How to tackle porn addiction?

[Mypopcornface]

Sexual life is not great at the moment, I have no sex drive and he turned to porn. I don't feel comfortable with it for many reasons and mainly because we have a daughter and also because I was exposed to porn as a child and I don't think it caused me any good. We had a long conversation about it the other day and he admits understands the way I feel abut it and that watching it gives him a superficial short term pleasure....until he logs on again. Obviously I am an easy target to blame as I'm not keen on having sex. I know people will tell me to consult with a doctor but I'm fine not having sex and I don't want to change it. I suggest separation so he can find someone to have an intimate normal relationship with but he doesn't want to. I made it clear I won't have sex just to satisfying him. I know we have to compromise in marriage but I'm not willing to compromise with my body anymore. So maybe I should live him alone to watch his porn? It is not a secret at all and I'm not shocked he does it, just feel extremely uncomfortable and I wish he would use his time and brain power to do something more constructive and useful.

I think it would be a good idea to try to speak to your husband about how you are feeling.

"I don't like the idea of telling someone things about my parents either don't they deserve not to have their flows and bad attitude not to be judge and not to be talked about? "

If you talk to a trained counsellor or therapist about your experiences everything you say is kept confidential. The therapist is not there to judge, blame or gossip about your parents. Their purpose is to help you work through a psychological problem that is causing you unhappiness or difficulties and enable you to function better as a human being in the future. If improving the present involves thinking about past experiences, that's just part of the process.

Three people are affected by the problem at the moment. You, DH and - in time - your DD. As DH is right in the front line at the moment, doesn't he deserve to understand even a little of what's going on?

Is there any book I can read?

Unlikely, because your experience is probably not going to be replicated in a book. It's your personal story that is at the heart of the problem. Some people can experience all manner of upsetting things growing up, rationalise what happened single-handed and go on to be fully functioning human beings. Others need some help understanding it all. There's no shame in that.

OP as a fellow child of toxic mother and alcoholic father just wanted to say, so sorry for what you endured as a child, don't underestimate the effect that will have had on you. You are not betraying them to talk about it, it's not about judging them but exploring how those experiences have affected you, shaped your view of the world and yourself.

Just reading 'toxic mother' here makes me ashamed. And feeling guilty about writing here about her. I see propel calling other people toxic here but don't know exactly what to be a toxic person mean because we don't have a translation of this word relating to people in my own language but I suspect it is really bad. I will look up later.

Toxic means 'poisonous'. A handy shorthand for someone or something that makes your life consistently worse rather than better.

I'm sorry I read that back and wish I hadn't put it - contradicted myself entirely re the judging didn't I and don't want to scare you off - I am new at this and these other ladies are so much wiser - don't let my post put you off. To explain I love my mum but both my parents said and did terrible things when I was younger which I would consider toxic (similar lines, can't wait till you are 16 and we can get rid of you etc, calling me a slut) it was poisonous and I wouldn't necessarily repeat it to anyone who knows them or in RL but it is safe here. you should not feel ashamed :(

Greeneyed I think I've been called slut too is it a synonymous for promiscuous women? And I was still a virgin it just made my view of sex so much more messed up. How did you manage to get over your childhood?

Mypopcornface you sound a very switched on and intelligent woman who is willing to look at the things in your life that are causing you difficulty now. I think you are in the right place to find help for yourself and it can only help with everything that you are experiencing right now. These problems do effect everyone around you, so if you look after yourself now, it will be of endless help for you as a person, a wife and a mother.

My mother greeted me one day upon my return from school with the following
"where have you been you slut"
I was 10 years old.
All the work I have done with councellors and therapists has helped me come to terms with myself. To love and own myself and not the horrible lies I was told about myself for too long. It is like being freed from a prison where you had been locked up in for no reason you could understand.
Well worth it

If he gets fed up of porn and mastubartion he better don't turn to me because he knows the answer and he knows how it makes him feel.

Wow. Just....wow.

OP I don't have the answers but for me I found therapy which raked over old coals too painful however CBT helped me a great deal to deal with anxiety and OCD brought about by my skewed self beliefs. I think generally the advice would be a type of therapy which involes talking about what happened and making sense of it (don't know what this is called) there is a thread on here called something like "but we took you to stately homes....) It's a group of people from dysfunctional families who all had difficult childhoods and are trying to come to terms with it, maybe you could post there. First thought is go to GP for your own sake and your marraige and talk to your husband.

@Apocalypto - he knows the answer, it is a simple NO and he knows how it makes him feel - rejected. I can't see why you are sow WOWED at this???

Thank you for everyone who tried to help, I will seek RL help.

Best of luck Mypop - don't be ashamed