It's not going v well? Can I bend your ear?

[nobodyreally]

So sexually we kind if mis match I think?! :s it's got to the point I just don't want to any more. Dh has said I don't feel the same way that I used to and he's right I don't. I love him, but I'm not sure I fancy him any more.

I know there's more to life than sex, but I do miss it, it just feels wring with him now a bit false. I just dont want to. Tonight he's thrown a strop and is sleeping on the sofa. A few years ago I'd of gone downstairs and made peace convincing him to cone back to bed. Now I just can't be bothered and would rather sleep like a star fish.

Thing is I do love him. Just cringe a bit when I get close to him. This is bad isn't it? This is the first year we've been married and we have a year old ds together, although we separately have older Dcs too.

I've never felt like this before and always had a healthy sex drive. The thought of dressing up or even making a vagus effort fills me with dread. Is this going to pass?

Apologies are just words if the behaviour doesn't alter.

Well behaviour has altered and he is making an effort but for how long I guess time is a healer and if things continue to improve then that's a start. Obviously if they don't then that has to be it.

He doesn't pester me for anal but you can tell it's on his mind when we r in the act. He also didn't realise how much pain I was in after ds birth. Ds had a v large head, full blown heamoroids and bruised bowel. So even a slight knock and I'm in agony. I hadn't told him and hadn't gone to the dr about it until recently. I now have a referral to hosp for grade one piles which I think is the worst you can have. It just makes me feel revolting. I can't blame the piles on him really but I do because if he hadn't abandoned me in labour, with my mother and the Dcs, NO Fing MIDWIFE, then maybe I might not have panicked so much ?? can I blame him for that???

I just feel more let down about that than anything else really. He should have been there to protect me shouldn't he??

Although the mw told him I wasn't in labour I told him I was, my mum told him I was. I didn't actually ask him to stay, because I wanted him to realise. But he didn't, so is that my fault? I suppose he can't be a mind reader? I just wouldn't have left him, that's the difference.

Actually he doesn't sound great OP. As someone said above, porn habit?

I think your best bet is tell him exactly how you feel and more importantly, ask him to be honest about how he feels, esp the sex issue. Regarding the sex, you are under no obligation to have sex the way he wants to unless you actually want to yourself. Imo, the things he's said to you are inexcusable and designed to make you feel bad about yourself, which they did, and you do. I'm not batting for his team at the mo.

hell I value your opinion and all of u lovely ladies, thankyou. I certainly haven't had sex the way he wants I can assure you. I do have some self respect left at least.

Im sure after living with him for 5 yrs I'd have noticed if he had a porn habit. I can't find any trace of one. He's rubbish at hiding anything so I'm sure i would have noticed a snippet during that time???

He's not the first man I've met who thinks anal is the greatest thing. In fact most bar one would like to give it a go. It's just not for me and I'm not a prude. Sex should be enjoyable for both or else what's the point??? That's why I've retreated I think. Although he is making an effort now, I'm not sure whether I want him to.

I am the dirt to bottle everything up and then it all cones tumbling out when I've had enough. I'm a giver I always have been, but I think I've given too much of myself and there's just nothing left.

" I suppose he can't be a mind reader? "

No-one can be. Your last two posts include 'I hadn't told him' and 'I didn't actually ask him to stay' 'he didn't realise how much pain I was in'. From what you describe of this man he doesn't sound the type that is going to pick up on subtle hints... if you want him to do something or know something or understand something you have to hit him between the eyes in as unambiguous and unequivocal a way as possible. No more treading on eggshells.

cog I did spell it all out a month ago and this is when the apologies started. But I agree I haven't spelt it out before. So yes that's my fault. He is unbelievably insensitive. Although improves when things r explained. Almost like a child I suppose.

My dads just gone in for exploratory op for bowel cancer. I phoned my mum on Sunday for the results and wanted to tell dh the outcome, he said I'm just rushing out the door tell me as soon ad u get back. When he got back I said...is there anything you were going to ask me? Ad he'd settled down to watch dr who? He goes oh yes, sorry darling, tell me now and paused tv, so he could hear. Im not sure if that's caring or uncaring? Then I asked him to take ds swimming for me as he got home earlier than expected. He agreed, but then said why isn't your mum taking him???? Hello??? Dads just come out of hosp!!! Oh yes, he goes, sorry sorry, just forgot for a minute.

Is he just thick? Or so wrapped up in himself he can't think about others?

He sounds very self-absorbed, but it is good that when told, he tries to alter his behaviour. But very hard work to have to point out the obvious.

You could perhaps try to work on communication/assertiveness so you're not reluctant to tell him how you're feeling, while he works on his 'thinking of others' skills. But you sound like you're near the end of your tether.

Yes u definitely need to work on assertiveness! I'm rubbish!!! but then end up feeling walked all over??? How do I do that?

Sorry meant iii!!!

"is there anything you were going to ask me? "

If you know someone is self-absorbed and lacks empathy that's too passive aggressive a question. Switch OFF the TV another time, make him look at you and start the conversation. "I'm going to tell you about my father. It's very important, very serious and you need to listen". Yes, it's unfortunate that you have to treat a grown-up the way you would a child but sometimes that's the only way to get through. If you're not prepared to live with a big selfish kidult OTOH, show him the door.

I suppose he's Brad Pitt, Rafa Nadal and Shia LaBeouf all wrapped into one? He has to up his game if he wants to share intimacy again. He sounds unafraid to voice his thoughts, why don't you drop your tact filter like he does. Don't bottle things up. Without raising your voice just speak up and let it flow. That way he's under no illusions.

Sorry about your dad, hope it's a good prognosis.

OP, I would urge you to tell your DH how you feel. I don't think anyone can speculate how he will react, he may not have realised how he makes you feel, some men just need to be told, not in an aggressive way, but turning sentences around with I feel like xxx. If you don't tell him you don't like those things or how vulnerable you feel and how this has affected your self esteem, he has no chance of changing his ways....the hope is that your DH will listen to you, respect your privacy (he might not have realised he's invading you) and let it be for a while, whilst showing you affection differently.
Maybe by learning to communicate with you more effectively or just cuddling/ spooning with you or holding your hand.
Btw, my DP has always refused to do it during my periods and I have plenty of girlfriends whose DH told them they disliked it very much during that time. Your DH is not the only one and I don't think it's a sign of love or lack of.
The same goes for what you like if you have said no before to certain things that he likes, he should respect your feelings and not force it upon you....
Good luck!

I'm certainly not afraid to voice my opinion, but I need to do it in a way it gets noted. Not in a fed up shrill voice of explosion. Which tends to be what happens.

I have told him we need to make some changes and he has been receptive to talking. It's just whether anything can be carried through. I don't think he has any idea the impact he has on me when he is thoughtless.

The sex on your period thing I could accept I know it's not everyone's cup of tea. It was the careless way he told me how revolting I was that was hurtful. And then I don't really understand it as surely back passage is equally as revolting?! Well to me it would he far worse.