Family troubles and now my sister is getting married. What do I do???

[Roscoe]

Wise MN'ers, I need some opinions and/or advice about a family situation. I come from quite a large family and have always been the black sheep of the family. My mum's dp realised this when I was still a child and knew that he could beat me up etc and could get away with it as my mum didn't care. A few years ago my mum decided she didn't like dh anymore (no reason ever given), and when I told her that I wouldn't tolerate her nasty remarks she cut us off completely. If I saw her in the street she would ignore me, even if I was with ds (her only grandchild). When my younger sister had a party for her 18th birthday my mum refused to go if I went. I didn't want to spoil things for my sister so I stayed away. After the birth of ds2 my mum seemed to realise what she was missing out on and made contact again. I encouraged this as I didn't want to deprive my boys of a grandmother. So far it has been a success, although we are still not allowed to go to her house. I am also the only member of the family who isn't invited round for Christmas. This isn't about self-pity. I'm just trying to give you an idea of the background to my dilemma, which is this: My younger sister recently got engaged and is starting to think about the wedding. Apart from the usual wedding stress she has hinted that she is worrying about the guest list. I want her to have a perfect day without family tension spoiling it. Even if my mum agrees to me being there, her dp will still object. (He is at least part of the reason why I am never invited to family parties). Obviously I would love to see my 'baby' sister get married but not if it will spoil things for her. So, do I wait to see if I am invited, which will mean extra stress for my sister? Or do I tell her in advance that I don't mind NOT being invited, and risk her thinking I don't WANT to go? (I know she was upset that I missed her 18th birthday). We live too far away to make leaving straight after the ceremony a realistic option either. The date hasn't been set yet so I'm probably worrying far too early but your opinions would be appreciated. TIA.

You have missed too much already. You sound like such a nice person - always taking a back seat and missing out. But this time - let your sister decide. Why should you miss out? I know your heart is in the right place - but it is time your mum and dp (what a pig he sounds) learn to grow up and rise above it. After the way they have treated you I am sure your sister realises what they are like.
I would wait and see what your sister decides to do and take it from there. If you keep giving in - you will really beat yourself up eventully when you realise that they have had it all their way and you have missed out.
I hope this makes sense (I am hung over). You sound like such a lovely, forgiving person I feel like having a go at them for you!! (()) big hug to you

Roscoe - your situation makes me feel very sad. As lynsey said, you seem like such a nice, genuine person and I agree that you have missed out on so much already. Going to tell you of a similar situation upon which my opinion is based.
A very good friend of mine got married over a year ago. Ended up not going t her wedding as in hospital with pre-eclampsia. Anyway. Her parents divorced about 5 years ago and mum didnt let the youngest sister have any ocntact with dad. My friend has some contact with dad but behind mum's back. Complicated i know but they are not as close a family as some and seem not to be able to discuss things sometimes. Anyway - at the time of planning the wedding, friend and mum were not on very good terms so friend asked dad to give her away thinking that she had brunt her bridges with mum. In the end, she wanted her little sis to be there but mum siad no unless dad not there. Horrible situation and after months of agonising, friend told her dad that the wedding was off rather than tell him that he couldnt come. They have to hide photos, take off rings etc when he visits.
I find this very worrying and upseting - try not to discuss it too much with her (she won't talk about it anyway) and after a year and a half he still doesnt know.
The point of my story is - my opinion is that you need to let your sis know that you would really love to come - make it clear how you feel - but also say that you understand the situation and try to show her that you understand the tricky situation that she is in
Is it going to be a big 'do' or not - the reason i ask is that a friend of dh's got married but had a meal before the wedding for one side of his family, then after for the other side then had a big party afew days later - invited eveyone but made it clear that everyone was invited and let people make up their own mind"
hth but will probably confuse you more!!!!
sorry - but good luck!

Roscoe, you poor thing, what a bastard he sounds.

I think you should write to your sister now, before she has a chance to get into a state about it, telling her that you will go along with whatever suits her best, and if she wants you there you will come. If she thinks it will just be too awkward then you won't. But at least she'll know that you care about her and are thinking about her and don't want to miss her wedding.

Your mother's partner has no right to object to you coming anyway, does he? Or is he paying and would be petty enough to refuse to pay if you are invited?

You're all very kind. My mum's dp has always been a bastard and his pettiness is legendary. I think my mum will be paying for the wedding but yes her dp WOULD be petty enough to try to stop her from paying if he thought I would be there. Although I get left out of things I think my mum misses out on far more because if I'm not there then neither are my ds's. She missed both of their first Christmases and has missed out on a lot of their important milestones. They are still her only grandchildren so she had no children around her at Christmas. I can sympathise with the friend who had to lie about her wedding. I was told that if I invited my dad to my wedding then my mum wouldn't come. I hardly know my dad so it wasn't a big decision but it still wasn't nice to be given an ultimatum like that. I think it will be quite a big wedding as we have a big family so I don't think they will want to 'split' the reception in two. I think they would prefer one big reception.

This is my first post on here. I just wanted to wish you luck Roscoe. That man sounds horrible.

I think JanH has the right advice Roscoe. Although you don't want to be always missing out on things I think you have to keep in mind that this is your sister's big day and on this occasion she is the most important consideration. Just try to be absolutely clear in your letter that you would love to see her being married but not at the risk of ruining her big day and you will respect whatever decision she comes to.

I think it is a real shame that your Mum and her DP are spoiling things between you and your sister. But you don't want your sister to end up in a situation like popsycal's friend - that sounds awful.

Finally would like to add that you sound like a lovely person to be posting on Mumsnet for advice on this dilemma. It shows how much you care about your sister.

Roscoe, I agree with Janh, what a nasty piece of work he is. And how unbelievably hurful it must be that your mum has accepted his behaviour towards you, now and in the past. I think your mum and her partner should be the ones who aren't invited actually. They are the ones who have been badly behaved, not you. But hey, that's your sister's decision to make I suppose. I'd write to her too (or call her) and explain that you'd love to come if she'd like you to but that you understand if it's all too difficult.

Yes, I think I'll write a letter to her. She's a lovely person and I would hate to spoil things for her. It'll need a lot of thought to get the wording right. (Any suggestions?) I'll let you know what happens. Thanks again.

Message withdrawn

Roscoe, seeing your post to marialuisa reminded me of this - have you written? Any news?

JanH - Thanks for thinking of me. I meant to update this a few days ago but I've been avoiding posting just lately.

I had a rough draft of the letter all prepared. It wasn't easy. (Thanks for the advice, Twinkie ). My sister was away over the New Year so I held off posting it. At the w/e my sister phoned and was really excited. She and her dp had found their dream home and their offer has been accepted. The cost of this means that the wedding will be put on hold for the foreseeable future. They will eventually marry but for now they are concentrating on setting up home together. I'm really pleased for them both.

Rather than stir things up I am going to concentrate on trying to get on better with my mother so that by the time the wedding is back on the agenda we might all be on better terms. If not, I will dig out the letter annd send it.

Thankyou all for your help.