Epiphany!! he's doing it on purpose!! but why??

[Epiphanic]

Ever since I met DP he has 90% been great and optimistic about our future but 10% of the time he'd chuck in a bit of negativity such as "oh it's all moving a bit fast" or "I don't want to tell too many people about us incase it doesn't work out" etc etc

This really made me paranoid and insecure. I'd be all loved up and happy and then he'd say something to suggest that actually - we wasn't going to last.

I spoke to him about it, told him how it made me feel. He saw how it made me feel. He saw how it started eating me up not knowing what was going on and he would reassure me that we were fine, he was just a natural born worrier. But it made ME worry constantly.

Anyway - moving on - this weekend we're sat in a pub, had a few to drink and he said "ooo it's all moving a bit fast isn't it? it's scary really, it's all happening too soon isn't it?" and a lightblub flicked on in my head. He was watching me for a reaction - I saw it for the first time, body language - he was doing it on purpose. For this reason I just shrugged and said "maybe, what will be will be, not going to stress myself over it, life is too short!" and he seemed REALLY shocked by this. He followed it up with "oh, I should really arrange for you to meet my mum - but it's too soon isn't it, I mean, I don't know you THAT well, it could all end next week". Now this pissed me off because I've just let him meet my kids and he says he doesn't know me well enough to let me meet his mother??? but I could literally see he was doing it on purpose, looking for a reaction. So again I shrugged and said "yeah well, I'll leave that with you, whatever!" and smiled. He seemed confused and then started going on about how we should seriously consider living together next year.

So, I'm right arn't I - he's doing the whole "negative vibes" on purpose isn't he? does he enjoy my insecurity? why else would he do it??

Or have I got it wrong and he genuinely does question us being together? but if this is the case, why the follow up conversation about living together?

Are there any other red flags? Anyone that treats the relationship like a game and their partner's emotions as something to be toyed with needs a wide berth. My fuckwit as we call Them on the EA threads does this - its his favourite past time. If you have self esteem and respect, youll run. Fast.

why is he doing it?. Because he can and he wants you to react. Its a power and control issue this, he likes keeping you on the back foot and wrong footing you.

I agree with this. But my gut feeling is that it stems from insecurity more than anything else. Seems quite telling that he looks a bit panicked when he doesn't get the reaction he wants, and he will move on to talking about things like moving in. It's contrary.

It helps to look at what people do, rather than what they say. From what you say (wants you to move in, will put up most of the money, will move to suit your kids) I think he is really into you. But he feels uncomfortable with that, so he wants to keep his powder dry.

Agree it's really annoying, and it's screwing things up. But your recent response to this needling - being casual, not letting him get a rise - seems to be working.

It's all very well people telling you not to play games, or respond to others' but relationships are rarely 100% open and straightforward right from go.

Equally, if you can't tolerate this, get rid. Insecurity is very wearing to live with.

This might be an unpopular view but perhaps he's quite insecure so is looking for reassurance from you by saying these things rather than just saying how he feels.

He could really like you but be worried he'll look silly if he's eager and then gets let down - maybe he's been hurt in the past when he was more honest about his feelings.

I'm not saying he's doing a good job of asking for reassurance (people are often scared of seeming needy or desperate) but I think it's worth considering that he might not be pure evil?

I would agree that trying the cheerful, calm not rising to it approach is worth doing for a while, to see what he then does. If he gets over himself and stops the constant needling, then maybe he's a keeper. If he ramps it up eg dumps you then bombards you with flowers and apologies the next day, kick his sorry arse into next week because that would be a strong indication that he's determined to keep you insecure and feeling as though he's the one with the final verdict on whether or not the relationship lasts.

I just couldn't be arsed, tbh

I can think of more fulfilling hobbies than game-playing with an inadequate fuckwit like this