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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I getting this all wrong? Can't see any red flags.

50 replies

MissJayTea · 01/10/2012 06:58

I've been reading lots of threads in the relationship section, including the one on 'red flags'.
I'm trying to look back to the early days with my H to see if there were any red flags that I ignored or missed but there is honestly nothing.
He never, ever loses his temper. I can scream and shout, even throw things and he stays very calm and controlled. He never breaks things or destroys my belongings. He makes huge efforts with my family and friends. They all think he is really nice, one of the good guys.
He doesn't control my money, or restrict what I do.
He is never jealous, to the point where it's a bit weird.
Even my cpn thinks he is perfect. He has actually described us as the perfect little family.

But he assaulted me when I slept and even took photos.

I now I found thd courage to end it I find myself estrange from my family and I've lost contact with my friends.

And he won't fucking go away. He keeps coming round to 'see the kids' but he'll start making a meal or doing the dishes.

It's like he's trying to make himself Indispensable.

He talks and acts like we are still a family.

There's lots of other little things too and it's really messing with my head. I'm starting to doubt myself. Did I over react to things?

Plus people who know we've separated keep going on about how bloody nice he is. And I can't tell them what he really did. I've really struggled with poor mental health over the past 3 years and my sister has actually intimated that she thinks the reason I've ended my marriage is because I'm having another break down :(

I don't know what I'm doing.

OP posts:

Original poster

MissJayTea · 01/10/2012 12:12

I've texted him and told him to stay away from the house. Going to phone solicitors after lunch.

OP posts:

leguminous · 01/10/2012 12:49

The acting like you're still a family/doing dishes etc. is just one more symptom of his total disregard for other people's boundaries. This is not a nice man, not one little bit.

alienreflux · 01/10/2012 13:03

missjaytea you are doing AMAZING, you are so much stronger than you think you are, how many women on here can't even get the bastard out of the house? you've done that and then some to protect your children god knows what he would do to your Dd given the chance. So well done, now keep going, bollocks to anyone close that doesn't believe you, they will ,in time. But the profesionals will now. try womens aid again, and get on to your GP and CPN, how they can prescribe over the phone to someone else for you is beyond me anyway!! keep posting, you're doing great xx

alienreflux · 01/10/2012 19:47

hey missjaytea just checking in before i log out for the night, hope you're ok, and not getting stressed, thinking of you :)

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 01/10/2012 20:38

Hello missjaytea I don't have any advice to add, but I wanted to say that I believe you. You sound like a great mum. xx

Original poster

MissJayTea · 01/10/2012 22:41

Hi all. Had a really big cry and feel much better for it.

I am seeing a solicitor next week and I've book an appointment to see my GP. I've also referred myself to home start. A lady is coming out to see me.

H is going to clear all his stuff out over the weekend. I could really do with getting away with the dc while he's here. Anybody know of any cheap hotels or caravans parks in the northwest?

OP posts:

Original poster

MissJayTea · 01/10/2012 22:42

And thank you for believing me x

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CaliforniaLeaving · 02/10/2012 04:44

Is there anyone you can have in the house when he comes to get stuff?
Make sure to take any papers birth certificates, passports or other important stuff and either take it with you or stash it where he won't get it (a friends) so he doesn't take stuff you will need and try to make you think you have lost it.
Not sure I'd trust him alone in the house.

cozietoesie · 02/10/2012 08:44

You're doing really well, MissJayTea. Really well.

Like CaliforniaLeaving, though, I'm a little concerned about the weekend. I wouldn't care to leave him alone in the house, either - who knows what you'd come home to. Or you might come home to him still being there! I think there are good odds that if you go away for the weekend, at the least you'll find that he doesn't move out half his stuff and has to come back for the rest. (You said yourself that he comes to 'see the kids' and then stays to wash up and make a meal; so he might be seeing this move out as another opportunity to 'reel you back in'.)

And you're implying that he still has keys?

My thoughts would be - and feel free to reject them.

Get the locks changed right away.

Arrange for the DC to be away for the weekend if you can find a place or a friend to give them a wee holiday. They don't need to see any squabbles or Mom being upset.

Pack up his stuff beforehand (although I don't know how much he has) and put it in the hall or in a pile in the sitting room or somewhere. You can get heavy duty refuse bags from the supermarket for clothes and soft things and local shops should be able to give you free boxes for the asking for the rest. (Or neighbours are really likely to have spare cardboard boxes lying around in garages or lofts and are probably glad to get rid of them.)

I think the last one is important. Not only will it be good for you - getting his stuff out of your life yourself - but it dramatically shortens the time he'll be in the house and also minimizes the possibility of him doing the old 'Do you remember when we bough this CD/DVD/Thingie ....?' and trying to play on your sentiments. Which would cause you more stress even though you're feeling stronger now. You could label the boxes and bags with a post-it describing contents if you want.

As California said, try and find someone to be with you when he comes if you're there. My guess would be that he'll slither about time of arrival and probably try to tell you he'll come at some awful hour of the evening (hoping to be able to spend the night) but remember: you're in control now. He should come only when you say he can.

Good luck - and keep posting. There will likely be someone here on the board at most times over the weekend if you need to yell!

Lueji · 02/10/2012 09:17

I fully agree.

He doesn't need the weekend.

Just change locks, then pack his stuff and give it to him when he pops in.
Or leave outside when it's time for him to arrive.

Big things you can tell him that you'll pack later.

In any case, get someone to be there with you.

Original poster

MissJayTea · 02/10/2012 09:22

I can't afford to get the locks changed but I rent from the council and I was thinking that if I explain the situation to them they might change the locks for me.

There is nobody who can be here when he comes but Im sure the kids can sleep at their friends for the weekend. My older two are teenagers. I also know a lady from the toddler group that dc3 and i go to who I told about me seperating from h, although I didn't mention the abuse, she did offer to watch dd if ever needed to go to any appointments. If I ask her I'm sure she'll hep.

I'm definately going to box things up. I think I'll quite enjoying doing that anyway. There are only one or two big items he is taking.

I feel sick and happy at the same time. Even just over these past few weeks of looking after the dc on my own my belief in myself has improved.

I actually have somebody from home start coming out this afternoon. How much should I tell her? I'm aware there more about the kids rather than the adults. Also I'm terrified of being referred to ss.

OP posts:

Original poster

MissJayTea · 02/10/2012 09:24

Going to phone WA now.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 02/10/2012 09:31

If the council won't change the locks, see if you can find someone (a friend or acquaintance/neighbour - ask around) who is 'handy'. A Yale lock barrel can be bought very cheaply and fitted pretty easily and at a fraction of the cost of a locksmith.

Good news that you can likely get the DC out of the house for the weekend. I'd go for it.

On the Home Start - I'm afraid I've not had that many dealings with them. Someone else might be able to advise you better.

Keep going.

QuietNinjaTardis · 02/10/2012 09:33

You brave lady. He sounds like a vile excuse for a human being. And if we believe you, why wouldn't others? Do you have a close friend or family member that you could talk to first? Someone supportive?

DameFanny · 02/10/2012 09:44

Wow, this guy is stone cold. I really hope you get the help you need from WA. Can you also see your gp and explain what's going on? Write it down - or print this thread - if you think you might seize up and not be able to explain properly?

This creep has deliberately messed with your head so you're going to feel unsure about yourself and other people for a while - but try not to worry about that. Focus on keeping your children safe - that's almost atoll that matters, because if you're taking steps to protect them from him you're also protecting yourself.

Take any help you can get, and lean on WA as much as you can - they've seen it before and can help when you wobble.

Sending you wishes for strength and safety.

PosieParker · 02/10/2012 09:46

It sounds like gaslighting, google it.

And unMN ((((hugs)))) to you. You must think you're going mad.

AnastasiaSteele · 02/10/2012 09:52

Just to add another post to cheerlead you on to do this. Vile, vile man. Stay strong.

AnyFucker · 02/10/2012 10:56

SS are not interested in a household where positive steps are being taken to protect the DC, so you can rest assured that any support you ask for will not work against you, love

bonnieslilsister · 02/10/2012 11:06

Stay strong, it will be definately worth it in the long run to cheer your heart

crappypatty · 02/10/2012 11:30

re: Home Start. They are there to support you and your children. They will have had training on sign posting so will be able to advise of other organisations that can help. Whatever you disclose to HS will be confidential, other than if were there was risk to children, just like any other organisation.

If and it is a big if, they felt ss needed to be involved they wouldn't do it behind your back. It would be discussed with you. However nothing you have wrote about indicates a need for ss, you are caring for your children and have removed yourself from an abusive situation.

hth

butterflyroom · 02/10/2012 11:38

Forget doubts. Forget red flags. The moment he said he had innappropriate thoughts towards your DD is an absolute dealbreaker.

butterflyroom · 02/10/2012 11:39

Hope you can find peace and happiness away from this creep xxx

piratecat · 02/10/2012 11:58

wow, you've done so well and put your thoughts in to positive actions in such a short time. You've got the fire in you woman.

I think you should tell them what you've told us. the photo's and the fear for your child after what he said.

mummytime · 02/10/2012 12:10

SS may well be your friend in these circumstances. If they hear the comment he made about your DD they will support you in keeping her away from him, except possible supervised contact.
It is much cheaper to keep kids with parents than anything else, and if a parent is endeavouring to safeguard their children SS will support that.

cestlavielife · 02/10/2012 12:17

tell Ss and home start everything; and focus on the fact you need help to keep your DC safe by keeping him out of your home and your life; and that you need help in arranging supervised contact.

if you can get yourself seom counselling to proess all this you will probably remember a lot more flags. i presume the assault is logged with police as there are photos ?

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