Elderly DMs and little guilt trips .....

[fluffyraggies]

Just a little vent ok?

I don't expect anything to change or improve as a result of my venting here except to make me feel better right now as i have other things on my plate besides this as well.

My mother. She's 73 and she lives alone. She uses a stick, and struggles with her eyesight. She doesn't drive, never has. I'm an only child. I live down the lane from her.

I've just had the 'i sometimes think i could just lay down and die and no one would know for days and days and the cat wouldn't get fed' speech AGAIN.

This time it was delivered while we were on our way back from me driving her to a dental appointment. I took her to town yesterday for her weekly shop. I take her every week. I rang last on Sunday evening. She's going on a coach trip tomorrow with friends, and next week we are doing her weekly shop on a different day to usual as she has a friend coming to stay for a week. The week after that an Aunt is coming from London for one of her regular weekends with her. She goes to History club, Gardening club and the WI. She's a volunteer steward once a week at a local National Trust property, as she has a keen interest in history. She has a social life revolving round the people that steward alongside her there too. She attends more coffee mornings, flower fruit and veg growing competitions, coach trips, hair appointments and evening fundraising cake eating and tea drinking events around the village than you can shake a stick at.

She has a phone with 4 handsets around the house. Last year i helped her get one of those alarm systems installed where you can call if you have a fall. She wears the pendant when home alone. If she has a crisis i'm top of the contacts list of course. And there are 6 other names - and failing that they call the police! She's computer literate (although she pretends she isn't) and sends and receives daily emails from friends and family. She shops online sometimes. She has a bloke in to do her gardening and i drive her to all her docs and hospital appts. without a quibble. I drive her and her cat to the vets for it's appts too. She has rural wheels number if it's really needed.

I've got 3 DCs, had umpteen jobs (5 at once at one time recently) and have a hectic life. I never say 'no' her if i can possibly avoid it ...

So whyyyyyyyy does she give me this 'I could lay here and die ... ' bollox !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!!??! And whyyyyyyy am i now feeling guilty again??? Huh?

Breeeeeeeaaaaaattttthhhhhh.

It's a no win situation imo. The loneliness line is a red herring in many old people's lives as their life often hasn't changed much over the last 5-10 years. (though losing a spouse is a major loss though to be honest my DF was a grumpy old divil and DM happier without him)

What has changed is their interest in life. My Mum stopped voting in elections, lost interest in going to church, liked Bargain hunt and Morse but not much else. Was anxious about what people thought of her (had to make sure the front garden was neat) but didn't really care about her neighbours' lives. Became lazy about cooking nice meals. Probably due to the aging brain.

So all the little things which give pleasure seemed to become too much effort for her. So you feel 'poor lonely Mum I must do more' but really it's her that's changed and there's nothing you can do about it.

Saying this to point out that you shouldn't feel guilty that DM's life isn't as happy as in the past because there isn't anything you can do ime even if you wear yourself to a frazzle visiting etc.

Just wanted to thank you for your input, all. Some very thoughtful posts.

I know in general here on Rships this isn't a massive problem, compared to what some of you are having to deal with right now, but it's feeling guilty is very wearing!

Thank you for saying i shouldn't feel guilty. And that it sounds like i'm doing a good job :)

amillionyears at first it does seem silly to be worried that you wouldn't be missed for a few hours doesn't it. If the worst happened. And yes, this could be said of many people that live alone. Not just the elderly. But when you start thinking about it it's a horrible thought! Especially when you were once the hub of a family.

Mum does see someone every day. Most days it's a regular meeting so that if she were to not turn up, not answer the door for eg, the alarm would indeed be raised.

Why on earth do we have to get old!? :(

Can i just say i couldn't find this thread yesterday evening! Which is why i didn't post till now. I thought i'd been deleted (again )

OP - your mother is very good at keeping herself busy and you are a remarkably dutiful daughter. But she is lonely because she doesn't have husband. That's all. She doesn't mean to get at you - she wants you to sympathise with her feelings of loneliness.