Is this EA or am I being paranoid and where do we go from here?

[MrsOscarPistorius]

I am waiting for a relationship counselling appointment on my own. I need to sort my head out as I am not sure whether I am being paranoid or whether DH is being controlling and abusive. Every time we talk it somehow ends up being all about my faults so I made a list of the things that are bothering me and it just went on and on. It looks terrible. I think he would say I am being paranoid, can't take a joke, or am being over-dramatic. I dont know if these things happen in normal relationships?

He has to always win the argument even when he knows he's in the wrong. Reduces me to tears then apologies. So I have stopped arguing with him.

Blames me for being unhappy "not fun to live with" says I have always been an angry and resentful person.

Doesn't tell me when coming home or if going to be late- eg last friday text at 6.30pm have gone to pub for a pint, not home til 10pm.

Doesn't give me clear information about family visits in advance.

Switches off/is not present when at home, often on phone/laptop etc

Says "he can't bear to be criticised by me as my opinion means so much to him"

Says I am a control freak "nothing I do will ever be good enough for you"

If I criticise him by asking him to do or not do something, will immediately counter with something for me to do-has to score points

Gets angry with me for "nagging" him to eg mow the lawn, put the bin out, but then frequently fails to do either. shouted at me for not bringing bin in when he had left it.

Sulks after arguments until I make peace.

Belittles/gets angry at me for not being able to work his phone/computer.

Belittles my taste in tv programmes-feel I can't choose to watch
"Trashy" tv

Belittles my decisions to spend money on treating myself. Says spa I went to is full of chavs (2 weeks ago). Says I waste (my own) money on handbags. Asks me who I am trying to impress when I bought some new makeup (2 weeks ago). Claims this is all "jokes"

Barged me out of the way of the mirror when I was getting ready for work, as he also needed to get ready-I suggested he went in other bathroom but he refused. (1 week ago).

Doesn't take fair share of household chores, cleaning, parenting, holidays, finance, household maintenance/etc.
Had to beg him in tears to book appt and deal with plumber when I was suffering with anxiety.(Last summer)

Hitting objects-pounds front door or rings bell repeatedly if key left in door so he can't get in-broke a bit off front door. (few months ago - don't leave key in door now :(

Gets angry, swears, bangs things if shower water cuts out. Broke bit off shower head (xmas?)

Thinks its ok to tailgate slower drivers. Drives too fast, overtakes in risky situations. Gets angry if I criticise his driving, or if I involuntarily gasp because his driving makes me nervous.(last time few weeks ago)

Its all a drip drip thing but I only realised when I started writing it down how many things there were.

It's abou give and take though. Taste in telly might seem like a minor irk but in my marriage it was an example of something exp used against me. I hardly watch any telly - I mean 2 hours a week! Bit I did quite like Towie. I gave up trying to ever watch it because all I got was 'fucks sake crack.....' then some kind of obstruction or threat of punishment. Exp would have the tv on at all times and revelled in purposely watching things I really hate or that upset me. For example; right wing talk shows which he would use to drag me in to an argument about because he knew I was c likely to disagree with their consensus. Worse though was the constant sky news etc with graphic scenes or war and violence which he knew I was totally unable to cope with after I has dd1. He was also intensely selfish wrt dd and frequently sat her in front of age inappropriate material. I am v strict and only cbeebies is allowed when dd is up and about but that's an aside.....what in trying to say is that you can minimise it down to squabbling over the tv or you can call it what it is.

Sounds like a lot of minor irks are being added together - Yes, that is what emotional abuse sounds like.

The abuse is doing the same thing over and over again because you know it upsets the other person. I can't imagine anyone would describe that as a constructive way to act in a relationship, can you?

Perhaps someone could point out a 'major red flag'? I'd say the mirror incident, because that's plain rude. As a general impression he sounds a bit of a misogynist who stereotypes women.

YY, crack. It's the doing it on purpose, isn't it. That's called bullying.

Perhaps someone could point out a 'major red flag'?

Taking this at face value: Breaking stuff in anger is a major red flag.

Don't most people have at least 2 TV's these days to solve the issue? - if the OP was threatened with violence for watching Towie or suchlike of course that would be out of order

I think the OP and her husband have children - she refers to parenting about two-thirds of the way down her opening post, within a bigger paragraph.

Forgot to congratulate you, hildebrand

We didn't have 2 tvs. Exp was v against this. Funny that.

I'm just thinking that if this list is contains the worst things he does perhaps it's redeemable without jumping to "It's EA, leave him"?

If OP can be arsed to justify herself to a bunch of strangers, Open, perhaps she'll come back and tell you what efforts she's made to alter her husband's bullying and turn her marriage into a comfortable one instead of trying to avoid being put down most of the time.

Chances are, she's already pissed off with explaining that. It's remarkable how often people assume a browbeaten wife just hasn't made the right effort!

In the end I resorted to offering my husband to well-meaning friends, seeing how they were so much better equipped to live with him than I was.

Unhappy - I agree they are all red flags.

Open - ea is pretty much any behaviour which is done to repeatedly, purposely upset the other person as a form of manipulation/coercion

I got 'was that really worth ending the marriage over'

Luckily the judge who granted the injunction thought it was!

just wanted to thank everyone who's posted. at work so haven't time for long explanation of details. list was for counsellor so can go into more detail with her but really just wanted a reality check. seems though I definitely have good reason to be wary about him, hence going for individual not joint counselling initially - don't want him to twist that situation as well.

for those that asked we have been together nearly 20 years and have 3 children. all started out as partnership of equals etc etc but gone downhill over the years :( I just want us to have a happy family life together with our kids.

thank u all again and may join EA thread in due course x

MrsOscar, I separated from my NSDH over equally 'minor' incidents. I refer to it as "death by a thousand paper cuts" (wise MN description of EA!) and I would add that it doesn't need to be unacceptable to anyone EXCEPT YOU!

If you don't want to live with that behaviour, if you have done what you can to change the situation and yet it continues in the same way, that is all the reason you need to leave him. Its not 'giving up' or being fickle or over-sensitive, its valuing your life and your self-esteem enough to know that you deserve better.

I endured 14 years of it and have 3 DCs so its not a decision I made lightly, it was a 'straw that broke the camel's back' scenario, where one day the balance tipped and I thought "I don't have to up with this shit any more".

Now happier than I have been in years Good luck with your counselling xxx

Whether it's EA or not, I wouldn't want to live in that kind of atmosphere. When the life-partner who is supposed to love and cherish you makes you feel so crap that you don't feel comfortable even in your own home what is the point of being with them any more? Where you go from here, I would suggest, is to doing some practical background work on how things would be in the event of a split - finances, accommodation, access to any children - and then present The Joker with a stark either/or choice. To whit... 'shape up or ship out'