My husband left today to be with OW. (Aus)

[romaloS]

So sad. 16 years married, 3 DC aged 10, 8 and 6. Knew he was having EA at least. He said he was going for a bike ride this morning and told him that I didn't believe him, he denied and denied and it was only when I said that I was sure he was going to meet OW using her name that he admitted he was. We then got to where he admitted they had talked about him moving in with her but he couldn't/wouldn't say when he was planning on dropping that on me. All was calm throughout - as it always is with us. Lots of long silences and I was shaking like a leaf. I asked him to make a decision and he said we 'weren't working' and he felt he had to go. Best line of the morning - 'it's for the best' yeah right, for you! He adores our children and was genuinely upset not to be with them anymore. I asked him what we will say and he says that we'll tell them the truth in a few days.

So I gathered them up, told them to say bye to Daddy (which they did very casually, completely oblivious) and took them to the zoo then for lunch. We've actually had a really nice day just our little unit of 4 and I've held it together really well. Got home about 2 hours ago and he's gone of course but hardly taken any stuff with him.

I feel very disappointed and embarrassed. I have lots of good friends around who will drop everything for me but the thought of speaking about it makes it seem so real and I'm a VERY closed book. I also don't want to tell the world before the children know.

Added info. He had a short affair nearly 4 years ago which lead to us rebuilding our relationship and we did really well up until about 6 months ago when I realised the pattern of sneaky behaviour was creeping in again. Went for one session of counselling which was really just setting the scene and he flatly refused to go to the next appointment while we were standing on the doorstep of the psychiatrist on the way in. Doesn't want to face his childhood and shitty upbringing and mental family history. I really believe he is like this cause of childhood learned behaviours - both his parents had affairs/basically fucked up the lives of the 5 boys they had between them and their new spouses. All dysfunctional other than H who up until this morning looked like the model husband and father. We only told 2 people about the previous affair and no one knows what's going on now. It will be a massive shock to everyone, including our families and children.

So he's disappeared off into the sunset with his shiney new relationship and I've got to hold it together until we officially tell the children. . And longer term I am determined to break the cycle of deceit and disloyalty which he grew up with and focus on giving my children the most stable and supported upbringing I possibly can.

I know deep down I am well rid, really I do. I am focussing on trying to remember that not looking over my shoulder constantly and wondering where his phone is, who he's texting, what lies he's going to spout next is a relief. But I'm so sad as we really did get on so well and were totally in tune with everything we like and dislike/house stuff/children/money etc etc. I am sad not to be a 'normal' family anymore. Am afraid of the fall out and the pity from people at school and around.

My parents are on the other side of the world and will be INCENSED. They are due over here in 10 weeks to spend the summer. I just don't know what to tell them.

Thanks for listening.

[romaloS]

ok, so I was thinking that he could come here and do homework/visit a night or so a week while I go to the gym or something but that's not a good idea I see now, thanks to Izzy. What's the norm? Or is there none. Hell WILL freeze over before I let them go overnight to his new setup in the foreseeable future doubt he would want them cramping his style just now anyway

He will miss them terribly though and I don't want to deny him any access but he can't come and go when it suits him. McDonalds dad, classy. Crap.

[romaloS]

yes, good point about the belongings. I might leave them down the side of the house and tell him to pick them up on Wed night and we'll decamp to a friends house, if tomorrow is disclosure day. I think it'll be best for everyone if he's in and straight out again tomorrow.

[bleedingheart]

Good luck romalo, you are being so strong and focussed. He really will regret this but I am also sure he will do it again and again.

[Punkatheart]

So sorry. Especially as a woman a little further along the line. My only advice would be to focus and on you and the children. They need you now more than ever. There will be lots of emotions yet to come but yes, it will be OK. LFARAJ is spot on - the best revenge is to live well. You are the wonderful woman who was a good wife and a mother. He is a cowardly selfish man thinking of his loins. You have depth and dignity.

Keep talking and I know what you mean about hating to tell people. It brings it all up to the surface again.

[fiventhree]

So sorry for you, R, that you gave him a second chance and that he repaid you like this.

I have just finished reading the Frank Pittman (rip roaringly entertaining, funnily enough) book on infidelity, which is often mentioned on mn.

Pittman mentions four broad types of infidelity, including philandering, as you and he both name it.

He advises that the the type of man who seems to practice this type of infidelity is the only one of the four that you should never ever take back.

His theory is that philanderers actually compete with men (more than others) and either they dislike women or are completely indifferent to them, possibly due to fear.
Infidelity and capturing other women from 'other men', even single women, is a strong pull for them and one of the few ways in which they can feel strong and alive. The women themselves are negligible- once they are hooked, they are no longer of interest.

Given your h has done this twice (to your certain knowledge) I agree with others that the best thing you can now to is to expose him to all, get his stuff out of the house pront, and tell the kids. I would also make a real effort to get those keys this week, when he is probably still disorientated, as he will be more defensive and full of himself next week and want to hang on to them, I think. Philandering men do not like one thing when they move on- and that is to lose power and control of ex's, so I would really shift on the things you want from the slit now, in order to steal a march on him and save a pile of aggravation with him later.

[AnyFucker]

good advice from five

this man will turn peevish and nasty when it dawns on him you have seen the light

[romaloS]

Thanks five, that really hits home. Ok, priority no 1, tell the children then get his stuff out. Am acutely aware that he will expect me to protect him, as I have always done. I absolutely do not want to end up as his parents are - 35 years divorced and still LOATHING each other. My dignity is very important to me, I never once lost it during the months of crap after his last affair but I think I can be dignified yet fair and firm. And exposing him is very important yet going to be one of the worst experiences of my life. It's so humiliating.

[izzyizin]

For him to visit one night a week and supervise homework while you go the gym isn't necessarily a bad idea providing that his belongings have been removed and he no longer has keys to your home.

What you don't want is a situation where he out stays his welcome or uses it as an opportunity to make himself feel entirely at home again by helping himself to your food/prying through your things or thinking he has any rights other than that of a casual visitor.

I suggest you follow your instinct to keep it brief tomorrow and, as clam has said, he removes his belongings that you've placed outside the house on Wednesday at a time when the dc are not around to witness the removal as they may become unnecessarily distressed.

I'm so glad you've posted here as it's always a pleasure to think of an adulterous twunt getting some of his just desserts. He's not going to know what's hit him and she's going to be up to her neck in laundry if he's able to sort out his dirty washing from the various bin bags of creased and crumpled clean clothing you discreetly ripped a few seams/snipped a few buttons off distributed it in as and when you came across it .

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Sorry that your H is a cheating twat

I am totally with izzy - take control, be calm and dignified and tell him he has made his choice. Pack his stuff in bin bags and leave outside for him to pick up.

Agree on arrangements re child access and make sure its all done away from your home - its not his home anymore.

Be prepared for him to get angry when he realises he has lost control of the situation - so no communications unless its about the DC.

I would see a solicitor to check where you stand legally and financially.

[romaloS]

Ok, trying to draw on positives now the children are in bed.

• I changed the bed before all this happened so have lovely clean fresh sheets which are all mine and not crumpled and sweaty.
  
• I don't have to deal with his crazy family anymore. OW is welcome to the lot of them.
  
• H drinks far too much and is a pusher so I usually match him. Tonight I've had one glass of wine and don't even want any more. New lifestyle. Wonder what the OW will make of his alcohol dependency. He might not find her quite so appealing if she's being sniffy about his permanently refilled glass.
  
• I am not stressing about him sitting on the couch with his phone beside him on silent.
  

On the negative I am dreading nighttime. Don't sleep well at the best of times.

Thanks everyone for your support. x

[izzyizin]

Never lose sight of the fact that he's humiliated himself and, in that respect, you are but an innocent bystander who has been powerless to prevent him showing himself up.

No shame can be attached to you and telling people the truth about him is essential to reaffirming your personal integrity as dishonesty and deception is not your natural forte.

[Ormiriathomimus]

May I just say...


arse-wipe, selfish, idiotic, ego-driven, dick-led wanker!!

Thankyou



Sorry romalo. I am just so angry that the world is full of men who seem to so casually cause pain. After going through all that work and 4 years of mending things to have it happen again. So so sorry. Makes me a bit nervous too tbh

Hope you have good night xx

[romaloS]

Sorry Orm.

[clam]

Ah, but romalo the beauty of you being in Oz and many of us being in the UK means that your night-time is our daytime! We can be here to hold your hand.

[romaloS]

Aww, thanks Clam. That is very true!

[EnjoyGOLDResponsibly]

I'm betting you sleep like a bloody log, you deserve it.

I never post in Relationships because I have no relevant experience like the others, but I had to de-lurk to say how utterly impressed I am by your dignity and self-control.

I think your DC are so very lucky to have you. Good luck this week, but I reckon you're about to find out just how good life can be.

[EnjoyGOLDResponsibly]

I rather like the sound of your DM too, I imagine DH is not going to get an easy ride from her.

[Downunderdolly]

Hello Romalo

Firstly terribly sorry that you are going through this. Sadly, a similar thing happened to me (although only one DC) two years ago, similarly for a woman at work (and in the middle of IVF to boot - nice). It my case I had been in Oz for 2 years with Australian husband (arrived 7 months pregnant) and our split was relatively acrimonious although we managed finally to come to a private arrangement about finances and childcare via lawyers meetings which are logged with the court (so binding but private IFSWIM).

As you are both English and the DC were born in the UK there may be a different process/protocol or you may have the possibility - and there may be some merit - of getting divorced in the UK. However, if you do fall under the Australian system then I wanted to let you know what the general - and of course it does depend - framework looks like. All this sounds terribly business like but as some posters in their fabulously supportive posts have outlined some things that are not possible/the way things go in Australia I wanted to let you know my experience. Of course, I am a lay person but this is my learnings (see a solicitor asap).

• in Australia there is only one type of divorce - no fault divorce - irrespective of the circumstances - this is seen to protect the children and 'help' people move on. Sucks if you ask me but it is what it is.
  

• everything is geared towards the child's perspective so if one parent wants to the other person to stay in Australia then it is very very hard to leave. about 5-10% of relocation cases are successful and these are the ones that often include abuse etc. essentially you have to prove that your ability to be a mother is severely compromised by remaining in Australia.
  

• courts begin at 50/50 access when looking at custody cases in dispute and go from there depending on child's age, parents caring history, jobs etc. There is talk of this changing as many people believe that this doesn't work but for now it remains - of course most people, including myself and ex work things out privately but just wanted you to be aware.
  

• sadly, there is nothing you can do - other than appeal to your stbex to exercise discretion - to legally prevent DC meeting OW
  

• child support - if you go to CSA website you can estimate how much you would get if it goes through the courts. depending on your circumstances though it caps out at earnings of 140oz dollar a year. ie it goes up depending on shared care until one party earns 140k after which it doesn't (as they have stats saying it costs x to raise a child) - again, best to get a private arrangement if your ex earns more than this (and I have also added in a clause for flight back home to the UK for my son each year until he is 18 etc as I did not want to remain etc etc)
  

• asset split - varies but if you are main child carer and have had a reduced income/time out for children you can expect to get between around 65%-75% of marital assets
  

Again, sorry to be all business - and I don't mean to throw so much information at you when you must be hugely reeling - but I always think that to be forwarned is to be forarmed. It also points to the fact that it is generally better to use this period - if a split looks definate - to come to a private agreement that is drawn up by lawyers and lodged in court whilst you can capitalise on 'guilt'. In my instance ex turned overnight into a twat and was very very difficult about everything - more so as time went by so whilst you certainly don't want to rush into things, the sooner you get professional advise the better my love. I am in the Sydney area if you need any recommendations for lawyers or if you would like to PM me with any questions.

Huge love - I know what it feels like and I hope the above helps and doesn't scare you. I wish I had known some of these things when I was starting out on my legal journey as it all came as a bit of a shock! My ex also used the if you don't do this then I'll file for 50/50 custody as he knew that would kill me - certainly at the time - as DS only 2........

Hopefully yours will be more reasonable - it sounds like you are doing a great job at being calm and rationale and this will certainly work to your advantage when navigating it all.

Best of luck my love and don't hesitate to ask me any questions privately if you have any.

Dolly x

[romaloS]

Thanks SGB. I'm feeling pretty numb really but I hope you're right. DM will rip him to bits. He's very scared of her. She's very protective. I can't wait for them to be here and know they would get on the next flight but they are only allowed 3 months a year here and they want the sunshine!

My friend has just texted again checking on me. I think I'll tell her by text as that is easier for me and she wants to meet tomorrow so we could go to park and the children will just run about. It's really weird telling someone in real life.

[romaloS]

oh god - 50/50 custody he doesn't even know the children's teachers names! That really scares me the most tbh. I don't think he would do that though, I think he wants his shiney new life, relationship and deep down REALLY hope he wouldn't do that to me as it would just be spite and yesterday he told me he loved me .

Thanks for the info though. I will read again tomorrow when I've hopefully got some wits about me, meh.

[Downunderdolly]

Hey

Totally didn't mean to scare you - most people sort out what works for them privately (we do every other w/end and every other Thurs) but I just wanted you to be aware of the legal framework as when it happened to me my friends in UK offered very well meaning advise and it was a huge shock when I found out things worked differently!

A great thing over there though is that if you are a SAHM or work part time there is good support/benefit to help. Never having been in a 'system' before it tooks me months using savings etc before someone told me to call Centrelink - somewhere I never thought I would find myself - but they were LOVELY and explained all of the things I should do/register for (irrespective of how much child support is paid by ex). For example if you earn under a certain amount (and you can actually earn a reasonable amount in a part time job) you are entitled to a variable degree of single parent pension - if you have this you can get discounts on your utilities, travel, museums, tax breaks etc etc - essentially the same benefit as an old aged pensioner. I am now back to working but it really helped me in the transition period and helped give me the flexibility to care for my son and work part time. It may be worth making an appointment in the next few weeks my love.

Gosh back to being practical when all you need right now is a hug and a hold hand and a good night's sleep - but hopefully something you can read in a few weeks time if and when you need to address.

Good night lovely - you are doing extremely well x

[romaloS]

Thanks so much downunderdolly. I will certainly get in touch with centrelink. A friend who has recently separated from her H, due to different circumstances, mentioned that she's got lots of help from them so I'll def be on to that. Thanks.

I've just told my friend by text and she's offered to come straight round. Can't cope with that though just yet. It's a major milestone for me to admit to anyone what's been going on. Feels a bit more real now. Sure it will be feeling very real by the end of the week.

[quesadilla]

very very sorry. Sending you thoughts and love. And by the way, screw what other people think. No-one matters except you and your children.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm]

With Izzy AF and everyone else on this x

[birdofthenorth]

You sound lovely OP. I think you are getting the balance between grief, anger and practical planning just right -not that there's any right or wrong why to react to such an enormous trauma.

I am sending lots of hugs and will be think of you as you tell your poor DCs.

One day, one day, you will be happy again and extremely glad to be rid of this unfaithful git who does not deserve to be your partner.