How important are romantic gestures?

[NoWaterAfterMidnight]

I will try to make this as short as possible. Have namechanged cause it's a bit of an embarassing situation and I KNOW I should never have got into a distance 'thing'. I 'met; someone nearly a year ago online and we got close very quickly. At the time I was told he made regular trips to the UK so on that basis I decided to give things a whirl and was expecting to have met months ago. That didn't happen for a big variety of reasons.

He lied a while into it and to all extents and purposes 'cheated' because he carried on sleeping with a girl he told me he no longer had any contact with. I am sure it was not a patch on the people who have experienced this in real time relationships and marriages but was still pretty upsetting for me.

I was upset by the lying to my face, but he did a lot of talking about things being different and so I decided to carry on.

Anyway the tihng that has got to me a lot lately is that I've asked for some small gestures of romance and so on (cringey to have to ask but I know not everyone is good at this sort of thing), not because I want expensive gifts, but because I felt that little gestures would help me to feel better. I felt this because I am a very romantic person and also I felt the fact of someone sitting down and taking some time out of their day to make that gesture would show a certain commitment to change and so on. But I've been met with a total brick wall which I find quite hurtful.

I think it's pretty much done and dusted now but I suppose I just wanted to ask people how important they find romance and whether they felt that if someone was not prepared to even send a card or a letter and so on if it meant they really couldn't give a crap about you, even if they say they do? Thats what it feels like to me anyway.

He has told me doing romantic gestures are not important, they are a chor, I've placed too much pressure on it, that i expect too much and so on. But he has also maintained for months that he is mad about me. And I feel that if someone really is then, erm, dont they WANT to do little things to show it?

I know this is a bit of an unusual situation and no I will NOT be getting into another one of these types of 'relationships' again..its just surprising to me how deeply this has hurt me and how upsetting it is to have someone say one the one hand they care very much for you but they don;t actually show it?

Hope this makes some sense. wine has been drunk tonight......

And yes I have a history of choosing bad relationships. I know the thing in common in all of them is me so I still have plenty to do before I can have a healthy relationship.

Feel a bit worthless though right now. And a little pathetic and silly.

You're not worthless and, as you've had the good sense to end it, you're not pathetic or silly either. Everyone makes mistakes... no shame in that... the silly ones are the ones that don't cut the mistake short or learn from the experience. Chin up.

Romantic gestures aren't massively important to me what matters to me is the smaller everyday things like making a cup of tea for the other person when they get home from work, doing their fair share of parenting, helping out when the other one is ill, consulting one another in decisions rather than going ahead and doing their own thing, simple thoughtful day to day things really, my exH was an arse when it came to this but would buy a massive bouquet on my birthday and then tell everyone what he had done and how much it costs him (us)

I think romantic gestures are the least of your problems love.
Dh got up early knowing id been up twice with baba. When I got up he had left the kettle full and a tea bag in my favorite mug,id rather that than chocs or flowers.

Yes you are all right. I know it does sound unlikely but I am busy and a single mum and the months kind of went by without really realising, I'm a huge introvert and often at home on my own in the evenings so I did spend a lot of time interacting with him on Skype and so on. After a while it feels real because you get used to the situation but I do realise for those who have never experienced it it sounds a bit insane!

I think my issue is that I will accept bad behaviour from someone and try to understand them and think if I am 'good enough' they will change. I know thats screwed up thinking. I always seem to pick men who will treat me badly and try to 'earn' their love.

Shit. :-S

OP what about forgetting about men (and the internet) for a while and maybe getting out into the community, joining a group, doing some volunteer work? Do you have a babysitter who would look after your child the odd time so you could go out?

I'm still not sure whether you ever met this guy face to face or not (I'm assuming when you say 'you met', you mean met online). I think if you're an introvert, the internet is not the best place for you because it won't help you break the ice with real life people. It's obvious from your posts that you've blurred the lines a bit between 'real' relationships and online ones, and I honestly don't think that's the right thing for the type of person you are.

As for him, obviously he was busy living his 'real life' most of the time.. you're well shot by the sounds of it.

You deserve better than this OP.

I think people express love differently, my dp doesn't ever do the flowers and teddies type of romantic gesture, but he shows me he loves me in other ways (like tolerating my menagery of pets and doing the washing up when it's my turn).

I think your problem is that he isn't behaving in a loving way.

You deserve better.