Mid life crisis or to give up

[MITmum]

A few weeks ago, my husband of 12 years (together 14 years) told me he inst in love with me and last week he said he doesn't even love me anymore. I was shocked, angry, hurt and cried. He said he stays with me because our daughter. Suddenly, he said we married too young (age 26). Nothing in common. All we talk about is our daughter. No same interests etc. I did noticed his has lose lots of weights, got plenty of new clothes and complained about our sex life since he turns 40 early this year.

We talked and agreed we need to give our marriage a go for the sake of our child. I have dressed sexier and tried to engage with him more. He starts to response more but still quite distance. We want to give it a try for the next 3-6 months to see if things will work out. I however deep down felt he is just go with flow and his heart isn't in it. I just felt he is waiting till he is "ready" to move on........

i am so hurt and should i just give up...........

In my experience of brothers, brothers in law, a few male friends etc not one of them wants to hear my view on just about anything so the fact that all you talk about is your daughter is normal (occasionally we will discuss something but their view is fixed so it's pretty pointless).

Also having your family far away is often the case for young families these days. Can you skype them or is that not an option.

He wants to be a single bloke again - go out boozing and flirting, fun with the lads etc. Sad because you can't be a teenager again, it doesn't work for a 40 year old.

I would take Izzyizin's advice - get in touch with solicitor and start divorce. That should bring him to his senses. Perhaps it will but don't be taken in by false promises, he says he doesn't love you, nothing can instantly change that.

The 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech is also known as 'setting you up to fail'.

Don't bother tying yourself in knots trying to make him stay.

He isn't telling you this to try and make things better in the relationship. Or to 'give you a chance to change'.

He's telling you because it's his advance defence for when inevitably the OW comes out of the woodwork and he buggers off. So he can say 'well I told you I was unhappy ages ago, but you didn't do enough'.

BTW - while I agree with the advice that your marriage is over unless he is prepared to change (not you, he's the one who "isn't in love"), however, make sure you are ready practically to end the relationship - I wouldn't show my hand until I was certain i'd got any paperwork I needed, got a bit of money in just my name (just in case hes an arse with money, you might need something ot tide you over until you have the legal settlement), and made sure I'd seen a solitictor.

Get yourself in a strong position, then tell him to leave. Don't wait for him to tell you he's had enough, he's not in love with you then it's over. If he is just hving a midlife crisis, he'll beg you to take him back. but that doesn't sound likely to me

I have bumped this for you, but the link is here also. Its amazing how much of this was true to my STBXH......

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?msgid=34457612#34457612

Honey you're not from South Africa are you? With one DD?

There was a man posting on here a few days ago who had the exact same story as you're telling.

Hi, above. No I'm not from SA. ;)

We actually had a good talk over last weekend. Things seem better now. We want to make this work and he said there is def no one else. He admitted he tried to say hurtful things to get my attention.

In a way, I'm less upset and know there is hope in our marriage. See how it goes.....

Good Luck

Thanks Skyblue. we are trying so hopefully it will work out in the end

I hope it does. Just think very carefully about what you want and need from a relationship... This is a big chance to sort things out for the better for the future, or if it doesnt work out,then at least you tried everything..

My STBXH came back for 6 weeks, but sadly his mind was elsewhere and he left again. But I know in my head and heart that I couldnt have done any more to save my marriage (once I knew that there was a problem....)

we are all here for you at any time and I really do wish you the best of luck xx

Just be careful you don't start competing to be the one he stays with. When a man says he doesn't love you, actually he needs to win you back. This man's no prize to be fought for. You on the other hand....

The cynic in me thinks that either his new relationship has fizzled out, the other woman has taken fright and backed out, or she isn't yet ready to house him and he's biding his time.

If you are going to make a go of this, I suggest you get couple counselling and you make it clear, if he says stuff like "I don't love you anymore" he needs to realise, next time you will take him seriously and start planning the end of your marriage. He can't throw out explosive comments just to get a reaction, unless he's 100% certain he can cope with all possible reactions from your side.

You should be with a man who loves you, if you aren't loved by your DH, you'll be tempted to go elsewhere, right now he's got you trying to save the marriage, if he's not careful, you're going to be an easy target for any bloke looking to take advantage of a vunerable woman.

oh, and now he's done it once, definately get yourself in a position where you'd be fine if he walked out, he might not do, but as others have said, a lot of men have left a few weeks after the first crunch moment.

Yes, I second the above. Just get some legal and financial advice, just to put yourself in a strong position, so that you are not thrown if he does walk out again. It also lets him now that you are making plans regardless of him....

I begged my STBXH to come back, threw all my dignity out of the window, because I was desperate to get him back. Never again.....

Hi all, thanks for your advice.Yes i am aware things might no as rosy as it seems. I will look into legal and financial side. I want our marriage to work but in the end I am not daft. If he doesn?t want this or OH suddenly shows up. I think next time I will prepare???..