Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship red flags?

18 replies

MissJayTea · 28/09/2012 16:01

What are yours? I'm trying to learn.

I'm sure this has been done before but can't find the thread

OP posts:
CailinDana · 28/09/2012 16:18

Feeling nervous or afraid around a partner. Your partner should be your great friend, the one person who'll always have your back and think the best of you. If he/she doesn't do that, then what's the point?

mashedpotatohead · 28/09/2012 16:23

I agree with Cailin. Also if you just have a bad feeling, trust your gut instinct. I used to ignore mine but its usually right.

Lottapianos · 28/09/2012 16:24

In the very beginning, seeming really really keen, almost obsessive about you - calling and texting constantly, wanting to see you all the time. It can feel flattering at first, but often reveals itself as controlling behaviour a bit later on.

Being really negative about past relationships

Schlock · 28/09/2012 16:26

Moving too fast, wanting exclusive rights to your time.

Depends how soon into the relationship I think?

Isolation. It would begin with being soooo into you he wants to spend every hour with you. Then it would be making it difficult to see family and friends because of spurious reasons, telling you that what you want to wear is inappropriate etc. Wanting to see you at the end of the night when you've not been with him (if you don't live together). Eventually it'll be such a pain in the arse to see other people you won't bother. Calling/texting you multiple times during the time you're not with him - not once or twice a day but several times on a night out.

Just a few off the top of my head!

Schlock · 28/09/2012 16:29

How he talks about past partners. If his exes are all 'crazy' 'bunny boilers' 'still in love with him' etc then it's most likely something in his behaviour towards them that has made them behave this way, if they actually do in reality.

How he speaks about his mother. Trying not to generalise too much but I would avoid a man who speaks badly of his mother unless I had other evidence to show that she was bad news.

orangina · 28/09/2012 16:30

Being controlling, jealous, nice in public nasty in private, has no friends, on bad terms with his parents, always the victim, never his fault, especially short tempered, tries to pin any of the above on your own sensitivity.......

CailinDana · 28/09/2012 16:30

Basically I think you should feel comfortable with a partner. You should be able to say "Sorry can't go out tonight, got something on," without one worry about what their reaction will be. Any nervousness, any fear, heed it. Your partner should make your life better, more fun, more interesting, easier and more relaxing. If they do anything to make you worry, doubt, dislike yourself, time to think about ending it.

orangina · 28/09/2012 16:30

Tries to isolate you, DEFINITELY......

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2012 16:32

You know that thing Puss in Boots does with the hat and the big eyes when he wants to get his own way? That whole 'love me because I'm a pitiful, needy creature' thing often masks an unscruplous manipulator who will try to excuse all manner of bad behaviour with sad tales from his childhood,'psychological problems' and other heart-tugging crap.

Snorbs · 28/09/2012 16:37

This article by a psychologist is an excellent summary of red flag material. I think it should be required reading in secondary schools.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2012 16:38

"Good Cop, Bad Cop"..... alternating OTT lovely behaviour, lavish gifts & romantic gestures with truly shitty behaviour. Designed to keep you on the back foot thinking 'Bad Cop' is just a one-off, a bad day, out of character, YOUR FAULT. At the same time hoping 'Good Cop' (often last seen at the start of the relationship) will put in a reappearance if you behave yourself... change personality ... make him happy... blah... blah.... blah....

CryptoFascist · 28/09/2012 17:03

Very early in the relationship, casually mentioning a few other women he is or has been interested in (this can be a list of real life women or celebrity crushes, depending on their maturity level).

This is calculated to keep you on the back foot and make you realise that you're really not so special.

FermezLaBouche · 28/09/2012 17:43

The way he talks to others (particularly those he might consider "inferior" eg waiters, receptionists, etc.)
I went out with a delightful specimen years ago who spoke to people as if they were the shit on his shoes.

Also, in contrast to the type who demands exclusivity on your time, you have the ones who only see you at the weekend, they pop over for the night, leave the next day and barely text during the week. They don't want to go out and aren't interested in meeting your mates. Probably married.

Schlock · 28/09/2012 17:59

Oh definitely. Anyone who treats waiting/serving people with anything less that courtesy can go fuck themselves. It's a job, not a lifetime subservient role. I tend to enjoy what the waiting staff might do to the food before it ends up on the table if I'm eating with someone who is rude and/or obnoxious. I'd probably walk out before the main course nowadays.

Jennylee · 28/09/2012 19:15

they sulk for day or weeks on end

IllageVidiot · 28/09/2012 19:58

Also before good cop/bad cop really kicks in fully things like blowing hot and cold (this can be the start or a technique on it's own).

It's not quite as aggressive but it works in the same way it keeps you on the back foot. Sometimes confused but ultimately reaching to either work harder for them or give them space - is generally how it manifests in the partners that will be malliable or open to progression of these kinds of manipulaive behaviours.

As JennyLee says - sulking or silent treatments.

Space invasion. Unilateral decision making.

Inappropriate reactions - that's kind of my umbrella but even before they let themselves go fully you tend to see one off instances of wildly off beaviour, like a really angry reaction to a trivial matter, really holding a grudge and bringing up something hours/days later that was all sorted and not grievous, being really hurtful or malicious in responce to even a lighthearted disagreement those kind of things - easily written off ONCE as a bad day but still crop up

Bedroom weirdness- moving too fast or 'oddly' slowly, 'forgetting' a condom was agreed on, trying something without consent (could be anything but for instance accidentally slipping and 'every other gf has liked anal, I thought you would), possibly being much more aggressive or prescriptive than in every day life. Knowing what you would like/be happy with better than you. Not listening. Continuing after you've said no then trying to brush it off as misunderstanding (tickle fight or something, you were laughing so it was ok).

I like Snorbs' article. Will save it.

foolonthehill · 28/09/2012 23:35

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1451592-Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind

lack of respect for other people especially police, waitresses, people in authority

Driving like they own the road and have the right to reprimand everyone else for their "bad driving"

MoelFammau · 29/09/2012 10:35

I'm going to sound terrible but I do use a lot if red flags against my partner. It's honestly not conscious and I regret it immediately. My mother was an extreme case and I'm so worried that this is how I've learned relationships. No idea how to fix things but am desperate to start the journey.

Just wanted to say because sometimes, while the behaviour is extremely undesirable, it's not intended. [ sad]

New posts on this thread. Refresh page