Advice needed please, what do I do?

[pinkpiggy]

Basically my marriage is at rock bottom. We have 3DC, including a 9 week old baby. 'D'H is very unsupportive emotionally and practically and has said that he does not love me at the moment (he 'regrets marrying' me). It is the old cliche; he has shown no interest in the baby, done nothing to help, does nothing around the house. I am exhausted and have been getting angry and frustrated with him. His response is to emotionally shut down, run away, totally ignore calls and texts, not eat dinners I have made etc. He is one of those men that won't talk things through and everything is my fault. Anyway, that is not why I am posting; I know it is a bad relationship and I need to make moves to fix or leave.

My question is, if we split up, what happens? The house is in his name (he bought it years before he met me) and he is constantly saying that he will never leave 'his' house and that I will have to go with the kids to my mums. What do I do if he is being like this? Any advice would be gratefully recieved as I cannot see the wood for the trees at the moment.

If you are married, there is no "yours" and "mine", there is only "ours", barring a few personal items. Thus, if one of you wants to stay in the house, they would normally have to buy the other one out. Sometimes the main carer will get the right to stay in the house until the youngest child is 18, then it is sold and the proceeds split. It depends on a lot of factors though. You really need to get some proper legal advice tailored to your circumstances.

XH refused to leave the marital home, which he had built more or less with his own hands. However, the court ordered it to be sold and the proceeds split 50-50, so that's what happened. I'd have been willing for him to buy me out but he couldn't raise the money.

Thank you for replying. How did you get your H to leave/get the ball rolling? My H does not know what pain he is causing me as in his eyes it is all my fault (I react to his behaviour with anger and frustration).

For chapter and verse talk to a solicitor and get fully up to speed with your rights and responsibilities in the event of a divorce. You'll find that being a 'DW' rather than just a partner and because you have 3 DCs and therefore a long-standing relationship you're actually in a very strong position regarding the ownership of the property because it's regarded as a marital asset i.e. belonging 50/50 to both of you. If you'd married property-owning him yesterday and had no children together and no history it would be a different matter.

As regards who leaves the marital home, again it's something for a solicitor to advise. However, he could find that, because there are very young children involved and because it's felt to be a bad thing to disrupt them, he could be the one packing his bags if you can get a court order for him to vacate while you sell the place.

So do you think it's definitely over?

So basically, I would have to buy him out for half the house? I only work 2 days a week at the moment...(well, am on ML) But what if he refuses? Would it go to court? We have no joint bank accounts and little savings each so the house is the only 'asset'.

No, I don't think is definitely over, I am confused. I met him when I was 21, 1st boyfriend (late developer!) and loved him so deeply. He is the father of my beautiful children, I think how can I do this to them? I am very unsure at the moment, but I have to get my head straight and think of the practicalities.

If there is a court order for him to leave, would the house need to be sold to give him half the money? As you can see, I am a total novice with all this!

The financial settlement is going to depend very much on your circumstances but, as a dependent wife with 3 dependent DCs you can aim for some regular maintenance money and also a share of the value of the property. If you can't afford to buy him out then the property would be sold off and the proceeds divided. Whether it goes to court or not also depends on how cooperative everyone is. In my divorce we agreed everything between ourselves and only involved the lawyers when it came to rubber-stamping the papers.

hildebrandisgettinghappier, good luck to you. It's a hard decision to make. At least he has gone easily. My H would never go like that, he would only leave with a court order I think. He would not play fair at all.

The property might not need to be sold until your children are 18. Also you may be entitled to half his pension.

But go and get proper legal advice. Knowing is better than guessing, and a much better place to make decisions from.

"how can I do this to them? "

Do what to them? Remove them from a miserable environment where their mother is exhausted & unloved and where they are routinely ignored? Demonstrate to them that women/mothers are important, independent people & not just some kind of domestic appliance that has to work for no thanks?

Once you have seen a solicitor and have all the facts at your diposal that's the time to tell your DH how unhappy you are. If he can see you're serious and that he stands to lose his precious house, you never know, he might shape up and decide he doesn't regret marrying you after all.

I am frightened for my dcs as I want them to have a family with a mum and dad that love each other, the fairy tale! My other dcs are 4 and 6, my 4 year old absolutely idolises his dad. H is very hands on with playing with them, no faults there. I am frightened that I will not cope financially alone etc etc.

hildebrandisgettinghappier, of course you are going to be fine! You have done the hard bit of starting the separation. I know deep down that divorce is the way for me as I think if I was financially independant, i would be gone like a shot. Money is the only thing keeping us married i think

Thanks for all the really useful advice given so far.

If I did start divorce proceedings, would tax credits then be split between myself and H? Is there such a thing as single parent benefit if I am working? Ho w do I find a good solicitor? Would Citizens Advice recommend somone? Any more pratical advice / experience would be great if anyone can. Trying to get as much information as possible!

Hi Piggy If it is legal advice you are after, I know that both the legal and divorce threads will give you some much needed advice.
I have been rubbish at that, but there are many many clued up women prepared to share their wisdom. You could try posting.
Your husband sound like a total prat. If you need/would like to talk to those of us who are/have been married to fuckwits, please join us here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1560639-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-11
I have been pretty crap at that part of the separation, too, but the advice I have had here is without price :)

The fairy tale family doesn't exist, but a family like the one you want takes two parents who want to make it work
-- So true. Please listen to this OP, hilde is a lady who knows what she is talking about.

Hilde I've read your posts elsewhere, and am so glad you're enjoying some peace and freedom now ... Long may the peace continue.