Relationship is floundering - how do I get it back on track?

[CheeseAndJamSandwich]

Am a regular, have name-changed for this.

I'm in a position that I know thousands of women are in. My relationship with my DP isn't great. You know that psychologist John Gottman and his 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse', four things that indicate your relationship is going to end - defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt, well, we've got all that going on. We are just arguing all the time.

For example, we had an argument last night that started when I was trying to tell him about something important about some bills I'd paid. He interrupted me to ask a question (I forget what), I got irritated, he didn't apologise (just went on the defensive - 'I've had a long day at work' etc.) and it went on from there. He feels I criticise him, and has told me a few times I'm a "fishwife", and I know he criticises me.

I'm totally fed up. If we didn't have our DS, aged 4, I would have left a long time ago. As well as being unsure of the pros and cons of breaking up our family unit for DS, two other inter-related things keep me here. One, I dread starting all over again with somebody else. I have been with DP for 5 years - before him I had several long-term relationships (all lasting between a year and three and a half years). These relationships have taken up a lot of my energy, and I just don't think I've got it in me to do it all again - I think if I did split up with DP I would remain single (seriously! I wouldn't even bother pursuing a sex life. In my experience most men are lazy in bed, I can take care of my own needs in that respect far more satisfactorily!!). Which brings me on to point two, which is that I really want another DC, maybe even another two DCs. My DP is a good father, he is a good person to have DCs with in terms of that. But can we get past all the arguing and be happy together again? Has anybody on here done it and if so how?

Cheese you both sound dreadfully unhappy. Can you both see any light at the end of the tunnel? If you could give Relate another go with both of you totally committed do you think it would help? I' thinking of maleviews post about not caring about counselling; if one or both of you has mentally disconnected then all the counselling in the world won't help.

I would not be looking at another child in this situation. Both of you need to sort yourselves out befoee bringing more children into this.You say you'd 'do it right', what if your second child gets on with Dad like your first? What would you do then?

Frankly since you've both admitted you're only together for the kids then I don't see much hope.

I think you're letting your desire for more children cloud your judgment, OP.

This^

If we didn't have our DS, aged 4, I would have left a long time ago

and this^ say it all really.

You don't want to be with this man and it sounds like he doesn't particularly want to be with you either.

My parents have been together for 40+ years because they stayed together for me! My mum was like me, I think, she knew there'd never be anything for her outside of the marriage so she stayed and tried to make the best of it.

Cheese your DP may have said those things in a moment of anger. If you really think he is staying with you only because of DS that's quite sad (and worrying).
You sound upset. I wouldn't make any big decisions when you're upset.
I understand your frustration, though. My DP has asked me to think before talking and ensure I'm using the correct formulation (I'm French so say things incorrectly or translate directly from French which doesn't always work in English) and that left a bitter taste but at the end of the day he was right, as hurt as I was by his comment.
I ended yesterday night an argument by stating two words: fair enough, even though I didn't think it but that left DP speechless and he apologised 5 minutes later which lead me to apologise too.
There are tactics to defuel arguments. I didn't use them much in the past, but the more I use them, the shorter our arguments.
Do you think your relationship can be salvaged?

Then she just got to a point where they'd been together too many years for her to consider walking away. My parents are actually quite happy now, though they are more like housemates than partners.

X-post.

cheese,

"My parents have been together for 40+ years because they stayed together for me!"

Are they happy?. And do you yourself think that your mother should have left her H years earlier?. What do you think of them and particularly your mother now, bet you never thanked her for staying with him or the two of them for staying together.

What did they teach you about relationships; do you not see that history is being repeated here?.

Your child should not be the glue that binds this failing relationship together; it is totally unfair to lay such a weight of responsibility on him. If its not working out the kindest thing for all parties is to separate. Your son can and should still see his Dad, its not his fault that the two of you cannot live together happily.

Your mothers example has been replicated by many but it doesn't make it right.

If he has said that and means it then what hope have you got?

You can actually get on better apart as I did with my ex when we split.

Being brought up in an unhappy environment is not healthy for a child. A spent years listening to my mum and dad arguing when I was a child and spending weeks where they wouldn't utter one word to each other. I never saw any love between them at all and it has completely tainted my view of relationships. I couldn't wait to get out and marry the first girl that came along and look how that panned out.

Try reading the book
"Why Women Talk and Men Walk"
Some women find the book very helpful.

it sounds as if your DH is on the defensive immediately - maybe you could try some of the following?

make an effort to say frequent positive things about one another (maybe parenting?);
have pleasant conversations about easy subjects - TV shows etc;
on more tricky subjects, finance and relationship problems etc, try talking a little and often rather than saving stuff up for a long list discussion.

hopefully then he can break out of his current pattern of behavior

Thank you everybody for your responses. I will try all of your suggestions and welcome any others.

I'm sorry, I'm having a minor family crisis and don't have time to respond to the other points made but will think about them.

cheeseandjam I've flicked through the comments from everyone else.
I wanted to say that yes, my current marriage went through a terrible patch, we got into a cycle of arguing.
We were both holding onto entrenched positions, talking about divorce and looking at moving out.
It happened to be summer time and we took the family holiday (it was already booked). The first few days were hell!
After that we both started to relax and by the time we got back we were both agreed that we didn't know whether we could make it work but agreed that we wanted to try.
We didn't go to Relate.
We found a counsellor locally who did couples (and individual) counselling and we went to see her both wanting it to work but our disagreements had escalated out of all proportion.
So we went. We talked and we listened.
It took a good few sessions and plenty of effort but it did work.

The point I am trying to make is that it can work but you both have to be prepared to put the time and effort in, to get to the bottom of all your problems and it will only work if you still love each other.

Good luck with it all.