I appear to have zero confidence with men.

[FrankieMyDearIDontGiveADamn]

Despite being in counselling, which has helped me improve lots of areas in my life, I am, just one basic big mess where any thought of a relationship is concerned.

I actually had a date last night, and to be be honest, I am pretty sure it would never have amounted to much one way or another.
But it was absolutely terrible. My anxiety and panic was so much through the roof that he pretty well spent the evening having to coax me through a couple of hours of barely being able to speak... FFS
He was really lovely about it and couldn't have been more patient, kind and understanding.. but we both knew we were supposed to be on a date not a therapy session.
I have had a beautiful e mail from him which has made me cry buckets...

If I communicate through text or e mail, I am confident, chatty witty and all the things I want to be, but in person, it was crap. He gently joked at one point that we should sit in separate rooms and chat by text!

I know why I am like this, but feel so trapped and sad......

Sounds like you've found a rare gem in him and he's obviously very taken with you

So take him at his word. Carry on your witty exchanges by text/email and arrange for your next to be at a noisy venue where you can carry on your exchanges by etc etc

Out of curiousity, why are you are you like you are and do you have expectation that there'll come a time when you won't feel so trapped and sad?

History of abuse

I thought after a very long time in counselling I might have reached a point where I could at least manage a date.
So I suppose I had an expectation.. but it was really, truly awful.

Mostly in RL I avoid contact with men (and I know that is unfair as they are not all tarred by the same brush as the ones that have treated me badly), to the point that I very rarely even make eye contact.

This is going to sound so bad, but I get a lot of attention, and it often feels like somehow, being reserved and 'shy' makes some men. more determined.

Someone from my past has re surfaced in my life (a family member I had pretty well severed contact with) and I am actually a wreck.
For very complicated reasons, I am tied to having an association with them again and I feel I have lost control.

I am trying to deal with it but I have barely eaten for nearly a fortnight now, I feel so sick.

If the 'someone from your past' who has resurfaced in your life is in any way negatively connected with, or perpetrated, the abuse you suffered, no matter how complicated the reasons why you are 'tied', you must end your association with them... preferably yesterday.

xx thanks

Please don't run away, Frankie

You posted in the early hours when few were around but there are many who have overcome childhoods and difficulties such as the ones you've experinced/are experiencing and I hope that some will be to help you move forward with greater confidence.

Many men are attracted to what they perceive to be shy and retiring women but, unfortunately, among those men are some who hone in on vulnerable women for dishonourable reasons.

Once you begin to give off the 'self-confidence vibe' you will be at less risk of exploitation and, although last night's date didn't go as you hoped, given time/further counselling there's every reason to expect that you will be able to converse with men in rl as proficiently as you do by text/email.

I guess running away is what I do best izzy . I could walk 10 feet tall through the centre of a busy city, and feel confident and self assured, but the closer I get to people, the worse it gets. There are 'safe' men in my life that I feel comfortable with, but generally, they are ones who have used no sexual overtones, or innuendo.

So from a distance, the idea of a date was brilliant. All the things I could be in my head,

The other issues are complicated....
And i truly can not discuss them on a public forum.

I even find keeping my own threads difficult to keep going as i get self conscious about getting attention
So thank you... (( )) i would have run away, when in truth, i am not in such a good place. Have skilled back into my cave now, so will leave well alone and chalk the other night as experience. And at least he was kind