It Is Abusive Isn't It? Please Help Me

[13YearsOn]

I have namechanged for this as my partner knows I use Mumsnet and don?t want to be outed to him as I think he knows my normal NN. This is going to be very long, and rambling but I really need some help. I am 45, DD has just turned 2 and I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years.

I have, for a while, thought things were not right. It has now got to the point where his behaviour sometimes affects DD moods, so is now no longer acceptable. I have recently started keeping notes of his behaviour and I have put some of them down here. This is both emotional and financial abuse isn?t it?

I am going to CAB today, to see what help if any I can get in the short term until I can get a job again. I am trying to make an appointment with the housing people for the same thing. I?m also trying to get some money together but this is difficult (when I do a car boot sale he insists we go out for lunch and I pay with the proceeds). I need to sell my motorbike, which we have been discussing for a while and I?m hoping I can put this off until I move out and can get it away, otherwise he will sell it ?for me? and put the money in ?our savings account? (read his).

I can?t change child benefit payment details until we have moved out, as this is currently paid into a savings account for DD which only he has access to so he will know if I change it.

He will stop paying me the ?allowance? I am lucky to get from him as soon as I walk out the door. I know that he will have to contribute to DD?s care but will likely have to fight for this. Not because he won?t want to do it, but he will think that if he ?gives? me no money I will have no choice but to go back to him.

I know where he keeps most documents, so when he is next out I will be scanning them onto my PC. I can get certificates, passports etc with no problem.

His redeeming feature, he loves our DD (he?s not very handson but absolutely adores her) and this is the main reason I have not done anything in the past, but it is now getting too much.

DD very upset and crying due to change in routine as first day at nursery. I forgot to turn off monitor. He would not take DD and calm her down so I could get dressed. Threw baby monitor length of landing and slammed doors. Got home from nursery just after 9am and he was acting like nothing happened. No apology.

Wants to put GPS tracking on my phone so he knows where I am.

Coming back from his parents car pulled out in front of us. P tailgated with hand on horn for about 1/2 mile. At roundabout cut right across driver and stopped. If other driver had not stopped he would have hit car where DD sits. Other driver drove round us so P got in front of him and braked hard to about 20 mph. All the while shouting at me because I asked him to stop. Got a barrage of verbal abuse about not supporting him. All the while I was trying to calm C who was frightened and upset. Then drove the final 15 miles too fast so D and I were rattled around in the car. In addition to this not being acceptable DD and I had been involved in a quite serious car accident only 6 weeks previously (we were mostly unhurt but DD is a bit nervous still).

Wants the money DD and I received after a car accident to be transferred into his account so he knows where it is.

Also very clear that all money is his because he works and I don't and I am lucky that he gives me an allowance. It is also his house as is everything in it. Of which I am reminded on a regular basis. He owns the house and has never wanted to add my name to it.

Telling me that none of our joint friends like me.

Whenever I do something he doesn't like he brings up my business failure. I had my own business which due to economic pressures I had to close ? this was 4 years ago.

Won't let my friends come & stay.

This is a bit petty, but does sum things up. Standing by drawer where clean teatowels are and berating me for 5 minutes for not getting out a clean one and standing over me until I did it.

Lost my debit card recently. Been cancelled but transaction went through that left me with no money when out shopping for food. P lent me £50. Money was back in my account next day and I had to pay him straight back.

Going on and on about things he wants me to do not getting done immediately. "I shouldn't have to keep asking you". Usually it's something he could do himself. But if I ask him to do something and it doesn?t get done, it?s because he?s too busy trying to keep a roof over our heads (he has a very good, secure job and works from home).

We did ?have a talk? about a week ago, during which I told him how I felt and that I had never been so unhappy in my life. This of course is my fault and if I did things right/his way etc I would be happy.

He has made some effort, but not much. He actually did some washing up and washing over the weekend. But then decided that the things he wanted to do HAD to be done on Saturday when the weather was good, and I could do the gardening on Sunday (despite knowing the weather was going to change). The jobs he wanted to do were all indoors. What he actually meant was that he did not want to spend the time alone with DD (the bit of garden I needed to work on is a very steep, terraced bank, which is not safe for DD to be on and she frets if left alone at the bottom). I am also supposed to be really grateful that he did these things ?for me?.

There are more things but I think this is quite long enough. Am I doing the right things? Is there anything else I need to be doing? I have already told my GP as I am on ADs because of all this. We are not physically in danger so I am planning slowly and carefully, but if that changes we can just shoot out the door to my DMs but he will know that is where we are.

Ladies, you're all fantastic thankyou. My plan of action is:

1. Go to see CAB to make an appointment - was unable to get there today.
2. Taking all my posh/evening clothes to a dress exchange tomorrow which should realise quite a lot of cash.
3. I've dug out a load of my old, expensive clothes that don't fit anymore and am putting them up on ebay (got a new account & using friend's address).

4.Will call Women's Aid as soon as I can.

1. Over the next few weeks, I'll box up and get to my Mum's as much stuff as I can.
2. I'm going to see if I can "lend" my motorbike to a friend who can keep it safe until I can sell it (this will bring in about £3500).
3. I own 25% of a small business that I will be "cashing in" but this may take a while but could generate about 10 - 15k.
4. We are a 2 car family and the family car is worth about 15k too. I will take this and talk to a solicitor about whether or not I can sell it as it is in his name but is the car I use.

So, in a few months I will be very financially stable - certainly compared to many others here who have had to leave under similar circumstances. This money will enable me to put a sizeable deposit on a house as soon as I get a job.

I have been in a position of being completely penniless before and do not wish to be in the same position again if I can help it.

My plan is to leave by the end of November, if not sooner. I want to sort out as much as I can before I go. I am just about coping by not disagreeing with anything and trying to be pleasant and "pleasing". This works for me at present as it means I can get stuff done without any suspicion. It also means the atmosphere at home is pleasant for DD.

I'll try to keep updating as and when I can, as this is serving as a good reminder of how bad he actually is, despite the fact that he is being nice and pleasant at the moment. I do know it will not last, as it never has.

I think that I did not realise it was abuse earlier in the relationship as he always painted it as "looking after me" and I believed it for a while as it just felt great to let someone else take over for a while.

About his upbringing. His behaviour is nothing to do with his parents. His brother is completely different. His Mum and I are quite close and she has been talking recently saying that he has always been a bully. He now acts the same with them and if it wasn't for DD (their only grandchild) and I they would cease all contact with him. They have said that if I do decide to leave they will support me as much as they can (although I couldn't do this as partner may wish to try to resurrect his relationship with them).

Gosh, another long one. Sorry.... actually no I'm not sorry. I am not going to be sorry anymore. I will just say thank you all for listening to my ranting. It feels very carthatic. And thank you, thank you for all the advice.

OK. Don't be paralysed too much by worrying about the money. It might be a matter of getting your mum or a friend round to simply load up the car and take the sellable clothing away, then packing a bag, picking up DD and departing. You will not lose your rights and financial stake in the family home; you may even be able to get court orders in place that allow you and DD to go back and live there while he is forbidden to come near the place (but still legally bound to pay the mortgage - though this depends on a variety of factors best discussed with a solicitor).
I think you need to plan for an emergency exit ie within days because once shitbags like him detect rebellion (and they are often very cunning) you could be in serious danger and he sounds like the sort of man who will destroy your possessions, both to distress you and to cut off another source of money for you. So be on the lookout for 'accidental' damage to your clothes and/or giving them all to charity, for instance.

Wow sounds like you've thought this through thoroughly! Its a bonus that you have those financial assets.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. That you have to be secretive is very sad.

You are very smart though and I imagine that you will do very well once you are through the leaving/settling into new place part.

All the best OP. x

My love, it really is very serious abuse, butyour eyes are opened now, you are here, we are here, and will be for.as.long.as you need.us.

Please dont back down, getting out the next time will only be harder, you have the best.chance you have now, when you have momentum.

I know it's frightening, we all know how it feels, but please, know that once you are out, you will realise it was so very easy.actually, that all you have to do is to take a single step, then one more, and another.

Many of us have made those steps alone, in the middle of the.night. you're not going to do it that way, you're not alone.

Can't really add much but just wanted to add my voice in support.

A very non-patronising well done to you for seeing it, recognising it and ACTING on it to get out for your own and DD's safety. It is a huge step and a hard one to guide people toward but I promise you you will be repaid everyday by watching the change in your child.

You said in your op that 'it is affecting DD now so it is no longer acceptable' - it was never, ever acceptable - you are and always have been worth very much more than that.

I echo SGB - take heed. Do tell your dad. Don't stay a single day longer than you have to. See a solicitor but at the end of the day if it the legalities that are holding you back be aware in cases with a spouse that is so abusive delaying for legal matters often ends in a Pyrrhic victory.

Seriously, being able to handle or manage the abuse (by doing exactly what they want) can lead to a false sense of security or, in extremis, a complete dissolution of resolve to change the status quo - feeling you can manage the situation is actually not the same as managing it. Get out and then deal with things from a place of absolute safety.

Sweetheart this is nasty domestic violence. Don't hang about planning. When you go to the shops call at the childrens centre locally as they have toddler groups which he may be less suspicious of. They will have the number for DV support. The refuge will put you up where he cannot reach you, they usually are self contained flats which are really nice, friendly staff who are supportive. You can contact the helpline and they should give you a local number to phone. They will help with housing and benefits until you can get back into work. They will ask if it is safe to contact you via mobile. www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CP2N0syZz7ICFYcKfAod_R4AzQ
They will help with legal advice, if you have been with him for 10 years and living together over 5 then you are legally entitled to half of everything regardless of who's name is on what. I would report the DV to the police as it is dangerous. They may convene a MARAC which is a multi agency meeting to assess the risk to you and dd, this may result in them evicting him from the property and an injunction/ restraining order being placed on him if he comes near you he will be arrested. Please leave him xx
Pick a time, pack a bag with essentials and keep it somewhere safe, collect your documents together. Keep it somewhere safe until you can leave i.e. on a trip to the supermarket/ shop. If you can't drive get a taxi to collect as you will have a witness and he is less likely to kick off/ you have a witness if he does. If you feel threatened phone the police on 999.

Standing by drawer where clean teatowels are and berating me for 5 minutes for not getting out a clean one and standing over me until I did it this is the bit that sent shivers up my spine.

OP, listen to solid and others, don't hang about and be very very careful.

Your an amazing lady op. So pleased your recognising all the signs oh his controlling behaviour towards you. He is a classic head games, financial controlling bully!

Good luck and very well done, be proud of yourself