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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I overreact with my aggressive partner?

71 replies

briarrose81 · 24/09/2012 21:52

This is my first time of posting, so please excuse any mistakes! My partner has always been quite an angry person (never actually violent towards me) ? he gets frustrated if life doesn?t work out perfectly (and when does it) and takes out his frustration on me by saying some not very nice things ? including being accused of having an affair to the point where he asks me who I am texting. He gets quite aggressive, has thrown things (recently breaking our new kettle), has put a hole in a door and has thrown the cat across the room so she hit the door.
Today frustrations got to the point where he was struggling to put our DD car seat into the travel system and shook it a little as if to try and force it to lock. He didn?t shake it a lot, I am not accusing him of trying to hurt her but given his history I was concerned as he has been known to get frustrated with objects like that and then hurl them across the room. So, I said to him that I never wanted to see him behave like that with anything that involved our DD. He didn?t even want to listen, got angry and stormed off. He now won?t talk to me, saying that I am accusing him of trying to hurt our DD and won?t talk to me until I apologise. I have tried to explain that I simply don?t want him being aggressive around our DD but he is now threatening to leave by the end of the week and says he will leave me on my own and see how I cope then!
Did I overreact? Am I right to be worried about his aggression around our DD? Should I apologise?

OP posts:
EnglishNotMy1stLanguage · 24/09/2012 23:52

OP does he shout at you and call you names? Does he make you feel powerless? Do you feel good about yourself while you are with him or are you just used to be with him? Can you be your true self around him or are you afraid to be who you are??

izzyizin · 24/09/2012 23:52

If he doesn't go of his own accord - which, sad to say, is unlikely - you will need to take steps to ensure that he is never in a position to abuse your dd.

The best way to do this will be to get him out of your home because he is not safe to be around her even when you are present.

Is your home in your name alone or is it jointly owned/rented with him being shown as co-mortgagee/tenant?

suburbophobe · 25/09/2012 00:00

"When someone shows you how they are, believe them".

This is very frightening, being cruel to animals says it all really. Never mind the breaking of the kettle and the hole in the door.

Please take you, your DD and your cat and get the fuck out!

Make sure you have all your documents - hide/copy as is necessary while you plan your getaway.

So glad you posted....

Anniegetyourgun · 25/09/2012 00:07

Actually, AF, you're probably right there. At least, it's a lot shorter a step than for someone who doesn't "even" abuse small furry animals. Depends whether he regards women and children as lesser species, I suppose...

Darkesteyeswithflecksofgold · 25/09/2012 00:17

He threw a cat so hard that he/she hit the door. As an owner of an affectionate little tabby i am horrified. The poor little cat.
It wont be long before he escalates. Please get yourself DD and cat away from this bastard.

BertieBotts · 25/09/2012 00:22

Thing is it's probably easy for someone who can justify throwing a cat against a hard surface (Angry - I hope the cat was okay) to justify throwing a tantrumming toddler onto a bed or sofa, where they could fall awkwardly or bounce off, or pushing a just-walking baby hard away from something they're not allowed to touch and then blaming the baby's bad balance for the fact they've just fallen over and banged their head on the floor (God, I've done that by accident, I'd hate to think what could happen if someone did it with real anger issues)

I agree he probably won't leave (because they always threaten it but they never do, in their "script" you're supposed to go crying and pleading back to them begging them not to leave and then they feel all important again - and you'll be walking on eggshells so as to not piss them off so they get a quiet life for a while.) So, you might have to make some emergency plans. How do you feel about that as an option?

Jux · 25/09/2012 00:48

Violence towards objects.
Violence towards animals.
Violence towards a child (don't imagine for one moment that he didn't know your dd was in the car seat and think he wasn't being violent toward her, he was).

Run as fast as you can.

hmmmmm · 25/09/2012 00:52

Shock at the cat throwing. I really couldn't be with someone who could do this. I'd be shit scared tbh and I don't scare easily.

Please have a good hard think and best of luck.

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 25/09/2012 00:55

If he threw a cat against a door, it won't be long before that happens to your DD. I don't say it often, but I really do think you should kick him out. If he is capable of hurting a defenceless animal, what else is he capable of doing?

This is NOT a good environment for your DD, and for him to expect YOU to apologise to him when you were calling him out on his unacceptable anger around your DD takes my breath away.

He is emotionally abusing you by doing this. HE should be contrite, and falling over himself to apologise to you and to do something about his temper. NOT turning it round on you, getting huffy saying you accused him of trying to hurt your DD, giving you the silent treatment, threatening to leave you. These are all red flags of an abuser.

This is an abusive relationship. You need to get out, and get your DD away from him. Check out the Women's Aid website's checklist of abusive behaviours and see how many he displays.

Lueji · 25/09/2012 01:02

Do let him leave. Or you do if he doesn't.

And only come back if he really does manage to find other ways of dealing with frustration.
He seems potentially very dangerous.
And it's always best for him to leave than the other way around.

Plus, I suspect you will cope better on your own, than with someone this aggressive.

Aspiemum2 · 25/09/2012 01:08

I am so sorry but everything that's being said is so spot on. He will not change, nothing you can do will make him change. In fact he will just get worse. You staying with him and thereby accepting his behaviour allows him to continue it.

Any person who can throw a cat in anger is absolutely a threat to a child.

I know it's not what you want to hear but you need to end this now, please

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmm · 25/09/2012 04:02

Sorry sweetie but everything everyone else has said is right.

It will be DD or you next :(

Its simply a matter of time. I am willing to bet he has driven in a frightening manner too, with you and baby in the car?
I have been where you are, many times.

You will only realise when you stay with him, and the minute he comes back from work, your happy-all-day baby will start to act the way he does.. getting angry easily, throwing little wobblies.. because children are so sensitive to this crap.. and you will realise its learned behaviour from her own dad, and it will shock you and make you feel sick.

Do you have a safe place to go if you leave x

HissyByName · 25/09/2012 07:47

Get your dd and the cat and yourself away from him, so many red flags, it's like a parade in red square!

You are being seriously abused. So is your dd, so is your cat.

Call WA for guidance, and to draw up a plan to get you all away from this man.

EnglishNotMy1stLanguage · 25/09/2012 07:57

What would the cat have done to receive such treatment anyway? Can you imagine when your dd gets into the dificult mischief stages how many 'excuses' he will have to lose his temper on her? Will you ever relax when he is around? Will you ever be abke to live her alone with him even if you are just one bedroom away? When I was 3 or 4 my dad said was time for a shower and it only took me to say 'no' to be spanked naked in the shower cubicule. I'm 36 now and I will never erase this from my mind. Children say NO a lot, how frustate will he get when your daughter 'is not working' the way he wants??

Original poster
briarrose81 · 25/09/2012 11:57

Thank you everyone. I feel quite overwhelmed but can see that I obviously didn't over react. Things are calmer now and I he has been really upset as I pointed out that his temper could affect our DD. Not sure what next steps are really. i know I should leave but just taking it one step at a time. I won't put up with this anymore (I have forgiven too many times, but never forgotten) and he knows that. Thank you all for your comments and support. It's very reassuring and I know that you are all absolutely right in what you say

OP posts:
Lueji · 25/09/2012 12:21

BTW, the first time I really saw ex for the mean man he is was when we got a kitten for DS and how he treated it.
I think I'd have kicked him out if he had thrown it across the room to hit a door.

In fact, I think I remember him asking if I'd leave because of the cat and I didn't say no.

It's just that it shows what's inside so well.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 25/09/2012 12:24

If he would do that to a cat it won't be long til you or ur dd r next!!! Throw his stuff out in bags and change the licks. Or go, as far away from
Him as possible. Now!!

waltermittymissus · 25/09/2012 12:45

briarrose I know that it's a huge scary decision and I know it's easier to stay but you need to think about getting away from this man.

He's NOT upset. He's ACTING upset to keep you with him. It's a script. Please don't be one of the people who fall for it.

hmmmmm · 25/09/2012 12:57

Yes they're calm for now.

Mypopcornface · 25/09/2012 13:35

He doesn't want to leave as he promised does him? So that is the only reason he is calm for now. Did you apologise to him??

Dryjuice25 · 25/09/2012 14:23

His physical violence will be directed to you and dc very soon. Let him go, call him up on his bluff. Horrible horrible man.

Jux · 25/09/2012 15:42

Be ready all the time to call 999. Keep your phone charged and in credit, keep it with you always. If he shows the smallest sign of kicking off, phone the cops.

Please call WA now, while everything's quiet, and tell them what you've told us, and more if you feel like it. Call the police and ask for the DV Unit and tell them what you've told us. Ask them to log it, and ask for advice. Get yourself on the list of people they respond to immediately, so that when you need them - and you will - they won't hang about.

Good luck. You're doing well; think of the life you could be living without the ever-present danger hanging about. Think of your dd growing up in a home where dad is likely to go apeshit over anything; in contrast with her growing up in a home where you and she can relax, feel secure, and just have fun.

cestlavielife · 25/09/2012 15:57

remember that bullies and abusve people do not act like this 24/7. tey y to suck you in with being nic. it is called cylce of abuse.
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm

damaging objects, hurtng the cat -is all designed to keep you in check it says "be good because you could be next this is what i am capable of".

OneMoreChap · 25/09/2012 16:16

It's all lack of control. I'd be glad to see the back of him, was I you.

mummytime · 25/09/2012 16:18

He is now being nice, as abusers aren't always agressive.

If someone had seen him throw the cat and called the RSPCA, the RSPCA would have called the Police/Social Services if they had seen a child was there. Abusing animals is a short step before abusing children/partners. I wouldn't be sure it wouldn't be classified as abuse of your DD in its own right. You need to protect her.