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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I getting worked up and suspicious over nothing? Please advise...

23 replies

rosetree · 30/09/2012 19:33

DP and I have been together for about 3 years. No DC. He has a hobby, takes it quite seriously, goes to national and international events/competitions a few times a year.

I know that the last person he was involved with before me was a particular girl who does the same hobby and who he used to see sometimes at these international events. They got together at one of them, and met up again once more after that. But because they live in different countries, it never really went anywhere. This was a couple of months before DP and I met and got together.

(BTW I worked that all out from bits of what DP said plus other snippets of info from friends/FB. Originally when DP mentioned to me early on how he had visited this girl, he told me it had been a visit to a "friend", I later worked out it was actually more of a booty trip)

I knew that they still chatted on facebook over the years, particularly about the hobby, and I thought that was fair enough. DP was fairly open about it.

Not too long ago he left his FB private message page open on his laptop. I noticed a conversation thread with this girl from a while back, and the first line (visible) was enough to make me feel insecure and suspicious. I opened the whole conversation. It was a bit soppy on both sides, reminiscing about the "special, amazing" time they had together - but clearly the time before DP and I met. I didn't like it, but then again there was nothing actually there like "I wish we could do it again" or anything. So I put it out of my mind, and I felt guilty for having opened the thread.

Anyway, now DP has again left his laptop open on the central message page thing, and there is another, much newer conversation thread with this girl. The first line references an international event for this hobby that is coming up soon and the fact that they will both be going. I am dying to open the rest of the conversation, but I haven't.

But I feel uneasy suddenly. Like it would be so easy for him to do something with her while he is there, completely away from me and anyone I know. I know he loves me and wants to be with me, but I think that part of him wouldn't think it was that wrong to sleep with someone as a one off if I never found out, in a context completely removed from our day to day life.

And this girl is stunningly beautiful going from her FB photos. And they obviously see themselves as having had a special connection that was basically only thwarted by geography, not incompatibility.

I am dying to open this message thread, to see if there is anything that might confirm my half-formed suspicions about what they might both be thinking of doing. But I know that I shouldn't and that it would be wrong. And where would it end if I find nothing? Should I talk to DP about what I'm feeling? Or should I do nothing and am I being ridiculously disrespectful of his privacy and getting worked up over nothing?

Argh, somebody advise me! WWYD?

OP posts:

VBisme · 30/09/2012 19:35

Open it, I would.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/09/2012 19:41

Don't go opening more mail. What you've seen is enough to ask the question 'when were you going to tell me that was going to be with you at the international event?' If you feel uneasy about this woman, it's for a reason.

GoldShip · 30/09/2012 19:41

I would open it.

Schlock · 30/09/2012 19:44

I would probably open it then beat myself up by feeling guilty.

I think if there were anything untoward in the conversation he wouldn't have left his page open.

Pochemuchka · 30/09/2012 19:49

Open it.
I would want to know for myself before I acted.

Then if you find nothing talk to him about your insecurities about this woman so he can continue to reassure you and be open with you and if you find something, well your response is up to you.

NeedaWee · 30/09/2012 19:50

why dont you go with him to this thing

but then if you dont trust him, whats the point. If someone is going to have an affair, they will do

Original poster

rosetree · 30/09/2012 19:51

Oh god, I just don't know...it's SO tempting, but I don't know what good could actually come of it. I'm unlikely to read a eulogy about the wonders of me...

Cogito (love your username) - I think if I said something like that, he would laugh it off TBH and pretend to not see the problem. I suppose I'd really have to get into the whole thing of my insecurity in relation to this specific situation, but then I don't want to go making mountains if only molehills exist...

OP posts:

akaemmafrost · 30/09/2012 19:53

I'd open it and I wouldn't feel guilty .

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/09/2012 19:54

How about going with him to these conventions?

Original poster

rosetree · 30/09/2012 20:01

I have never thus far wanted to go to these events because it would involve sitting on the sidelines for three days watching other people do an activity that I am not massively interested in. It would be nice to see DP do it, but that would only be like 2% or something of the whole trip.

But...that has given me an idea. Maybe I could suggest me coming to this one, and see how he reacts. Hmm.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/09/2012 20:04

Exactly. If he uses his trips for anything other than his hobby then he'll try to talk you out of it... If not, I'm sure you can find other things to do and meet up with him in the evenings.

Doha · 30/09/2012 20:10

just read the bloody thing.
That's one quick sure way of putting your mind to rest

Mypopcornface · 30/09/2012 20:23

I would not be able to NOT OPEN the FB conversation, well done you, you can control yourself.
Things about you story that pop in my mind are, in no particular order:

he might be leaving his FB page open unconsciously...in case he is having an emotional affair with her....deep inside in his mind he wants you to finish with him, so e can go and be with her
I don't understand why there has always been such secrecy about this girl? Is there secrecy about all his other exes too? Maybe he really do think he has a special connection with her...

If you decide not to read his FB chat go tell him you would like to go this timeand see his response If still not convinced get there by surprise....

Just tel hm what happended, explain how you feel and take from there...but than you might put ideas in his head if he is completely innocent...

Original poster

rosetree · 30/09/2012 20:39

Well he has come back and is on his laptop so the moment has passed. And of course I'm now feeling like I should have opened it...

Will wait for an opportune moment to suggest going to the event thing. Even though I don't actually want to go except for this one reason...

OP posts:

geegee888 · 30/09/2012 20:45

I would have opened it. On the basis that I do a sport and there is always more of a connection between members of that sport than those who have non-sporting partners. I maybe have't put it that well, what I mean is she has a distinct advantage and his behaviour doesn't suggest he doesn't see her as in some way being special. I'd be really, really suspicious, although from the sound of it, it won't go anywhere long term due to geography.

Is it not a thing you would go along to spectate at/for the trip? Do you show much interest in DP's hobby?

MsKayGee · 30/09/2012 20:49

He had a one or two night stand with the girl. It didn't work out with them. He met you. He didn't tell you about her, or told you very little about her, because there was nothing really to tell. He's stayed in touch with her and is open about that. He leaves his laptop around still logged into Facebook. The messages that you saw didn't indicate that there's anything going on between them.

I really don't think you need to worry.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2012 20:50

what is this "hobby" ?

You should have read the rest of the convo, tbh. You had already "snooped" so why not go in for a penny, in for a pound.

The trouble is, once you start snooping, it's effectively game over tbh

And you are no further on this evening. You could just outright ask him if she is going, and see what he says. If he says no, then you have your answer. If he says yes, then the dialogue is open. However, I get the impression you will chicken out from putting your foot down, because for some reason you unconsciously already know this "hobby" is more important to him than you are

MissHuffy · 30/09/2012 21:01

Why don't you just tell him that you saw it and ask him about it?

garlicnutty · 30/09/2012 21:24

I don't want to agree with AF's post as it's very harsh, rosetree, and you sound so sweet! But I do.

Lots of people have partners whose hobbies rival their relationship. Think of all the golf widows angrily scrubbing the kitchen worktops on yet another husband-and-father-less weekend! It never goes well, though it can work if you've got an equally consuming hobby of your own.

But ... What geegee said about sporting partners. If you're concrned about this girl (with reason, I feel) then you'll always be concerned about the women involved in his sport.

Ask him. Whatever response you get, snoop the next time he leaves it open. Hope it all goes well for you.

Original poster

rosetree · 30/09/2012 22:56

It's not the hobby itself that is the issue. It's a sport, he does it two evenings per week plus maybe two or three weekends a year. I also have an activity that I do two nights per week. I think it's good to have an activity like this outside of work, and I don't begrudge the time he spends doing it. He doesn't socialise with people from this sport, or at least very rarely. I don't feel threatened by it or think he puts it before me. I'm not going to ask him not to go to this event, because he's been training really hard for it.

I have been to see him do some stuff locally a few times, I do show an interest and we chat about it, he shows me stuff he has learnt etc etc.

It's more incidental, the fact that this sport is going to throw him together with this old flame, certainly in this upcoming event, and quite probably again in the future.

MsKayGee - thank you, that is exactly what I want to believe but all these suspicions keep flooding in anyway.

Needawee, your post rings very true. If someone is going to have an affair, they will do. In a way, what I say or don't say to DP now doesn't matter, unless it helps me to feel I definitely can or definitely can't trust him. It's not about persuading him not to cheat or trying to eradicate the opportunity to cheat, if thats what he was thinking about doing. It comes down to trust.

TBH, this is my first major relationship and it is the first time I have encountered this whole trust thing. I think I am naturally a cynical person, and while I have a lot of trust in DP I guess the fact that I am suddenly doubting him now shows that I don't trust him 100%. This may be a stupid question, but do most people in committed relationships absolutely trust each other 100% and not even entertain a suspicion of the possibility of wrongdoing? Is this trust a natural thing that you either feel or you don't, or do you have to build it up somehow? How is it even possible when we're all human and all fallible? When we see how many people promise never to cheat, and then do anyway? For every person I know in a happy relationship, I can think of another who has either cheated or been cheated on...

OP posts:

InfinityWelcomesCarefulDrivers · 30/09/2012 23:03

hmm...good questions. I think the whole trust thing is very similar to the soul mates one. Do you trust your partner because you believe you have both worked to biuld a relationship based on trust and have worked on being honest with each other? Or do you trust each other because that's what people who really love each other do and love will protect you from all? (rhetorical questions btw). So I think you will get a variety of answers.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2012 23:07

I have been married for 18 years(to someone I consider to be a Good Guy), but I don't trust anyone 100%

not even myself

Smeghead · 30/09/2012 23:20

I am the same as AF.

I am very very cynical, so trust has always been hard for me.

I would ask to go to this event and see what his reaction is. Then, if you go, make sure you befriend this woman. She is probably "not real" to him, in that it didnt happen but could have done and there are lots of "what if's". I have someone in my past like that, but suddenly he was less "Mr Darcy" when he spent an evening getting pissed with my H!

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