it was relevent, told me he's been a twat that he loves me and was just blowing off steam. I told him to go read those messages and imagine it was me saying them to another man. He did come back looking teary and told me he was an idiot and could see how it could be read but he didn't mean it that way. I spoke to him about the porn (quoted some stuff I'd read on the feminist section on here about girls in porn) and he says he feels sick at that and won't use it again.

NOW SO AS NOT TO DRIP FEED - yes there's more. Sorry!

This is the 2nd time I've caught a conversation of this type, the first time was with a girl in the states he met online just before DD1 was born. Trying to get her to send him pics which she wouldn't. I told him if he behaved this way again he should just leave. He said he was sorry, that he was being a twat. Before I had DD2, and was very ill, he would make comments about beautiful actresses on television, google them with me in the room and show me these girls. I confronted his nasty behaviour, he said he was sorry, that he was being a twat.

I don't know where to go from here. I told him to apologise to my friend and she says he has and seemed sincere, but he sincerely apologised to me 4 years ago too. We've been together nearly 20 years, he's an amazing dad and used to be so loving. These messages he's sent are so 2 faced though, contradicting everything he's told me. I understand this year has been hard on him too, he's had a lot going on at work as well as at home. He's always insisted that he adores me, that I'm beautiful and attractive even when I feel fat and my hernia is blown up. How could he suddenly decide all the things he does are demanded of him? Even when I try to get him to go out with friends he says no. He says he feels like he should stay in and help out, but when I try so hard to keep him happy and he point blank refuses to take time for himself, I don't see how his resulting annoyance at not getting me time is my fault!

He's trying to kiss and hug me and hold my hand, and seems very put out that I won't just accept an apology. I do in front of the girls but I just don't want him kissing me again yet. And his message to her about being made to sleep on the sofa is now true. Am I wrong? Should I just go with it and see what happens again?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

He's disgusting, Shopzilla. A decent man would not do this; use the romance of an engagement to deflect from the situation. What he's done is the equivalent of jingling a bunch of keys in your face. He thinks you're that stupid.

He will never make an effort for you because he doesn't think you're worth it - and you seem to agree with him.

I wish you well, I really do, but you're not serious about making him see that you are not going to take it anymore. Perhaps just having a bit of a rant on here is enough for you, it wouldn't be for me. I hope you'll be able to reflect even if you can't take it in right now. MN advice sometimes penetrates the darkest corners, despite the resistance that is put up - I know this and am grateful for it. :)

[Stropzilla]

I asked why there was no effort. It's my fault again because I've made him feel there was no point.

I'm not going to whack a load on the credit card I just can't bring myself to didn't it. I am upstairs looking for somewhere else in a different location.

[Fairenuff]

If his initial 'proposal' was so dismal, I'm wondering why you married him in the first place. He's obviously always been like this and isn't going to change.

[Stropzilla]

I didn't realise at the time Fairenuff. I knew he wasn't hugely romantic that's fine. I thought he'd made it funny and sweet but now I realise it was just not being bothered. He's even since admitted it was crap.

[Fairenuff]

I asked why there was no effort. It's my fault again because I've made him feel there was no point

Do you know what? I would ask him why he is with you if you're so crap that he has to complain to other about you.

Ask him why he hangs around.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

strop

I am wondering what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up. He has trained you well hasn't he.

He hangs around because he gets what he wants from the relationship i.e every opportunity to use and abuse you (and by turn your children as well). He is actively enjoying seeing your discomforture. You have given him permission to carry on absuing you by not leaving him. What has kept you within this up till now, the house?. Your house is akin to a warzone, it is not a home nor sanctuary for your children.

He is patently not an amazing dad either if he treats you like this. Women in abusive relationships usually write such justifying to themselves guff in their initial post when they themselves have absolutely nothing positive to write about their man.

Both of you are teaching your children damaging lessons currently about relationships. Is this the role model you want to teach the next generation?.

You will never be happy unless you ditch the 12 or so stone of deadweight that you are carrying around your neck i.e your H.

Enlist the help too of Womens Aid - they can and will help you here.

[50shadesofgreyhair]

Strop - you need to stay firm and keep repeating to him that for your relationship to survive, he needs to go somewhere tonight, so that you have head space. You really do need this time to think things through, and take it from one who's been there, it's amazing how differently you see things when the person causing all the pain is out of the home. Would he do this? If not, ask him why he doesn't want to respect your need, and that you want to work things out, but he needs to go in order to do so. If he won't - could you go to a friends tonight? Or a family member? He needs to know that the time has come for make or break, and he needs to finally respect and listen to your desires. And your main one, right now, is space for clarity of thought.

[sleeplessinsuburbia]

So he proposed once in a crap way with a crap ring, then did it again to make things better???? Oh dear.

[Proudnscary]

How are you Stropzilla?

[Offred]

Gosh, have just found this. He seems narcissistic. Everything in your lives is about him. He also is inadequate at work, and the nice parts of your relationship you list are grandiose but empty gestures when real things that are required of him are not done those things ring alarm bells to me.

He is deliberately abusing you because you are vulnerable in order to make himself feel more of a man because he feels small at work. The porn and the sex messages coupled with the types of words he says "I'm sorry you feel that way" make me think he does not think women are people of equal status.

I don't think there is any coming back from this. I think you should ask him to leave.

You and he both should really objectively assess what he contributes to your life; from my perspective worse than not helping he actually harms you, and worse than that he does it deliberately in order to make himself feel better.

"Oh he's a great dad" no, no he really isn't, he's an abusive bully. I worry you are not even safe with him because he exhibits some sexually abusive characteristics and gets angry with you when you assert yourself. Please call women's aid and get their support to get him out.

[Whocansay]

How are you this morning Strop? I hope that you were able to get some space?

[CookieRookie]

How are you today Strop?

[Stropzilla]

Thank you all for your messages I have listened and will update later.

[CaliforniaLeaving]

Hows it going today?