I guess I'll be flamed, but HOW do u co-parent with an angry ex with Aspergers?

[mrsasp]

His Aspgergers means he can't see that our son is upset. He will discipline him when he's unhappy or upset..
He insists on 50/50 contact. Our son is quite frightened of him.
He doesn't do any homework, wash him, meet his medical needs, keep him safe. The safety issue is random; he can be safe with him for weeks at a time then do something random that you'd never predict, like leave him in the kitchen with a small fire raging on the cooker....
He's so angry and so bullying; I daren't take him to court. He says he'll slaughter me.

It could be the case with AS your ex may need to do a parenting course to learn the rules of parenting safely etc but emotions will be tough one to teach and Theory of Mind!

However threatening behaviour, bullying and anger may be because of something else? this is damaging your ds this contact. Does he have PR? Does ex have court order for 50/50 contact. If no to these just stop contact. Not meeting ds needs also may be seen as neglect.

I would contact NAS for advice and NSPCC also. Also Family Rights Group are excellent for advice.

Teach your child to use 'record' on his phone.

When his Dad kicks off, he needs to surreptitiously record it.

Thanks for advice. My ds doesn't have a phone but I may get him one....

I feel so guilty that I can't protect him. And it seems going to court might not go my way. It's such a huge risk!

You need to separate out the issues here. First of all, your ex doesn't yet have a diagnosis of AS. He may not be. He may just be a git. My ex-H is a git & can be very unkind to DS & he definitely doesn't have AS.

Secondly, no one gets "slaughtered" in court! That is bollox & he is just trying to frighten you.

Thirdly, of course your son's wishes will be taken into consideration in any legal process.

You should get some legal advice & also consider an approach to social services, if you believe your son is at risk when with his father. I agree that giving your son a phone would also be a good idea.

what are your ds medical needs and in what way are they not being met?

the aspegers is red herring - focus on specific incidents and what he does. doesnt matter whether he aspergers or not.

its not the Asperger's Syndrome. He's an arse. My ex has Asperger's Syndrome and although communicating with him very, very difficult at times he is a good dad and looks after the boys.

Def get legal advice

"Co-parenting" sounds nice, but only if two, responsible caring parents who can at least provide a basic care of love and care.

If one of them is in such a place that they frighten their own child, is angry and bullying and neglectful (all at once ) well the parent that is sane and loving (in this case you) has a primary responsibility to their child and to protect their child. I am not sure how you can do this - through social services, legal means, etc - but it is perfectly right for you to do this to protect your son.

If he has said he will slaughter you he is also very abusive to you. Do what you need for you and your son to get safe. I know its a sad and difficult situation but it is in your power to try to change it, good luck.

Thanks everyone. I have been trying to change things slowly. But am meeting a few brick walls. Sorry have been absent. Been struggling day to day.
DS's medical needs are not life threatening but ex DH ignoring them does make life harder for DS; he has pain when that pain could be avoided if DH did what was needed. He has two conditions, both need parents to play an active role in managing them.
He's very scared of ex, as am I. It makes it hard to act.
School haven't noticed anything which is a shame as they could be a big help.
I wasn't sure if they take DS' views into account in court as he's so young. Lawyers say they may or they may not. And am not sure DS would speak up as he's scared.