"I love you" What's normal?

[nomoreiloveyous]

My last partner (DS's dad) was overly affectionate and quite smothering, he said "I love you" all.the.time. Ultimately he was a cheat and so it was clear to me that saying I love you and gushing all the time meant jack shit.

Of course my next partner (current partner of 5 years, we live together) was an antidote to that. The strong, silent type. Very few compliments and "I love yous" But they were all heartfelt when they did come. And when they did, I was like a little child being given a treat. Sad really, on reflection.

So it's now been 6 weeks since the last time. Which was, I think, only because I said it and he said it back. Beofe that it was a month previous, after an arguement and the context was "We'll make this work... I love you"

I feel stupid even asking this. It sounds so needy and ridiculous. But what exactly is normal?! Is 10/12 times a year what ther people do?? I don't want to be one fo those couples that say "love you" flippantly at the end of every phone call - but when we discussed it a few years back we both said that it was nicer to hear it when it was really felt rather than just out of habit. I stand by that but I wish that he "really felt" a bit more often.

I say it more tha him but to be honest I've stopped now as I feel needy and daft.

You're right, I've nought to lose from talking about it have I. But he is a good man and I feel like I'm telling him to change or that he's not good enough. Maybe I should settle for the fact that I have a loyal man and not go chasing passion...

Mine never tells me. He used to in the early days. Never says I look nice either.

Makes me not feel loved too.

I used to be the one to carry it on and say it, and he would say it back, but after a while, I just stopped saying it too. I don't do one-sided.

My ex was same as yours, OP, always said it, and he meant it.

DP tells me every day. Spontaneously. It's lovely. He's very good at talking about how he feels though. I call him a soppy git and don't say it nearly as much. He acts it too, lots of affection and nice gestures like running candlelit bubble baths for me, or bringing me little gifts when he goes away or out somewhere nice without me.

My friend is with someone who can't express his feelings at all. She told me that what he does is put on a song with meaningful lyrics whenever he wants to say something to her, or apologise for something. This struck me as sad but comical at the same time. I think she would much prefer him to be more vocal but he's got serious repression issues.

Normal for my ex: 3 times in 15 years (2 of those after I ended it)

Normal for me and DP: we tell each other several times a day, every day. The first time is when he wakes me to say goodbye in the morning and the last time is when we are in bed at night. It also ends every phone call and is the subject of many texts.

I think DP probably says it to me unprompted about once a month. I guess I'd like it to be more often. But he's not a talker so the frequency feels sort of right TBH. Inbetween him actually saying it, there are moments that feel like an "I love you" without any words actually being said, like when he looks into my eyes with a certain expression on his face and strokes my face, or when he comes up behind me when I'm cooking and holds me really tight. We've been together for 3 years.

OP, I think your conclusion on the first page was right, that it's feeling loved, rather than just hearing the words, that matters. But you should talk to your DP about it, I think. Maybe he thinks he is putting across certain feelings, but in reality they're not evident to you? You don't have to accuse him of anything or tell him he has to change, just concentrate on telling him how you feel, i.e. insecure and not sure of his love for you. If he loves you, he'll want to reassure you and show that love.

Seems immaterial to me how often one gets told. Regularly would suggest habit to me and would not make me believe it all the more. Actions always speak louder than words. Affectionate touching, holding hands when walking side by side, a knowing glance and mutual respect and doing things for each other -these things count far more than mere words. If those things aren't there then the words are meaningless.

Carlywurly - a song with meaningful lyrics being put on would be a million times more than anything I get. And as for being held tight when I cook or having my face stroked - forget it!!

But he really is such a good man. I contemplated an affair but it's just not right and not really me. I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to see out my days in a cold marriage.

I have told him before how it makes me feel but he is set in his ways and I don't think he can change. That's why I feel like if I keep raising it then I'm beating him with a stick constantly, the poor man.

As I say though, if I'm going to leave anyway I should give it one last go.

I think you should talk to him about it. If you're really not feeling loved then you should say.

I am a very affectionate person; I tell my family I love them all the time, because every time I see or speak to them, i genuinely feel love, and also my best friend. My DH tells me he loves me all the time, several times a day. He does not cook AT ALL. He shows his love more with words, physical touch, and letting me know he's thinking about me etc. I am the same back. Sometimes we'll just be sitting watching TV and we will tell each other "I love you". I could not live without that as I am a very emotional person, as is he.

I think OP that you are the type of person that likes to show and express and verbalise your love, but you are not getting what you need in terms of expression of love from your DP. Therefore, I don't think it's about what's normal but what YOU need emotionally from your relationship.

So I think you need to have a chat with him. Sorry for the long post!!!

Also, if you've contemplated having an affair, maybe the relationship has just run it's course, or, you've been unfulfilled emotionally for so long but nothing has been done about it...

we say it to each other many times a day as we do to the DC. It's just what we say.

Dh hardly ever says it, except occasionally during sex. He does not say it to the children either.

But he is a man of action, not words. There is no doubting his commitment to the marriage and children. He is a Taurus.

oh and we have been together for 24 years and have always loved each other like the wolf! DH is a soppy Libra, he wells up about anything and everything. Far more emotional than me. I am a hard hearted Capricorn! BUT we have told each other how much we love each other 8 times a day aprox for the last 24 years.......

Hmmm actions speak louder than words.

He can say it 100 times a week but it means nothing to me because of the vile shite he spouts when we fall out.

Actions speak louder than words

I hardly ever say it because I just feel awkward. Doesn't mean I don't love him. This also explains why we're not married, despite him asking me repeatedly - because public declarations of love terrify me. You shouldn't call time on a relationship just because he doesn't demonstrate love - he might be as socially inept as me. Question is, do you love him enough to work through this?

I don't know. In my last relationship I would have given anything for such a loyal and honest man. Now I have that, I want affection too. Last night he put his arm round me when he got in to bed and it felt so wonderfully alien - surely it shouldn't feel like all my christmases come at once when my partner puts his arm around me in bed should it?!?! And it turned out he only wanted sex anyway. Nice.

I now know that if ever he shows me any affection that it is because he wants sex. I mean any at all. Well, other than a kiss goodbye when he goes out because I told him once how upset I was that he didn't do so. Now he does it, but it is only becuase I told him too. I know it's an effort.

He is a capricorn, I am a Scorpio...

What's this obsession with star signs? It boils down to you needing affection to be expressed either verbally or non-verbally in order to feel loved. (Normal). He is largely undemonstrative unless he fancies sex.

When you told him that you were upset because he didn't kiss you good bye that was a good thing. It doesn't make it less valid just because you had to ask. You are entitled to say to an undemonstrative person ... 'To feel secure in a relationship I need to be shown more affection, told I am loved (etc etc) and not just as a precursor to sex'. They will think you are happy otherwise.

If you say this and he responds by making more of an effort then it's win-win. If you say nothing resentment will build up. If you've already had enough of the relationship, end the relationship.

Another multiple times a day here. Would seem really odd to go for a few days without hearing or saying it. We tell our children that daily too.

I only mentioned star signs as others were. But saying that, we both fit in to our star descriptions almost perfectly.

I wish it was as easy as "if youve had enough of the relationship" I've had enough of some parts, but not all... I don't think. I guess I feel that to ask him to be an affectionate demonstrative person is as big an ask as him telling me not to be. He would make an effort for a while but ultimately, he won't keep it up.

I am strangely shocked at how it varies after reading this thread. I know.every relationship is different so I'm not entirely sure why I'm shocked tbh.

DH tells me every day he loves me and is really affectionate - puts a mug with a tea bag and sugar in before he leaves for work and boils the kettle so I can get a my tea quicker in the morning and buys me a bar of chocolate if he knows I've been hankering after something in particular etc.

I probably say it less than he does but I know he feels loved by the things that I do for him. We always say it before we go to sleep at night and I tell the DCs at least 5 times a day because I was brought up in a loving, demonstrative family.

I agree with those who have said it doesn't matter how many times a day/week/month you hear it, it's whether you feel loved is ultimately what counts.

a kiss goodbye when he goes out because I told him once how upset I was that he didn't do so. Now he does it, but it is only becuase I told him too. I know it's an effort.

it's an effort he is making for you - presumably because he has feelings for you or maybe even loves you

You could always ask him? "Do you love me?", "yes, why?", "just checking as you don't say or show me very often and when I hear it it makes me happy..."

He obviously isn't going to spontaneously start spouting words of passion tomorrow without someone pointing the way.

My DH is very needy and likes to be told every day, sometimes I forget, sometimes I wind him up but mostly I tell him because it makes him happy. I couldn't give a monkey's, I know he loves me by the way he looks at me, respects me and is my partner in life.