Is my husband controlling, or am I childish and passive aggressive?

[HecateHarshPants]

please be honest, (but not too mean, eh? )

examples.

He decides to stop drinking tea and coffee. Feels great. Decides that I would feel wonderful if I stopped drinking tea and coffee. Goes on about it so much that I say oh FINE! ok. I'll stop drinking tea and coffee. I then just drink it behind his back and pretend I've stopped.

When we met, I was a smoker. We've been together 14 years and he thinks I stopped when we met. Cos he hated it. Nope. Apart from when I was pregnant, bf and the odd gaps of a year or two here and there, I puff on them. I can go days or weeks and then when I want to, I'll buy a pack and smoke the lot. I keep strong mouthwash and body spray in the car.

He goes through vitamin fads. He decides that we all must have this vitamin or that mineral, because it will be so good for us. Currently it's calcium. I don't see the benefit of taking all these suppliments and I've told him, but he goes on and on so I say oh FINE! ok then, if you'll shut up. Then I put them under my tongue and throw them in the bin.

He thinks he knows what's best for me all the time and he goes on and on and on until I give in because I just want him to shut the hell up. BUT. These are always things that he is convinced will help me to be happier/healthier and he's really enthusiastic about how much good they'll do me.

I can and do say I'm not interested. I'm not afraid of him. But I can't stand him in my face and it's easier to pretend to go along with it because he just won't shut up.

I could just actually go along with it. But I am so pissed off because I cannot tolerate what I feel is being told what to do, that I spit out pills, drink coffee on the sly, etc, like a secret two fingers up.

So. What's your view?

Criticism fine, personal abuse will probably make me cry

Maybe google pathological demand avoidance syndrome and see if it strikes any cords?

Sasha baron Cohen I did wonder.

bloody hell. that's very me.

Ok, a couple of things strike me.

1. He makes decisions

1. You give in to keep the peace

1. You are living a lie (just a little one but a lie all the same)

I don't think it is a healthy way to live.

He is a bit controlling, because he is making decisions for you, and you have to argue a LOT to change his mind. Which means that on things that seem like too much effort, you give in. And that is not good.

You are an adult. You are responsible for your own health. Smoking is proven to be unhealthy so I can understand that, but taking vitamins and cutting out tea and coffee are borderline - if you are eating a healthy balanced diet you don't need vitamin supplements, and if you are not drinking 10 cups of coffee a day then you are ok there too.

He may be doing this out of worry for your health, but it is still not his decision to make.

I am also concerned at the subterfuge - you are hiding your real self from him, and that is not good.

You need to sit down and have an honest chat with him. Tell him that you understand that he is acting out of love to you, but you don't want to hide your coffee drinking or smoking from him.

He sounds extremely like my dad - faddish, evangelical, always right, but basically very very kind. My dad will do anything for you, especially if you're ill, but can then come across very mean in conversations when he doesn't seem to see your point of view or starts lecturing about his latest huge discovery.

Just out of interest, is he terrible with presents? And slightly tactless, but balanced with incredible compliments?

How does he take jibes and joking criticism?

Good points, mme. I hide my real self from everyone, but that's a whole other story

he's good with presents. He knows what suits me. He will tell me when clothes don't suit me, or make up doesn't. He's very honest. None of that 'no your bum doesn't look big in that' stuff.

He isn't tactless so much as honest. compliments? well, despite the fact that I have a face like a bulldog sucking piss off a nettle, his nickname for me is 'Gorgeousness'

jibes and criticism dressed as jokes - no. He will insist on discussing what is meant.

actual jokes - yes.

If you had to live on your own for two weeks without him, no contact at all, how do you think it would go?

Nothing much to add, except I really, really like the sound of you two but you should not be living a lie to keep the peace.

You should be free to completely be yourself within your relationship, because you WILL get fed up in the end.

yeah, we're close to a comedy double act

cailin - I don't think I'd cope. When he's not there, my anxiety levels go through the roof. I get more weird. and more likely to say inappropriate things.

I think that you might be slightly too reliant on him, and his way of wrapping you up in cotton wool enables that.

And feeds your anxiety.

Hope this isn't being too harsh. I think he is doing it out of concern for you, not to 'control' you in a nasty sense. But he is stopping you spreading your wings.

Is your DH my mum? :)

My mum leaps on every passing bandwagon, and insists that we MUST also dry body brush/ take fish oil/ eat organic/ shut down our bank accounts because of politically dodgy practices etc etc ad fucking nauseum.

Mostly I just agree, and carry on as normal. But its easier for me I suppose as I don't live with my mum. If it was DP standing over me, questioning my choice of dinner as I was eating etc, I'd lose the plot.

The only saving grace is that they mean well.

I think the 'problem' starts when you say 'FINE' and pretend to give in to keep the peace.

Each time you do this you are validating his behaviour. He thinks, see, I was right all along, I knew she'd see sense if I kept at it.

You are giving him the opposite message of what you want him to hear!

Next time, instead of just saying no thanks, not for me, tell him that you don't want to do it and you don't want him to keeping trying to persuade you. Tell him he that when he does that he is treating you like a child and you don't like it. He is not your father, he is your equal and he should respect your wishes.

My DH is also my carer and I think that when that is the case the lines can sometimes get a little bit blurred. His job is to look after me (and the dc) and he takes that really seriously, sometimes a little bit too much and I have to tell him that yes he's trying to look after me (make sure I've eaten, make sure I've drunk enough, make sure I'm using my wheelchair enough because I'm stubborn and I hate using it!) but I am still an adult and I can still make my own mind up

To me it does sound like he does these things out of genuine concern but I think the way he goes about it is a little bit bullying, you shouldn't feel you have to lie to him for a quiet life, would he be very upset if he found out about all the sneaking around that you do?

I think the 'fault' if any is from both sides, he for nagging you into submission and you for lieing and going along with things, but really I think it's not a huge problem but just a pattern you have fallen into. From your point of view it's sometime he does often from his point of view it's not a problem because by giving in each time you are reinforcing that he is right all the time, why would he stop when every time he's done it you've (pretended) to do it and so he must think he's really helping you. It's like giving in to a toddlers tantrums, it works so they keep doing it

Next time something comes up just try the broken record approach 'DH I know you're saying this because you care so much about me but I don't want to go along with it' maybe explaining too that you are upset that he's treating you like a child rather than a loving equal partner

Or what fairenuff said

Hi Hecate

What would dh do if he discovered you were secretly smoking/drinking coffee?

I have found my dh secretly smoking before after I thought he'd given up and I felt betrayed - and really, really stupid (God I hate feeling stupid). I didn't nag him to give up though so big difference there.

I'm very sorry to hear about your bullying experiences x

He'd be Disappointed. He'd forgive me, but he'd feel Terribly, Terribly Let Down.

Capitals required.

Yes, I really should do broken record and be honest, but I just can't stand the harping on. I can do out and out grrrr confrontation - as the taxi driver who got in my face and the van driver who decided he had the right to cut me up and then lecture ME about my supposed failings both realised, as I gave it to them both barrels until they were backing away in horror and the fact my husband offers me his wrist so I can draw the blood I obviously need

But for some reason, nagging or telling me what to do results in apparent compliance but sneaky 'screw you'

I can understand why you'd go along with it for a quiet life, especially when his heart is in the right place, but you obviously resent it or you wouldn't have posted asking if he was controlling

If you really don't mind it then you could just carry on as you are, you obviously have a strong marriage and seem happy together, if this isn't a big deal to you then don't over think it

But if you do mind it and you feel controlled the only way through it is to tell him every time he does it, you can't really blame him for it if your seeming to be happy to comply, and if I'm honest I do think the sneaking around is a pretty bad thing to do. Obviously I understand why you do it and a lot of it is because of the way he nags but in a marriage being dishonest is one of the worst things you can do because once one partner loses that sense of trust the whole thing can feel shaky

Also over time you could end up feeling so resentful from bottling it up that you could end up exploding over it and that could lead to a lot of fall out

It's hard to break the status quo in a long term relationship but it can be done, or as I said you could choose to just let it go, you know your relationship best

Oh I don't know. I don't see anything so bad about keeping the peace, especially if you're not unhappy. If you're unhappy then be upfront and have the argument. I did write to my husband to say "this is where all the problems are" and that resolved lots of big stuff but little things just don't matter as much. So is this big enough for you to bring it out into the open? Oncwe you do that you are of course going to have to give up smoking and coffee .

My mum goes along with what people say for a quiet life and then goes off and does what she wants anyway. It's really wearing and it means I can't trust her to respect my wishes when it comes to things such as looking after ds because I don't know if she's saying yes because she agrees with me or yes to shut me up.

I think she does this in response to my dad who is controlling and abusive. He always has to be right (even when he's patently wrong) and can get very angry and nasty when you don't agree with him.

Perhaps your dh is a benign dictator but both yours and your dhs behaviour has consequences in the wider world too I think, thinking about my mum and dad.

Presumably your dh chose to marry outside his culture and live in another one where women are in theory equals, so I don't think you should dismiss it as a cultural thing. Looking after you doesn't give him the right to dictate how you live your life. You are an adult and if you want to smoke then you can, drink coffee then you can, eat chocolate for breakfast then you can. As an adult you take the consequences of those decisions too.

Is it just health or other areas of life too? Such as what you wear, where you go, who you are friends with, what job you do or don't do, decisions about the kids?

More good points. Thank you again for the perspective! I do now feel what I am, regarding this issue, is childish and clearly I need to sort it out.

I wouldn't say he controls as in forbids, but he is very helpful and honest when he feels something doesn't suit me and if he says it doesn't, then I will give it to my sister . He also chose the perfect foundation shade for me. Far better than the one I was using. Git.

If I do tell him to go boil his head, there's no problem with that. He'll just laugh and give me a hug and be fine. God, I sound worse and worse, don't I

He also tells me straight when I am being a cow and makes me laugh at myself.

I think possibly I am the controlling one thinking about it. Everything's about winning and losing.

ok. forget I started this. I am clearly very unreasonable.

As you were, and all that.

Hmmm you tied that one up very neatly, Hectate, and almost relished blaming yourself.

I do actually think some of the things he does are controlling. They certainly step over my personal boundaries.

Of course the waters are muddied by you being somewhere on the spectrum.

Anyway, look you don't sound 'worse and worse' and if anything you sound too reasonable, rather than unreasonable.

I'm sure you're not easy to live with - a huge majority of people aren't!

But it's like your instinct is telling you something about your relationship/your dh. But you want to quash that, and coming on here (and possibly down playing your feelings about this?) and 'discovering' all of this to be your fault is far easier than facing up to problems in your marriage.

I don't think I am relishing blaming myself (although I do love taking the big stick to myself. I think it's a confidence thing.) I am just trying to be balanced, fair and reasonable and see it from the outside. to see it as others see it. It's hard to do it when you're in it but somehow reading it removes it from me and I can see my faults, iyswim. things are far harder to process in rl than in writing. If that makes any sense.

But then, OTOH, maybe I am. My default setting has always been to look at the ways in which something can be my fault. And to overanalyse everything. And there is a great deal of sense in your suggestion that making it my fault means not having to look further. something has to be someone's fault. Someone has to be responsible. I am not good with shades of grey, if I am being honest. I don't know. I am not good with actual feelings. I am good with writing about feelings. I am good with describing feelings, but I am not good with experiencing them. Bonkers, really.

If my dh forbid me to do something I'd tell him to fuck off! Another adult doesn't get to forbid another adult from doing something. That's ridiculous.

So what if he chose the perfect foundation for you? There's 100s of shades and formulas out there, there might be an even better one out there for you. But why is he choosing what you put on your face anyway? Did you ask him for help?

I really do fail to see how a man would be better at choosing makeup he doesn't ever wear (assuming he doesn't wear foundation) than a woman who wears it regularly. So I think either you are telling yourself he is better at this than he is, it's a fluke, you're telling yourself you're worse at choosing foundation than you are, the first bottle of foundation you just grabbed off a shelf as you didn't trust yourself to make a good judgement or the foundation he picked is dramatically more expensive than the foundation you would normally buy for you and that's why it is a better colour.

If you were my mum for example it would be that you didn't trust your own judgement and that dad bought a very expensive product that mum wouldn't as she wouldn't dare spend that kind of money on herself. If you were me it would be a fluke as dh knows nowt about makeup and I already use an expensive product that really suits me :)

I agree with Proud.

Stop looking at yourself as the one to blame. He shares responsibility for your partner dynamic. It isn't black and white - he is to blame, or you. You can both be at fault.

You were ready to be told that you were being unreasonable, almost eager for it. As if you had already doled out the roles that you and your DH play, and just needed it confirmed.

Take control back - gently but firmly. It doesn't have to be all at once, you can build up to it.

Start with little things. Make a cup of tea when you want one. When he has argued with you for three or four days and seen that you will drink tea when you want to, he will let it go.