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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No longer in LOVE?

19 replies

Umm · 22/03/2006 00:44

Hi everyone,
Im really stressed out by mine and my dp's relationship.
I dont think I love him anymore, but how do I tell him? And also how do I know whether he still Loves me or not? We dont do anything that a couple should, as soon as he comes home he does his thing so Im left with my dd.
PLEASE HELP!

OP posts:

m4ya · 22/03/2006 00:51

Hi umm,
I think you'll just know when you no longer in love with him and the best waay of coming out with it, is just to come out with it straight... theres no easy way of saying it, but be sure you definately no longer in love with him. Hope it all works out! xx

Original poster

Umm · 22/03/2006 00:55

Hello m4ya,
Im not 100% sure that I dont love him, but know for sure that if things dont change Im gona go insane and will end up looking elsewhere. I have told him im not happy with the way things are but he doesnt seem to be bothered... mayb thts his way of telling me he no longer cares?

OP posts:

Original poster

Umm · 22/03/2006 00:55

Any guys out there with an opinion as to why he behaving like tht?

OP posts:

wabbitintheheadlamps · 22/03/2006 01:54

Umm - you know you're no longer in love when you stop being stressed out by the relationship and just bored by it.

Your more likely to be hurt by your dp's inattention to you and dd and your distancing yourself is a form of self protection... He's a man and probably can't tell your missing his attention, have you tried telling him that you miss being able to love him 'cause he's always doing his own thing?

Hope you can resolve it - best wishes

verysadthistime · 22/03/2006 09:45

umm, The trouble with being a guy, is ( and I speak from clear experience here) we often don't know what is going on even if our partner practically beats over the head with the facts.
Usually by the time we spot what is happening it is to late.

I'm sure if he REAllY knew how you felt, I mean really understood to a deep level what you felt then he would do something about it.

It seems to me you still love him, otherwise you wouldn't care what he felt one way or the other.

Please try and make time for an honest, open non defensive conversation.

If he doesn't want to listen, than more fool him,If he only knew the pain of losing a loved one, he wouldn't risk it

good luck
vstt

robin3 · 22/03/2006 09:49

Can I ask if you have children and if so how old are they? Is it the stress of daily life and young children that is taking its toll?

For what it's worth I think men do understand but are helpless to know what they can do to alter the situation.

diddle · 22/03/2006 09:57

umm - he sounds like a typical man to me, he will only realise how important this is to you, when he feels he might lose you. If he thinks its ok plodding along and that you'll always be there, he won't rush to make the effort that the relationship needs.

I would sit down and have a serious conversation with him, tell him exactly what you've told us, and ask him how he feels. try and put yourselves in a situation where he can't run away and ignore your chat.

Chandra · 22/03/2006 10:01

Umm, I had a definition for love not love, if I was still able to get annoyed for not being given anough attention I might still love them, if I didn't even care if they were around or not... love was gone.

Indifference is the key word, I suppose, if you still care try to work it out, if you don't better sooner than later.

Original poster

Umm · 22/03/2006 16:33

I still care about him and do everything I've done from the start. This morning I was so angry at him I thought I wouldnt wake up to make him breakfast, but felt bad that he'd have to go to work on an empty stomach so I did. He doesnt seem to appreciate any of it though. I mean I feel like his maid, he never does anything in the house I do everything from bring him his food, cutlery, drink and sauces, and when hes done eating I take it all away. He'd have me clean his ass if he could!! But in return get nothing in return.
I guess it could be the face that I have a very young 4month dd. Mayb that could b a factor as to why Im so tired and worn out! I wouldnt moan as it were if I got some time to interact with him for say an hour! I dont think its too much to ask an hour out his day!
Anyways Ive gone on for a bit! Sorry

OP posts:

Northerner · 22/03/2006 16:36

You have a 4 month old baby and you make him breakfast?

Does he ever do this for you?

motherinferior · 22/03/2006 16:37

Er...why would he go to work on an empty stomach? Is he incapable of putting a piece of bread in the toaster?

biglips · 22/03/2006 16:40

i remember the first 6 months after baba was born.. we were constantly arguing about crap...

i think you do still love him or otherwise you wouldnt even bother coming on here and asking for any advice...... BUT.... he should make an effort though as you both made the baby together

have you sat down adn talked to him of how youre feeling right now? or otherwise if u leave it.. you will feel worse and get more angry about it

meowmix · 22/03/2006 17:02

sit him down and tell him calmly. But I suspect you need some rest more than anything. If he can work he can put cereal in a bowl for himself. You cannot do everything at this stage, you have to look after baby and yourself.

You've got to tell him. Your behaviour is completely reassuring him that you're ok - in man world if something makes you feel bad you just don't do it!

Original poster

Umm · 22/03/2006 17:03

lol I make him breakfast becoz if i dont make it, e wont do it himself and will go hungry! And have tried talking to him before but hasnt got me newhere...

OP posts:

meowmix · 22/03/2006 17:05

so he goes hungry! he isn't a 4mth old, he can get food. Bet you he can!

Tell him and then stop making bfast/whatever. Its a bit like saying "I want to lose weight" - fine. "I want to lose weight" + diet and exercise = success.

snafu · 22/03/2006 17:09

You're letting him treat you like his maid. Let him make his own bloody breakfast, fgs, or go hungry!

No wonder you don't know how you feel about him anymore. I don't think I'd know how I felt about someone who took me so completely for granted and let me run myself ragged for him - whilst also caring for a young baby.

Fisrt thing you need to do is stop pandering to him.

motherinferior · 22/03/2006 17:14

I think it would be a good idea if you can stop letting him taking you for granted.

robin3 · 22/03/2006 17:34

If it's any consolation a great many relationships hit the rocks in the first year after a baby. We were decidedly rocky at one point but now things are fine again and DP recognises that he didn't do enough.

Not sure what to suggest practically but just wanted to say that if everything was ok before the birth then try to work things through in the next few months and you might be suprised at the result.

Lulu41 · 23/03/2006 13:33

Talk about now with him if you can - I myself am in a totally ridiculous relationship which has just gone from bad to worse because I am too scared to talk to my dp. We live separate lives because I have let it happen for a quiet life - dont end up like me - lonely and sad x

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