feel lonely and unhappy

[slowlysinking]

Hope that you can help. Although this will sound extremely trivial compared to many of the problems discussed on mumsnet, I would really value your opinions and advice. I am married with a toddler and should feel very grateful. Both my husband and myself have good jobs, a nice house, lovely family, two cars and a wonderful healthy, happy little boy. But some days, I feel so low and stressed. I feel lonely and sometimes even alone. We have been together for over 6 years now and we constantly bicker. Sometimes deliberately saying things to upset each other. We hardly spend time together ? dh goes round to his friends? house several times a week on the spur of the moment. Myself and ds drop him off even if it is on an evening and is disrupting ds?s routing. I?m by no means the tidiest person in the world ? anyone who visits this house would see that ? but I feel taken advantage of and taken for granted. I don?t want chocolates, flowers, etc, but feel as though I am ?just a mother? in the opinion of dh. Our sex life is non-existent and hasn?t really got back to normal since ds was born over a year ago. Not because one of us doesn?t want to, we just don?t seem to be getting round to it very often. I am often tired but I nearly always get up with ds on a morning and let dh have a lie in. Yesterday we had a huge argument as I was stressed out having lots of people round in the afternoon. I had planned it , shopped for food, paid for it and organised it. In the end I actually cancelled it ? I seem to get really stressed about a lot of things at the moment.
I feel as though dh doesn?t fancy me anymore and feel really sad. I try to talk about it, but to be honest, I hardly see him. As we speak, he is on his way out with his mates for the rest of the day. It began as a night out ? well, an evening at his mates watching dvds etc but has somehow managed to stretch into a whole day thing.
I sometimes feel as though I have no control over my life anymore. I love my ds with all my heart and love being a mum and sometimes am grateful that we get a lot of one to one time together. I can?t explain myself very clearly ? sorry it sounds very garbled!
Just re-read this post and I haven?t explained myself very well at all. Going to post anyway and will add more when my brain returns.

slowlysinking - doesnt sound garbled at all.I think u explained yourself very well.

I am so sorry you feel this way. Like u have no sex life since conception over a year ago. Oh we tried once whilst prggers but felt silly and uncomfortable, so doeant count!!!!!This seems a very common condition of relationships these days.
I think u need to have a serious chat with DH. It doesnt seem right that u feel this way and he is in and out like a single man. Do u think he is trying to get away from responsibilties???? If so he needs to be told.

It is important to tell him about you - I have to tell my dh loads of things about my needs. They need to be told otherwise they dont think about it. Just plant the seed several times.

Thanks Melsy. DH knows how I feel. It just doesn't seem to sink in. He is one of the loveliest people in the world - outgoing, gregarious, fantastic with DS, idolises his family and acknowledges that things are not right. He gets upset when I try to make it clear how I feel (after the shouting and bickering) but then nothing changes. This has been going on for ages. He says that he needs time for himself - I am not denying him that at all. But then goes on about the fact that just because I don't go out much, doesn't mean that he has to forgo it too.

I have been in the same boat as you many times. Do you have any hobbies, things to do every week???? Dh sounds v similar. Great at home shops cooks cleans , but when stuff is going on he doesnt want to miss out. I suppose I would feel the same.

I am going to join some new things to get out and about. Dh starts new job Jan 18th and I have heard the place is VERY social from a friend who works there, so looks like I will have to get used to having a life of my own too.

Feel really frustrated with everything. Finding it hard to juggle all aspects of life at the moment. The house is a tip and I can't be bothered to sort it out. We have lots of DIY jobs that are essentials - DH is so bad at getting round to doing things. I would do them myself but when I get the chance, I am alone with DS and you can't do bricklaying or tiling or grouting with a toddler around.
Hobbies - hmmmmm. I am so tired when I get in from work and often have more work to do when DS is in bed, after sorting essential domesic stuff out that I don't have time for hobbies anymore. Most of my friends are married but without children. They have a different social life. We sometimes have lunch but not going out aprat from that. DH often works weekends too. I woul djust like a bit of company.
I sound really ungrateful don't I. SHould just get on with things and stop analysing and moaning so much.

Personally, I think he's being staggeringly selfish. No wonder you are feeling lonely and alone. You are on your own all the time! Stands to reason. He's using you as a babysitter so he can have he life of a single man. How can he be leaving you both on your own all day so soon after Christmas. I think possibly it might help to find a babysitter so you can both go out - together. And absolutely insist that he spends time with you. It's just not fair. No wonder you are so tired - you work, take care of your child and don't get any support. Can you get someone in to do the basic jobs? I also feel gloomy when surrounded by undone jobs. Take the money out of a joint account. He clearly has money if he has such a lively social life. Then book at night at the cinema or a dinner out. You also need to tell him that you are lonely being at home all the time and exhausted from taking the brunt of all the childcare and getting up early and that you need to share things more equally. Good luck. And you don't sound ungrateful at all - I think he is behaving very badly indeed.

I don't think you're moaning - life can be very tough with small children, even though they might be gorgeous and we love them to bits. Took me ages to adjust to the restrictions imposed by motherhood. I loved it, but also felt very frustrated at times by having so little time to do the things I used to do pre-kids. Not necessarily partying, but just all the everyday stuff that takes so much longer when you are also caring for a small child. Mine are 8 & 6 now, so this is less of an issue. Sounds like your dh is dealing with it partly by literally leaving you to hold the baby! Can you organise some time for yourself and for you/dh ie with toddler at nursery or with babysitter? Try not to look upon this as a luxury - it's a vital part of maintaining sanity!

slowlysinking - you don't sound ungrateful. A bit of adult company is not too much to ask, and I also think your dh is being selfish. I sometimes feel like this too as we have few friends here and dp works all hours, but I think I would go mad if he also simply buggered off with his mates when not working.

Does he ever take your ds for a day/evening so you can see your friends? Have you tried going to M&T groups? Or possibly as Marshy says, a babysitter ocasionally would help. Whatever you do though, don't keep on thinking you're being ungrateful/unreasoanble - you're not.

I would love to go to baby groups/tumble tots etc but i work full time. I am currently scouring the internet for groups like this on a weekend but can't find a thing!

slowlysinking - I don't think you're being unreasonable or ungrateful at all. You work hard (in and out of the home) so why shouldn't you have some time to yourself? I would try a different tactic and say to dh "On x night/day I will be doing y. I'll need you to be here to take care of ds." Choose anything you like - late night shopping, coffee with a friend etc. It will give you a break and perhaps make dh appreciate how much you do. A firm date is more definite than a general request for free time. You will probably find you bicker less too. I always snap at dh if I'm tired or feel 'trapped' in the house.

I agree with ROSCOE - I think you'll have to tell him how it's going to be. I don't work but also can feel very lonley and trapped, so i have gone back to college mainly for the socializing. Dp doesn't like it but he knows he has got to be here on those to nights because i won't be. Oh and as for a sex life, our youngest is 1 and i could count on one hand how many times we've had sex since he was born.

Thank you all for your comments - very much appreciated. Just been putting my toddler to bed for the last hour and a half. He was in his cot and after about an hour, I started losing my patience so I left his room. Then he shouted 'mama - mwah'- his kiss sound. I went back in and he was blowing kisses to me. I just cried. He put his forehead on mine and said 'aaaaah'. I have to get this sorted out.
At the moment, I am not especially bothered about going out, but recently have said to dh that I am having a night off in the house and effectively will not be 'in' for the evening. Everything just gets left and I end up feeling guilty. A typical example of something - before dh went out this afternoon, his friend came round (he is ds's godfather). They made themselves lunch, tried to warm up mince pies in the mircowave but burnt them. When I went to make ds some tea, the burnt mince pies were still there. Trivial, I know, but any little thing is driving me crazy today. I feel as though I have to nag to get through to him - he says he is like he is as he feels he has to 'escape my nagging' but I am like I am because he isn't here. Catch 22! If I try to explain, I get emotional or angry and invariably, ds is around, so I odn't even go there. Dh thinks he is so hard done by. He hasn't got a clue. I am so easy going and open minded and feel as though I am being sh*t on (pardon my french)

slowlysinking - it does indeed sound like you are being sh*t on.

Have you thought about couselling? Just that it would be a way of explaining things without your ds about in a neutral atmosphere really and I do think you need that. Failing that, just planning an evening during which you will have a "big chat" might help as it will give you time to plan.

Slowlysinking,
brain not working very well tonight and am under strict instructions to get off the computer by 9.00 as very tired, so not reaaly able to offer any advice just to say thinking of you, my situation was very very similar after dd was born. Will try and catch up with you tomorrow when brain better!

hi slowlysinking, have been trying to think of something constructive to say, but can't think of anything.

yup, you're being sht upon, no question. he sounds like an a**.

will try to think of something more constructive to say, but in the meantime, hope you get some good responses here.

good luck.

Thanks again folks! I said to DH yesterday that we need to sit down to sort things out and we tried to do that last night. There is loads of blame. I also feel resentment. I love him loads and he is honestly a lovely person (except for the bit that I have been telling you about!). Trying to suss out the real cause.

SS, sounds like the real cause is that he's just refusing to accept that life with another adult, let alone life with a child and that child's parent, is bloody demanding - as well as bloody rewarding. I'm sure he is lovely - up to a point (he sounds a lot like a lovely bloke I used to live with - who said he had to be out all the time because I nagged him when he came home). Problem is, you're copping all the unloveliness nobody else sees. Good luck with tackling it. I'll try and be more constructive too!

motherinferior - you have hit the nail on the head!

Hi again,
Dh amd I have tried to talk more. We sat down together last night and I tried to express how I was feeling without getting too emotional or angry. I explained the things that I have posted here and he tried to say that many other couples have relationships like this. I said that not many did when a small child was involved. He didn't believe me so I showed him some of the responses on this thread (hope that you didn't mind). He was very quiet and didn't really say much more.
The problem is, in my opinion, that nearly all of his friends are single. They don't have a great deal of experience of 'serious' long term relationships and although they all love our ds, they do not have a clue. I think that DH feels he still has to fit in with them as they don't quite 'get' his situation. Most of my friends are married but do not have children which means that they understand the relationship part but don't have as much time as his friends do to 'socialise' as they ave their own lives!

I have decided that I need to make more time for myself - I haven't decided quite how I do that yet and what I will do with this time. I also need to try to find a babysitter (and there is another problem) so that we can spend more time as a couple.

I am slowly telling him things - don't want to say everything at once - tried this before and he just gets extremely defensive.
Thansk again folks!

Hi ss,
sounds like you've given your dh a bit of a reality check, and more importantly, in a way that he is able to hear.
Re the babysitting - they're a bit thin on the ground here, too (no rellies to depend on). When my 2 were little and at nursery, I discovered that some of the nursery staff were willing to do some evening babysitting for a bit of extra cash. Worked well as dd/ds knew them, of course. Would this be a possibility for you? Do yours go to nursery while you're at work?
Have to go - dd/ds creating havoc upstairs. All still in our (new xmas!) PJs at the mo.
Well done, by the way, for taking some positive steps. Not easy when you're feeling so dragged down by it all.
Marshy x

Are there people at work who have children? Could you form a baby-sitiing group with them?
I am in one and its invaluable. There are 9 of us, most with no family around. I can give you more details of how it works if you want.
I'll be off line from late this afternoon til New years Day, but will watch out for you.

SS - I seriously think you should try counselling. If you can find a good one, they should be able to help the communication work between you. Don't make the mistake of letting him "go out with the boys" all the time because you're afraid he will be angry if you say anything. Believe me this is a sure recipe for drifting further apart. You need time together and if he seems resistant you need to explore this properly. XXX Good luck.

Well done slowlysinking, good idea to let him read this thread.Time to, "smell the coffee", as they say!!! May be he can more understand the situation. Planting a seed of your feelings in to his head should be enough to make him think more.

I hope you have a great New years. Start arranging that night out for the both of you , it will make you feel good and a great start to 2004.

Slowlysinking best of luck. Take it from me as one who's relationship has gone down the pan in part due to lack of nurture, nip it in the bud, and get yourself some time a) for yourself and b) as a couple. The first couple of years are hard work as parents, and nothing prepares you for it. It gets better though, in terms of the sleep and becoming a human again (a woman not just mum)
Hope 2004 is good for you

just read this thread and nothing constructivbe to add, but hugs, slowlysinking and hope your new year went OK.

sorry to go off topic for a minute - MadMaz, good to hear from you again. Hope things are fine with you. I still remember the help you gave me about classes at the Tramshed.