Divorce - practical issues

[Verso]

A hugely long story I won't go into here but I'm thinking seriously about asking my husband for a divorce. Thing is, I'm not sure what my legal position would be. Neither of us has been unfaithful, so am I right in thinking there is a thing called 'irreconcilable differences'? How long does it all take? How much does the legal side of things cost?

Also, we have a DD who is almost one year old. What would happen with her? I would hope to get custody, obviously, but I'm not sure if that would be automatic or if I have to make a case for it.

As far as the flat goes, I pay the majority of the mortgage anyway, but couldn't afford the whole mortgage and DD's childcare costs out of my salary.

Sorry - all this sounds so stiff and cold but I'm not, really. Just feel very very alone and upset and hurt and horrible. Kind-of like all my dreams of a lovely relationship have evaporated. Don't know if that makes sense... Please don't suggest Relate to me. I've suggested it to him loads of times but he doesn't think it would help and refuses to consider it.

Some of you will know I have posted here before about his health (he has MS) which makes me feel like an utter cow for suggesting divorce, but the MS isn't the reason. There are many reasons, and yes, the way he deals with his MS is a factor, but that isn't the main reason.

Not sure what to do for the best really and just want some real facts. Maybe I'll phone citizen's advice.

Someone else will be on soon to give some good advice I'm sure - didn't want to leave you with no reply.

I have no answers but I hope everything works out for you.

Hugs
x

You can go to Relate on your own Verso - you don't have to involve him. It can give you someone to talk to about what has gone wrong. Relate counsellors will not pressure you into staying in the relationship if that is not what you want, but they can help you end it in the best way for you, your husband and your dd.
I hadn't seen your previous posts about your dh's MS, I am so sorry you have all this to consider on top of a troubled marriage.

Yes you can have a no fault divorce agreed by both of you.

How long it takes is minimum about 4 months, there is a statutory period of six weeks between nisi and absolute

How much it costs is much harder to answer and depends entirely on how antagonistic the pari of you are. It needn't cost much at all and you don't have to have legal representation. But if there are areas of dispute then costs rise accordingly.

The best way forward is to negotiate with your husband rather than become adversarial through solicitors because that is where the costs mount.

There isn't automatic custody, the child's best interests are considered if you don't agree between you.

Good Luck.

when I divorced which was in 2001, the principle was that all divorces were granted due to irreconcilable differences, but one of the following facts had to be proved:

adultery
desertion (one partner wanting to divorce and couple living separately for 5 years)
separation (both partners wanting to divorce and couple living separately for 2 years)
unreasonable behaviour (as quick as adultery but extremely nasty as the one who's divorcing has to bring up lots of awful stuff about what they dislike about the other one - NOT pleasant)

Financial stuff could be done separately. I didn't have children at the time so don't know about that.

I'm not a lawyer and the law may have changed. I would encourage you to go to Relate and also to see a solicitor, as I'm sure you will.

acnebride put it clearer than me!

Thanks, everyone. I just don't know what is best to do, and feel horrible. Your answers are brilliant, thanks. I've actually put all the emotional stuff down in writing this morning and paid for one of the online Relate counselling sessions, so I should get a reply in a week or so.

It breaks my heart to even think of splitting up our family, for DD's sake, but then my parents stayed together 'for the sake of the children' and it was miserable because they obviously hated each other. Our DD is so very wonderful, but I can't keep the family together single-handed. It's just too much for me.

It sounds like the best approach would be to see how it goes with Relate/CAB and then try to negotiate between ourselves and avoid using solicitors if possible.

Thank you, everyone.

verso just a quick one - definitely see a solicitor at some point. apart from anything else, if the judge is going to agree your divorce without calling you both to have to go to court, s/he needs to be sure that you have both received decent legal advice. You do not have to take the solicitors' advice - I didn't - xh and I colluded to get it done as fast as possible, and this made it very straightforward. my solicitor advised me i was very likely to be 'due' more money than I was accepting, but I didn't take her advice and don't really regret it. But she wrote the letters and all that guff. You don't want to be doing that.

Also with children, finances get more complicated IMO. See somebody about it now. You DON'T have to do anything, in fact i would recommend that you don't straight away. Mull it over.

Re children, decisions will be made in the children's best interests, the first premise of which is that the status quo should be maintained unless there is a very good reason to change this. Thus, if you have been the primary carer it would be very unlikely that your husband would be granted residence (the name for having the children live with you - which is what I guess you are getting at). However, sometimes you may share residence if, for example, you want the children to spend half the week with you and, say, long weekends with him. Think carefully about this though, as you need some good family time outside the working week, and the children will want to see friends and go to parties etc. on weekends which won't be possible if he lives a long distance away. Other access issues you might want to think about are attendance at school events (can you both go? or take it in turns?), and telephone calls (better to buy a mobile for the kids, so he isn't calling in on your line - this avoids nastiness if he can't get through when he wants, or if you want to take the kids out for dinner/away for a weekend etc. and don't want to have to report your every move to him.

Ideally, being flexible about all this works best, but this relies on you both being able to discuss parenting with no bitterness etc. If you think things might ever become difficult, you would be better to thrash out as much as possible in the initial negotiations, to save massive legal bills if you end up going back to court to stop him phoning at all hours/collecting them from school when you didn't arrange it etc.

I believe people are now encouraged to use mediation to try to negotiate all this without needing a court hearing (thus saving time and lots of money). The CAB will no doubt be able to tell you all about that side of things.

I do think you need to take advice about the financial aspects of your situation - this can be very complex, as acnebride says, including ownership of pensions, shared stakes in property, etc.

This is all from experience of friends - I am not a lawyer.

By the way, the research on divided families suggests (as you describe from your own experience) that it is the long term adversity of living in an unhappy family environment that causes problems for children, rather than the short term experience of family break-up. It is true, though, that children benefit when the split is managed without high levels of conflict. From what I've seen of friends, that would probably be a whole lot easier for you too!