Am i abusive ? Or is it him ?

[joanne34]

Don?t know where to start here.

Basically DP and I have been together 4-5 years. (1st clue... I dont know when we count from because i was so off and on about him)

I never really wanted a partner. I separated from my previous husband in July 2006. I got on really well with DP as a friend as we knew each other from work and social gatherings. I really wanted him as a friend but when i said this back then he got all stroppy and in his words said ' I already have enough friends'.
I still remember that !

So i kind of felt forced into seeing him and then he sort of moved in and at the time i did feel like i didnt want him there all the time, but i liked having someone to spend weekends with, especially having a 5 year old son at the time.
Things moved on we rented a bigger house together.
He has always been very social and went out alot, I thought that would change.... it did... for the worse. I seemed to be doing everything, while he went out at least twice a week not coming home till the early hours.
I work 38 hours a week. He works full time too.
Back then i started to get pissed off that he would never answer his phone or texts while he was out... I remember one morning me being so angry that he had just turned up, I threw my phone at the wall. It smashed. I think i have thrown 2 phones at walls because of him making me so angry and feeling so hurt.

In June 2009 I fell pregnant. He really wanted a child, I did too, maybe not quite at that time but i wanted to go through with the pregnancy.
He carried on going out while i was pregnant, I was sick till 28 weeks... I had to work, take my ds to school and pick him up, whilst he strolled in when he felt like.
The resentment had started.
We bought a flat together in sept 2009 and moved. I was'nt entirely happy with the flat as it needed so much work but it was all we could afford.
I believe this is where my depression really kicked in.
Carried on threw pregnancy feeling really low.
Once DS2 arrived I still felt low with myself. I loved the baby and definitely wasnt depressed because of him, i just hated myself. DP carried on going out and generally behaving like a student. More resentment grew.

I went back to work in Jan 2011. I was put back into a role that I hadnt been happy with in the past. I thought oh well, at least i get left alone to potter on.
I started to feel resentment about the job as the anxiety started to grow.
DP still went out.
I started to have bad thoughts in 2011... everything was getting ontop of me. Working, taking kids to nursery and school, picking them up, doing dinner, doing washing, trying to tidy.

I started to wish that I was in hospital so i would?nt have to do everything anymore.... I started to not sleep and things got bad, I was off work alot and I wished I could just go to sleep and not wake up. This made me cry as I didnt want to leave the children. I thought about cutting my arms so DP would see that I needed help.

I exploded a few times at DP saying I wanted help and could?nt cope, he would pull his finger out for a few days then back to normal. On Valentines day 2012 I went to the Docter?s.... I remember sitting in the waiting room holding back the floods of tears... I got into her room and the flood gates opened. She was brilliant, we talked for about 30 mins, she prescribed me citalopram of which has really helped.
I have been able to address things in my life that I was?nt happy with.
I have started to believe that I am not such a bad person. All I want to be is a good person with a simple life. I love the kids and I want them to turn out happy and normal.
DP still takes the piss. I still do everything but I cope with it better now.
I still moan at him for spending too much money or not turning up in the morning when it is his turn to take them to school etc.

He has now handed his notice in at work because he was unhappy. He has in the past been asked to leave jobs because of his consistent late time keeping and continual sickness (hangovers).
I spoke to him and suggested he is a stay at home Dad. Our money should be about the same each month. Although I have already offered to do some overtime for extra money.
I handed in notice for DP2 on friday and feel really sad about it.
Also DP1 will not be going to afterschool club as DP will collect him.

DP and I went out on Saturday evening for a pint... all was ok, we talked about what will happen once he finishes work. When we got home, he wanted a cuddle. We haven?t had sex in about 6 weeks. I don?t really want sex anymore, plus I sleep in DS1?s bedroom on the bottom bunk. I do think because of my bad sleep patterns and DS2 wakes me up and I get insomnia.
Anyway, I cant remember why but DP asked me if my husband left me because we never had sex ! I couldn?t believe he said this and was really annoyed and upset.
This then caused an argument and he went on to say that I am always putting him down. I do moan about him not doing anything, but then he does lie in bed till 11am at the weekends or quite possibly more.

I do admit to saying hurtful things, in retaliation to him never being there and always being a lazy slob. Does that make me a narcissist ? I am a very honest person and really should be more thoughtful of my words.
I feel constantly resentful toward him though, and that makes me want to hurt him because he constantly lets me down and that hurts me. I feel used.
Another reason I don?t want sex with him.
I have on numerous occasions asked him to move out but he says he won?t leave DS2 and it is half his flat. Even though, when he looks after DS2 he spends most of his time on his iphone or asleep on the sofa with him.

I am feeling really low again and spent most of saturday and sunday crying.

(sorry, didnt realise it would be that long)

You're effectively a bit player in your own life and that would make anyone depressed and resentful. From the way you describe it, you've spent the last four or five years allowing things to 'happen' to you unilaterally ... him moving in, the baby, the job, him giving up work .... rather than controlling what happens, setting your own pace or having time to think anything through properly. That's a crappy place to be.

If you don't want to be with him any more then this is the time to take the initiative. Get some muscle on your side in the form of legal and other advice. Womens Aid might be able to help you, for example. If he won't move out, see if you can find some accommodation of your own, that kind of thing. I think that once you are running the show you'll find you are much less depressed.

Long story short:

You got together with dp

You became depressed

He has been whatever the complete antithesis of supportive is

The relationship has broken down.

Sound about right?

Citalpram as well as being tired from being a mum and housekeeper slave will kill any remaining remnants of a sex life.

Plus why would you want to have sex with someone who does fuck all for you.

Maybe if he is a SAHD he will find out what its all about but i doubt it, you'll probably come back home to a pigsty and resent him even more.

You're not really abusive, just frustrated. I would have bounced the phones off his thick skull.

I'm on anti d's and suffer from insomnia/shitty sleeping patterns and often crash out on DS2's bed especially if he's crashed in mine. I don't know if this is down to the meds, but it seems to be, and if DP doesn't like it then tough. If it wasn't for him i wouldn't be on meds so he needs to pull his finger out of his ass and make things easier and better for me so i don't have to be.
Sounds awful written down but thats how i feel.

When he looks after our DS he was also always on the iphone or xbox.
I tried saying 'oh look DP why don't you play this with DS or read him a book' and being fluffy and nice about it.

So it didn't work and i ended up with the old 'that game is more important to you than time with your DS? Fine. Just imagine one day looking up from it and seeing him as a teen and regretting what you've missed. Or be careful that we don't up and leave while you're busy'

He does the pull the finger out and all the stops for a few days then goes to slip back into his usual self only to find theres a bed of nails under his ass in the form of me watching for that moment he slacks off.

Its very tiring. I signed up to be DS' mum not DP's as fucking well.

I can see why you're angry.

The other thing he does is make a big show of apologising loudly and profusely while i'm halfway through saying 'you do this and it makes me unhappy' that pisses me off because he doesn't even know why he's apologising because he hasn't let me finish, so how can he begin to put it right..

I can't see anywhere in your post where you can give any good reason for being a relationship with this man. You don't get support or respect from him and don't even seem to like him.

Get rid of him and your depression will go. He's a lazy, selfish, cocklodging parasite who pushed you into having a relationship you never really wanted in the first place.

When he's gone, it might be worth looking into some assertiveness training or something like that, so you get better at standing up for yourself and refusing to roll over and please a man just because he tells you to do something. Best of luck.

He sounds like he's got a drink problem. Sickness at work/losing jobs because of hangovers? Jeez. You're right, you're living with an alcoholic teenager who sounds like a lazy arse to boot. When you say that he doesn't turn up in the morning for the school run (what a wanker), is that because he has been out on the piss all night ? If so I am fuming on your behalf.

Seriously? I would take steps to get you and your children away from this selfish piece of work.

That's a tough one... I tend to try and see things from DS' perspective since he's about and I know that DS hates DP and I arguing, whoever is right or wrong it hurts him to see us frustrated and angry.
DS would hate that we separate. As much as he is a mummy's boy he loves his dad and I know that if I tried to take away DS, it would break DP's heart.
It might not be what you'd like to hear but have you exhausted all avenues like Relate or couple counselling? You don't seem to like your DP very much, it sounds as if you are unsure you did 4 or 5 years ago, is there really no chance you can learn to like living with him again or perhaps even love him?
Re the sex comment, we have it the other way with DP never wanting to and I have to admit I asked a similar question, I ask my DP if his former GF left him because he keeps his affection away and uses it to punish me sometimes.
As for doing more with DC, once he's a SAHD this could all change.... Can you not bear to give him a chance to be a better dad?

Ohhh cocklodging my fave word SGB lol i'd forgotten that one

Get rid. If he won't go you go. Save up for a bond if you have to? And rent.

I did this and never looked back. I was in my late 30s, am 44 now and with a lovely dp with my two dss. Exdh and I are ok but he wasn't happy I left. I left for other reasons but he was a selfish git too.

The only thing will be the childcare issue.

get rid of him before this sahd business starts or he will get custody of the children which will suit him fine as he's a lazy arse and doesn't want to work and will get all the tax credits and support and the flat.

i agree that your depression will go when he does. you settled for a man you didn't want to be with and who has been nothing but a burden in your life. of course you are miserable. this is your life! live it.

It doesn't sound like either of you is abusive to be honest, although throwing things is very aggressive behaviour and not something your partner should have to put up with. It just sounds like the relationship is just about dead, never really was alive to begin with in fact, and it's time to finish it once and for all. I'm guessing that once the initial upheaval is over you will feel 100 times better.

personally this happened to me and now I look back and see that my ex was a full on coercive controlling narcissist. Who played the same mind games

Don't bother trying to work out the ins and outs. You're miserable in this relationship, and you don't like the way he treats you. Have some self respect and leave.