Reassure me that its possible to have a good relationship with your parents

[handlemecarefully]

I have a strained relationship with my parents - particularly my father - whom most people agree is an extremely irritating and difficult person to be around. Basically me and my parents are from different 'planets' and don't understand each other.

With kid(s) of my own now (well technically only one, but another on the way) it haunts me that when my children are adults they might view me in a similar way - i.e. they will feel obligated to be a good daughter / son, but won't particulary relish or enjoy spending time with me. I so want to cultivate and sustain a good relationship with them, but what if they find me an 'encumbrance'.

I hope things will be different between me and my children, and that for example I will have the self awareness to identify and curb my own irritating character foibles that might grate upon them, and will have the sort of relationship where we can talk openly about this sort of thing (and resolve it)....

However a lot of my friends have similar issues with one or both of their parents.

There must be some of you who have great relationships with your parents. Please reassure me that it can be done....

I've always wanted to post this, but felt like I would be showing off.

I have an excellent relationship with my parents and my PILs - and reading about other people's relationships on MN makes me feel very very lucky.

I get on especially well with my mum - I enjoy her company as I do that of friends although obviously the relationship is different (I would hate to have one of those "my mum is my best friend" relationships - it's not right). The key is probably that neither she, nor my other relatives or in-laws stick their noses in or criticise unless I actually ask for advice.

I suppose it's not 100% perfect - there are some "ishoos" I couldn't talk about with my dad for instance, but then there are some things I don't mention to certain friends too.

I'm sure you'll have a good relatiionship with your kids when they grow up! (it can be done)

handlemecarefully, i too hope i have a good relationship with dd when she's older! I am SURE i'll do something wrong as i feel my parents did some MASSIVE mistakes when i was growing up. However, they never did anything to deliberately harm me and i know they always loved me!
I have a fantastic relationship with my mam. She actually is my best freind and i think we are even closer since i had my daughter. She still does things i don't agree with and annoys me alot at times but i know,(or hope) that i'd never fall out with her as we'd be lost. (She depends on me alot to lean on as my dad isn't very well at the moment!).
I think we all have irritating traits in our personalitys, it's learning to live with them and laugh at them that's the hard thing!
Good luck+++++++++++++++++

oops, that's me told then!! (posts crossed unfortunately!)

Sorry Angeliz! I was probably being over-generalising there.

can be done - my mum is such a nightmare, we no longer have any contact. DH and his brother have an excellent relationship with their parents. My DS1 is nearly 15 and we have a good one too - apart from my opinion on his room!!! He came to us for advice when he thought a friend was taking drugs, and for help when another tried to kill herself, so feel that he can talk to us
We all make mistakes with our children, its the constant hurtful ones that do the damage, if you are open to treating your children as having thoughts, feelings and opinions of their own, I think you are there

that's ok I actually have very few female friends so i guess that's why i see it like that.

I'd be interested to hear about any good relationships with parents too. I had a good, although by no means perfect, relationship with my dad (who's dead) but don't have such a good one with my mum. I'd love to improve it but wonder if it's too late really.

handlemecarefully
the thought haunts me too, constantly. I have volatile relationship with mother, she irritates the hell out of me and I behave unkindly like a petulatn 14 year old.

Only yesterday I thanked my lucky stars that I have boys not daughters and will not repeat the mistakes me and my mother made with each other.

Is it because our parents are of such a different generation (mine are in early 70s now) or is it because we only remember the irritating things, or because they rowed in front of us (Get up off that couch now, this is not an analysis session)

But I will do everything in my power to make sure my boys want to include me in their lives as adults.

Wow, dinosaur, what maturity and patience you show. A lesson for us all I think.

I agree, with accepting the differnece (gulf) between parents and children. Although my mum is very supportive, it is our personality clash/smilarity that causes problems.

Strangely enough my elder adopted sister gets along famously with my mother after difficult teenage years. I think the absence of genetically shared personality traits helps them to have a 'purer' friendship. Am slightly jealous of that but now I understand it and am very very glad as I am moving to Australia next year and won't be around to care for my folks in very old age, So I'm happy that they get along so well with sister

Unfortunately dinosaur - my parents try to force their views on me!

I too am constantly terrified of making all the mistakes my parents made. They're great with small children, terrible with anyone over 8 or so, and I am sooooooo scared of damaging my daughters they way they did theirs. So I know just how you feel