Would you be upset at this or am I expecting too much?

[MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson]

I am not a needy person at all. I don't normally cry or have many problems or expect people to drop everything for me or arrange things around me.

However the other day I had a crisis; a family member was rushed to hospital and I was really worried, and was feeling very low and tearful. I decided to phone someone who is a good friend, or so I thought. She is quite needy in some ways and I have been there for her many a time and stayed on the phone to her for hours. I have also helped her practically in many ways. As I've been there for her and thought we were good friends I assumed she'd be there for me too.

Anyway, I phoned her, and burst into tears. This is very unlike me, and I don't think she's ever known me to cry before. I started to tell her what had happened and she seemed really bored and said 'Sorry but can I stop you there. I don't mean to be rude but I'm a bit busy at the moment. Don't let it get to you, I'm sure they'll be fine' and basically couldn't wait to put the phone down on me. She hasn't contacted me since.

I feel really disappointed as I thought we were good friends, and obviously I will be shifting her down my friends list quite a bit. I don't want any falling out at all but I won't be bending over backwards to do anything for her again. DH says I expect too much from people. I think perhaps I give a lot to my friendships then wrongly assume that others might do the same. I don't expect everyone to drop everything for me but a bit of time/understanding would be nice.

Am I expecting too much?

Some people are just emotional vampires, they will suck what they can out of you and give nothing back.

I do enjoy socialising with her really, and I enjoy her company. I feel if I didn't socialise with her and had a big argument with her I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I don't know really. It's upset me that she's not as nice a friend as I thought she was. And I've still not heard from her at all. No doubt I'll hear from her in due course though.....when she wants to bend my ear about her problems.

Even if she was busy at the time you called she could have phoned back later. She's not a friend. Don't waste your time on her again.

I hope you and your relative are ok now.

You might well be 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' by taking this approach though. You seem to think clearing the air with a friend always has to be argumentative and aggressive, when it doesn't have to be like that.

Friendships become meaningful when friends are honest with one another.

There was a thread yesterday full of posters who'd been dropped by a friend without knowing why. Even years later, they were baffled by it. Unresolved mysteries like that nag away and people don't always have accurate memories of why a friend might have taken offence.

If your friend is thoughtless and selfish, or just knee deep in a private crisis of her own that she can't speak about right now, she might have completely forgotten this call. I'm not saying that's reasonable or right, which is why I think she needs to know that her behaviour has hurt you.

I'd couch this 'feedback' by saying that if you didn't value her friendship and care for her, you'd cool things and let the friendship wane, but it's precisely because you want to clear the air and re-negotiate your expectations of eachother that you're taking the trouble to let her know how you feel. You'll be doing her a favour as much as yourself. It might give her a much needed wake-up call about her sloppy regard for friendship and you will feel less aggrieved if you assert yourself and make your views clear. But it doesn't have to be aggressive or like a row.

Actually thinking about this I do agree with beth a bit. If this is the first time she has done this then it might be worth telling her that you felt hurt and giving her a chance to explain. If she still doesn't care or apologises but does it again then think about ditching her. She might feel awful about it when she realises how she made you feel and it might make her a bit more considerate to others in the future.

OP, my DP often says people are a bit sh*t. They don't intend to be but there are...that includes close family and friends.

I totally take your point Beth, and Coconut. I think I've had bad experiences in the past tbh. I've in recent years told a couple of good friends, very calmly (I'm not a confrontational shouty person) that they've upset me, and both have gone off on one at me, turned it round onto me, and it's been the end of the friendship. I suppose though if she's a true friend and a decent person then she will be mortified that she's upset me won't she? I know I would be mortified if I did something unintentionally to hurt a friend, or anyone really.

In all honesty, this isn't the first slightly thoughtless thing she's done. The other things haven't been as major as this, as obviously I've not been having a family crisis, but they've still been thoughtless. One example is arranging for our daughters to do something together, asking that I pick up her daughter and take her, then when I turned up to get her daughter, her daughter had gone off to another friend's house for tea, and my friend had forgotten to tell me even though it meant me going out of my way to collect her. Little things, but when I sat and thought about things yesterday, she's done quite a few things like that. But then on the other hand she can be lovely. I think the friendship is based more on her terms though. When she's not busy, when she wants to do to X or Y. Which is fine generally, as I am fairly easygoing and have other friends too and a busy life. But it does seem to lean slightly more towards her wants/needs than mine.

MouMou, that is a good saying! And very true!

You're right a true friend would be mortified that they've upset you. I'm sure I've done or said things in the past that might have upset people and if a friend came to me and told me I would apologise and make sure it never happened again! I would also be glad that they felt they could be honest enough to tell me, I know how hard it can be.

Maybe it's time to have a frank chat with her, if you end up losing a friend then she wasn't a very good friend in the first place.

This is not to be offensive towards you, but are you perhaps judging people wrong? From what you've said, it's already clear that she's let you down a few times and pretty much does her own thing, no matter what someone else is doing. I'm puzzled as to why you'd have assessed her in particular to be the person to call for a shoulder to cry on?

Friendship is a give and take really. When it comes down to, most people will probably put themselves and theirs first, it's just a case of how you give and take over a long period of time.

You say all your friends are like this. Do you think they see you as a doormat maybe? Could it be that you're just choosing the wrong type of friend?

Another possibility: are you oversensitive? If a friend called me in tears, I can actually envisage a few scenarios where I wouldn't be able to stay on the phone. Obviously though, I'd call back when I could. Maybe this was the case?

Just a few thoughts....

Just something to condsider.....

or consider even

Can you clarify how you think I may have been oversensitive, Helltotheno? I'm a bit confused. I was really upset about what had happened in my family, and I think it's justified that I would be upset and need support from a friend. I don't think that I'm being oversensitive in being upset about my friend fobbing me off and escaping the conversation ASAP. I think most people would be upset about being treated that way in their hour of need. And it happened several days ago and she's not phoned back yet, so I'd say that that wasn't the case either....

I wouldn't say I was a doormat, no. Perhaps I do sometimes choose the wrong type of friend though.

No not for being upset yourself, more in relation to her reaction, after all, she hasn't given you any reason up to now to consider her a good/close friend or someone who'll be there in your hour of need.