when to meet his child

[karelomen]

I have just very very recently got into a relationship with a man who Ive know for a few years.

Today we were discussing what we'd like he said, I don't want my daughter to know about you (she's 4) until about a years time.

I respect this because f it doesn't work out its just another thing for her to deal with, but part of me is questioning if it's just going to make things really difficult,.

Has anyone had any experience of this from either side?
Thanks

My DP has a DD the same age. We were together six months before he introduced me to her as a friend.

It wasn't until we'd been together over a year that I first spent the night at his place while she was there.

IMO he's right to take it very slowly. They are so vulnerable at that age and pick up on everything.

I will tell you this: being with a man who has a child is one of the hardest things I've ever done. As brilliant as it is, it is also fucking hard. In ways I never could have anticipated.

Be prepared to accept that his DD will and should always come first. The best you can hope for is joint first. You've got to be able to suck that up if you guys are going to stand a chance.

Good luck!

thanks for your long replies.
So sorry to have used the term baggage, I didnt mean to sound awful I was in a rush typing and was trying to think of one word to describe, 'other considerations when getting into a new relationship'
It is so good to hear from people who have been in this situation, because I dont have children I am a bit at sea so Im glad to have a telling off on here because I want tp learn to navigate this to the best of my ability.

You say you've begun this relationship very, very recently. Basically you meet his child when he feels he is ready to introduce you and not before.

I met my stepsons seven weeks into dating DH and was introduced as a friend. If I was dating a package I needed to meet them all. What if the kids had hated me and I'd waited a year to discover the relationship had no future? Sorry but life is short.

I completely disagree that it's solely the decision of the parent to decide timings. That sets a precedent of inequality from day one. I told DH I was up to the challenge of one day being a stepmum but that I would expect an equal say in all aspects of our home and future. He said that was what he wanted so that's what we have.

I kind of agree waiting but I think in the beginning there actually is an inequality and even if you become a step parent then there is a difference that is ongoing. Relationships naturally evolve and I think they aren't static so there being an inequality at the start isn't a precedent set necessarily, if things don't evolve in the relationship with the dcs then it is a sign they are not really working out with the parent I think. I wouldn't say I think you are wrong, but i do think it can be bad to jump into being the step-parent straight away, my dh was introduced as my bf (not a parent) straight away because my dc were always with me and we'd been talking a while so I knew I was committed straight away but I think you have to consider how you can avoid disrupting the children if at all possible and it should be about what is good for them, that is not a different stepmum every five mins as some people expect to do. Particularly if you are the nrp it requires a lot of careful thought. My xp is only seeing the dcs a small amount if at all and although he is planning to marry his gf next year and she is very sweet, they are not interested in spending time with her when they go with him because they see him so little anyway, they want it to be just him. It really depends on the circs including the state of the relationship between the parents and the child care arrangements as well as the seriousness of the new relationship.

I don't think it is unreasonable for the dcs to expect just him either when all he is willing to do at the moment is 45mins per week!

I completely disagree that it's solely the decision of the parent to decide timings.
Of course it is, which isn't to say I wouldn't discuss it with a new partner and listen to their views. I would, but ultimately the final decision is mine. And all parents will say the same thing. New partners can express an opinion and their wishes and their feelings on the matter, but the decision is not theirs at all.

That sets a precedent of inequality from day one.
It has nothing to do with inequality. I don't care how crazy I am about someone, they are not going to have 'equality' in decisions about child's welfare when I've known them a matter of months, they have never met my child and know nothing about them. As a relationship progresses, over the years, then that changes.

Exactly adrastea-it was up to me when I introduced a partner to DS, anyone who wanted to rush things wouldn't have been suitable. They can have an opinion but the decision was mine.

WaitingForMe I think the status quo your describe is where you ultimately want to end up if the relationship has legs.

But in the early stages, when you still can't really be sure how things will turn out, it would've been absolutely out of order for me to tell my DP when he should introduce me to his DD. And he would've been perfectly within his rights to tell me to do one if I had.

We didn't rush into me having a parent role. I was a friend of the family unit for quite a long time. The first time I was referred to as a stepmother was when someone asked DSS who the woman he kept referring to was and he said I was his stepmum.

I guess we are unusual (or I'm overly entitled). I was 26 when I started dating DH and just voiced my opinions. I read a few threads on MN and swore I'd never be with a Disney dad or feel like an outsider in my own home. And in my case I was right to stand my ground. MIL had been hugely involved in DHs first marriage and resented me seeing so much of the boys when I was no relation. It has been a definite battle as she felt her opinion should be counted above mine whereas the only person I think should get a say in how DH and I live is the boy's mother.

Each situation is unique though I guess.

One of the things I find the hardest is how my DP's ex and her family affect MY life even tough I've never met her. I don't think DP's ex treats him or their DD very well (she left him). She seems to think 50/50 custody means 'dropping her DD off with my DP whenever she's got something better to do'. Like go on holiday, or spend the weekend at her new boyfriend's parents.

If I could change anything about the situation it wouldn't be the fact that his DD always comes first, nor would it be that in the early days I didn't see him for up to a week at a time because he had his DD. And it wouldn't even be the fact that I don't get lie ins any more! It would be the fact that when his ex is being selfish, it affects my life and my relationship. I wish I didn't have to have her or her family (they all live close by) in my sphere at all. But the only way that would happen is if I ended my relationship with DP.

Another headfuck - when you don't have children of your own together - is the thought that you'd have no right to see his DC if you and he split up. So it requires a huge leap of faith and massive balls to let yourself fall in love with his child too. Knowing you could get doubly hurt if it all went tits up.

All this is stuff I never knew I'd feel before I got involved with a man with a child. It's pretty deep stuff. No one should do it lightly.

We went out as a four (my BF his DS, me and my DS) about 2m after we met, but we were 'friends' at that time, we'd only kissed once I think

It was a rip-roaring success! The boys get on better with each other than with anyone else they've met, they bring out the best in each other and for all of us to be together is mostly easy. We spend most saturday's together as a four, and sunday night is date night, it's working, so far so good!

Them getting on, and us getting on with each others boys does really help everything go well.

In an ideal world, delaying meeting up with the DC is ideal, as it gives you valuable adult time/date time, and protects the DC a little. But when both partners are FT working parents, 1 partner has their DS 100% of the time, and the other one 50% of the time, it's flipping hard to find any time at all , so it makes sense, if you are serious about committing to a relationship to try to make it asw normal and accepted as possible in a reasonably sensitive timescale. It depends on the DC as much as anything, our DSs are 5 and almost 7. If they were younger it may have changed things a little.

I do feel that it's highly appropriate for our respective boys to see us happy together, that it's OK for us to hold hands, hug, light cuddles etc, as that's what a normal relationship is all about. For one reason or another, both of us have had difficult relationships with the other parent of our children, those children need to see that what is normal is different to what they saw, they need to grow, heal and learn from a healthy environment.

Each situation is different, communication and understanding is key, fwiw OP, I think you should accept what your BF says for now, and this situation may change in time, give HIM the chance to relax. He's doing the right thing by his DD somehow, but he may adjust that timescale as your relationship develops.

Thank you so much for all this wonderful advice- I am ready for future difficulties, I like what was said about how children need to see happy healthy relationships.

I met my DP's DS (4) after about four months I think. It felt like the right sort of wait for us - we were already spending a lot of time together by that point.

I think one factor would be how long ago the girl's parents split up and how she has been dealing with it. In my case DSS was too little to remember his parents ever having been together, his mother had already remarried and had another baby, relations between all parties were friendly with no animosity. DSS had been prepared for the fact that eventually daddy would have a girlfriend. So it was about as uncomplicated a situation as these things can be. Maybe if things weren't so straightforward we would have taken things more slowly.

I do agree with some points about how YOU need to know if having his child around is something you can deal with. The more you fall in love with him before starting to factor the child in, the harder it is to disengage if it turns out that being a stepmother is not what you thought.

I had no experience with children AT ALL when I got together with DP, none of my friends had them yet. I was naive about what I imagined it would be like having a kid as a permanent fixture in my/our lives. The full realisation of some of the sacrifices I was going to have to make - like non-child-friendly holidays, the freedom to move anywhere we wanted, uncomplicated Christmases, plus all the day to day stuff of having a kid around, didn't properly hit me until much later. For this reason, I wouldn't have wanted to have left it later still to meet DSS, and have built up a totally false idea of what having him in my life really meant.

All that said...its true that what is best for the child has to come first no matter what you might like, so its a good idea to get used to that now as it will probably be a running theme in your future!