It's not looking good, is it?

[fancyfilomena]

Hello, first time poster here, so thanks in advance for any advice.

BF of nine months is devastated after we found out I was pregnant last week. We were using rhythm/withdrawal methods, so perhaps not most secure method, but it's a bit of a shock nonetheless.
The problem is that he feels we have barely spent enough time together to know we can parent well together. I already have a 5 yo DS who I am bringing up alone (exp moved to Oz). This means we have only ever had one wekeend away on our own, for example. Although BF is brilliant with DS, I have been increasingly feeling that he is reluctant for us to move in together as he would be taking on a de facto parent role.

When we met BF said he did want children, but only when the time was right. He feels he can't support me financially at the moment and that there are still too many things he needs to achieve in life (despite nearly turning 40).

I said I was prepared to have an early medical abortion if he was able to thoroughly support me through it and we could plan another pregnancy in a year's time.

He feels that I would not cope well with an abortion, as I don't really want one and it would ruin our relationship. I think he's probably right. But I'm not sure our relationship will flourish with the stress of an unplanned pregnancy, given how he's not ready.

It's basically not looking good, is it? I am either staring down the barrel of an abortion and breakup or another single pregnancy and a break up. Am I a total idiot to pray for a 'let's see how we get on' and it all working out in the end? He says he loves me and does not want us to split up, but he has also told me the pregnancy has 'put him right off sex', so isn't exactly being very loving and tender right now :(

Well we'd decided to try for a kid, and a few weeks later we had a positive test, so I suppose there wasn't much of a gap between 'let's try' and 'we've done it'

I think as a father it doesn't seem that real until your partner starts to look pregnant, if that makes sense? Before then you have a notion of a child, but nothing physical to go on, so I found myself with all the worries without any of the joy, or even excitement IYSWIM. It was stressful in a way I find myself unable to really explain.

I guess by the time DP was clearly and obviously pregnant (the kid was 10lb so it was very obvious) I felt ready but I was always a bit tetchy about feeling the kicks and stuff if I'm honest because it was more of a frustrating tease than a pleasurable feeling of being close to the baby. Plus I'm really squeamish.

And then she was born and came to live at our house and everything that had previously seemed like a bit of a waste of time seemed like a total waste of time, and everything that had previously made some sense now made perfect sense, and I went out and bought a dress and put her in it and said to people "This is [the kid] and she's my daughter" and it gave me goosebumps to say it then and it does now. Whatever happens, let him be at the birth. It could be important to all of you.

I.ll also chip in that this happened to a good friend of mine, they had been dating 6 months. After the pair of them having huge wobbles they went ahead, are on baby 3 now and emigrated. Very happy. You will get a mixed bag of outlooks on here but remember that many people do make their relationships work and it's not all doom and gloom as many of the threads in this area can be sometimes.

I am a firm believer in thinking positive. Just because this pregnancy is unplanned means you will end up on your own and you won't stay together, look forward not back, just because one relationship failed does not mean this one will. He's in shock right now, you both need support and to talk to each other. Keep talking.

He sounds a bit of an idiot, tbh. Doesn't want a child but happy to play russian roulette with contraception?

I wonder though, if he might just need a little more time to adjust to this news, since you said you only found out last week? As far as I know, you can have a medical termination up to 8 weeks, so would it be worth booking in for it a little later and just seeing how things progress between the two of you as the news sinks in? He might be in a completely different mindset in a couple more weeks, or he might not.

Also, have you asked him exactly what he wants, exactly what he would do if the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy or not was resting completely on his shoulders?

You have both been highly irresponsible wrt contraception

Now the inevitable consequences of that are coming to fruition, you need to decide for yourself whether you want to keep the baby

Anything else is incidental at this point, isn't it ?

In my defence, yes, we were highly irresponsible re contraception, but until 3 months ago I was on cezerette and I don't believe I'm the only woman on here who was a) denied less awful brands of pill simply bc I was over 35 b) had an absolutely fucking terrible time on cezerette.

Once hormonal contraception is ruled out, you really are left with the condom/withdrawal/rhythm methods.

We didn't use condoms this month and got caught out. Stupid. But there is a dearth of contraceptive options and contraceptive bashing doesn't seem to recognise this.

give over

You are pregnant because both of you took risks. Don't dress it up any other way. Now you have to decide what to do about it, and it's not a decision I envy you. Personally, I would have made a damn sight more sure that I wasn't in this position in the first place.

That just looks like I am berating you un-necessarily because what is done is done, but fgs, take at least 50% responsibilty for it.

For future reference, there's the copper coil. Non-hormonal and more than 99% effective, with no possibility of 'user error'.

btw, if you decide to keep the baby I would be first to congratulate you

and if you decide to not to go ahead, I would be first to commiserate over a glass of wine

There is also the cap - we used it for years without any "accidents" and we are very, erm, fertile! Meaning that I got pregnant straight away each time I stopped using contraception.

thanks, AF

and thanks Cinna and Gurl I will indeed look into the copper coil and the cap, tho i'm pretty squeamish (tho obv they're both preferable to abortion/single parenthood).

Hey ho. Well, if there are any developments, I'll let y'all know. At the moment I've booked the appt for next Monday, but I'm thinking of re-scheduling til Friday. I'd still be under 6 weeks but it gives us a bit more time to talk...

the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy or not is far from resting completely on his shoulders, Agatha.

Whatever the OP decides is the equivalent of a done deal. His only choice in the matter amounts to take it or leave it and it's to be hoped he learns how to buy and use condoms avoid similar situations occurring in the future.

40yo and no dc to date? For a Russian roulette player he's led a charmed life but, unsurprisingly, one woman bullet has brought about his undoing.

I'm aware of that izzy, but if it was me in that situation, I think I would be interested in his response.

From what the OP has said, Agatha, he made it clear he didn't want to live with her and her dc and the fact that he isn't exactly being very loving and tender right now should tell her all she needs to know about his 'response'.

At 40yo this man believes there are still too many things he needs to achieve in life before he grows up ends his hedonistic lifestyle and it very much seems, again based on what the OP has said, as if he was halfway out the door before the bombshell dropped.

I agree that your decision has to be about you not him. What do you want? He will do what he does and it will be a bonus if he turns out to be supportive. What has worked for other people is not a good yardstick. Even with relationships that start out in the very best of terms the divorce rate is still 40%.

He is probably right you do not know each other well enough. He is not ready. Expecting him to man up is the same thing as saying lets just try it and hope for the best. After a few years he may have enough.

I have a lot of great male friends and it is awkward when I go parties or dinners and meet their partners. Because I hear over and over how they get "talked into it or trapped". A lot of say they are keeping face and biding their time until the kids are old enough and in school. A couple even have outside relationships from sites for married men! It isn't their wives or kids they are keeping up the facade for either.

Mostly they talk about their parents, siblings and friends that are proud of them who they would be disappointing if they said it was a sham. They want the respectability and image "of the guy who does the right thing".

Better to listen now and be clear what you want from him. Whatever happens it should be honest and authentic.

Once you start playing house and pretending things can get worse. Personally I think it is much more devastating when the end comes "out of the blue" 5-7 years in. Wasting all that time with a ticking time bomb.

And confused by the cerazette comments. If it really wasn't working for you then what happened when you returned to gp for alternative solutions? Cerazette in my pct is difficult to get as it is expensive so you are offered everything but.

anyway all the best with your decision. just go with yourself. I was married v unhappily when fell pregnant with dc3 and just went with what my own feelings told me. a few days with peace and thinking time. just take care of yourself.