Husband wants nothing to do with our newborn baby

[PinkPeach]

My husband and I had IVF and I gave birth to our baby girl 11 days ago. We spent 5 days in hospital as she had breathing problems when born. Throughout the pregnancy my husband wan't interested at all, even though he'd wanted the IVF. We've had a lot of stresses with trying to move house and other various life problems which have been going on for months since we conceived, but when she was born he seemed happy and wanted us home.

The first night he couldn't cope with her crying and slept downstairs, but did help out in the day. However, Wednesday night she cried again and he got angry and slept in the living room. His mother is staying with us until 27th to help us out. I've ended up sharing a bed with her since as he's made me feel so bad that he couldn't stay in our bed because of the baby crying. Ridiculous I know.

Thursday morning he was really angry and tired and has said he's not cut out for this. He said he won't cope with the tiredness once he goes back to work on Monday (even though he's always been a really bad sleeper). He made a comment that I'd have to deal with the baby and take me with her if I left as he wants nothing to do with her - I'm not sure if he was implying I should leave or if he will leave us.

I feel absolutely sick that this is happening and am petrified of his mum having to go home as I'm not sure if he will be worse when she is gone.

He hasn't even looked at the baby since whereas until Wednesday night he was feeding her etc despite being tired. I'm very concerned that this isn't just a bad day as he's got a history of being moody and wanting the attention on him. I'm not sure what he expected of a new baby but he was supposed to become a full time stay at home dad in January when I go back to work. Now I'm not sure that he will cope or even want to do this anymore. This then makes me worry about how we'll pay the mortgage if I then end up looking after the baby.

We are due to move house within a couple of weeks and have borrowed money from our parents to do this. I'm worried we will move and he will then leave me or refuse to contribute to what we need to pay our families back.

Please, please can anyone give any advice on this? I'm scared to tell my parents about his behaviour because of the money they've loaned us and and also because I know they will worry sick. My mum is a big worrier and I'd hate to see her stressing, as previosly when we had a problems a few years ago before getting married I could see how much my problems affected her. So far all I've said is that he's not coping, they don't know he's said he doesn't want her. I've also told my midwife the same and she said to get him to a GP, which I know he won't do.

My baby is the priority but I don't know how to deal with him being like this. If I challenge his behaviour it WILL make things worse from my past experience and asking him to leave is not an option - he is very stubborn and wouldn't ever leave if asked. I want our relationship to work and for us to be a family but my hopes for this are being dashed. I never thought this would happen to me and am extremely embarassed as my friends want to see the baby but there is no way I can invite them over with him being like this.

He has been diagnosed with ME (after we had the IVF) and I realise that can cause emotional difficulties but today he told someone on facebook they could have our baby. When she said to him that was a nasty thing to say he said 'I mean it!!!!'

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before? I'm sick with worry and could do with some advice about how to deal with this.

Although he is undoubtedly being a major idiot, it is very early days. It's sad that he's behaving so badly, but it may just be the shock.
I have a very kind gently husband who behaved like a selfish git for the first 3 weeks of our daughter's life. It was completely out of character for him (although he wasn't nearly as bad as your husband.)
Anyway, it took him a while to fall in love with our daughter, but from the time she was 3 months old, he was fantastic, and still is. I think it was such a major life-change for him, and it took him a while to come to terms with it.

I think as women we have the hormones to bond us to our babies, and men have to learn to love them, so it can take a while.

I wonder what would happen if you did invite friends over. You say that you just couldn't, with him behaving like this. But maybe he'd pull his socks up in front of visitors.
Best of luck - it may get better.

What did his mother say about all this? I'm assuming she must have noticed that this was going on. Are they close? If you are worried about his reaction to you, could she talk to him?

What you've said about his history of moods and attention-seeking behaviour makes it sound as though this isn't simply a case of PND/delayed bonding, though I guess those factors could exacerbate preexisting issues.

I'm also a bit concerned that you describe him as "getting angry" about the baby crying. How does this manifest? Do you feel safe, physically?

I agree with the poster who said that you should not leave your DH alone with your new baby.

Until you find out if this is more serious than him being a selfish loser (and I think it sounds as if it'a something more serious than that), then you should not leave him alone with the baby. You don't know how your DH will react with a crying baby, not knowing how to soothe the baby, being tired etc. He may shake the baby out of frustration, resentment, despair. You never know.

You need to let his mother know what is happening...

If his mother is staying with you, surely she has noticed his behaviour? Why isn't she giving him a kick up the arse?

Congrats on your baby-no advice, don't like sound of your dh from post, wouldn't' go ahead with move and would begin along plans to separate-because from your op this behaviour Is not new and because you sound a bit afraid . Best of luck

He's no better today unfortunatley and has even childishly listed himself as single on facebook - after having thrown his wedding ring at me last night and said it's over. This obviously is upsetting but I cant really think about it right now, he's being a baby as far as I'm concerned. I have no idea why he seems to be directing his anger at me. I don't think he'd physically hurt me but seems content to pick at me emotionally which isn't good.

His mum knows everyhting and has tried to talk to him but he shuts down and says she shouldn't tell him how to feel. My dad wanted to give him a piece of his mind but I asked him not to as it will make things worse for me I think once mother in law goes home.

He told his mum that he's cancelling the sale of house which is probably a good thing, but hasn't mentioned anything to me about it yet.

I'm really not sure if he's just a nasty man, has a mental health issue, postnatal depression or is overwhelmed. He doesn't cope well with stress so I've no idea which is more likely and can only hope this doesn't go on too long as I've no idea how to start soring it out. I know he'd never leave and I'm not sure then where I stand in regard to my mortgage/job etc.

Thanks for all your replies so far, I really do appreciate you taking time to respond.

I have ME and managed to have a baby, breast feed her every 3 hrs day and night, stay up with her till 2 in the morning every night for a while until her sleep patterned settled, all with a 5 yr old son as just starting school.
I managed by resting/ sleeping whenever I got a chance. All your DH has to do really is go to work and help out a bit, I think he's being very selfish. If he's feeling like he can't cope it could be the ME but he has to communicate that to you. At the moment he just sounds like a spoilt child. How does his mum deal with him?

You cannot and should not live like this. You sound frightened of him?
You need someone alongside you helping you reject this behaviour.

This is not acceptable and must not be tolerated. You need to identify why you are tolerating it... fear? acceptance that this is your 'lot' ? not knowing where to turn or what to do next.

Be clear in your own mind - it has to stop.

If he wants to stay he must see his GP. If he won't I would make an appointment with a solicitor for free 30minutes advice on where you stand.

Keep talking to that midwife/GP/HV and be very open. You have nothing to hide and lots of help needed

I'm afraid it doesn't sound good. This is the last thing you should be worrying about after the birth of your lovely DD, but I would explore all financial options if I were you.
Could a friend or relative stay with you after your MIL leaves? If you have a good relationship with her I would also tell her everything, make sure she knows where things stand.

I think you need to listen to what he says, both in word and action.

You need to urgently find a way to keep you and your baby safe when MIL goes. Can you ask her to stay until you have found somewhere else to live, or have gone to your parents?

He behaves like a very angry man.

I am sorry, but I think you need to let the sale of the house go through, but cancel the purchase of the new property.

I second those suggesting you ask someone else to stay with you when your MIL goes, or even better, go stay with your parents. Get away from the stress, it must be doing you no good at all. I remember only too well what it feels like in those first couple of weeks, and the thought of doing it with this extra stress is awful!

He's being very selfish, and maybe it is PND, but the bottom line is that you have to protect yourself right now. Leave, go to your mum's, and let him realise what it will mean if he doesn't want the baby. He might come round in time.

The fact that he was supposed to be the stay at home dad after January suggests that he really hadn't a clue about the effort and emotions which get called on when caring for a new baby.

You could ask him if he plans never to have children, I mean has he thought this through. He sounds totally screwed up - imagine posting that on FB?

Start by talking to HV and GP, maybe they have come across this type of behaviour before and can advise.

Up to the last comment I would have said possible depression but now not so sure as he has gone as far as writing on Facebook. Call his bluff. Tell him to go if that's how he views himself. He's obviously being an arse.

My DH suffered from depression I'm sure of it although no formal diagnosis. He couldn't deal with crying & was crap at helping out when they were newborn but now DS is nearly 2 and DD is 4 months he adores the ground they walk on. I didn't pester him to help at the beginning as I got so fed up of him not doing it but gradually he began to do more and now will happily babysit if I go out (Although haven't left DD yet as breastfeeding). I think he got so stressed by being a dad, money issues and general stuff that it overwhelmed him and even he himself says now that he suffered with depression. I didn't tell my family but spoke to his mum and she helped by talking to him or just bring frank with him!

It does get better :-)

You poor thing. I dont really have any advice, other than you need to protect yourself and your baby from all of this and get help where you can. You do sound frightened and I really dont blame you.

Can you leave to go to your parents? I know thats not always ideal, but it sounds like they are supportive and you really need some help. It might just shock him with how he is behaving.

Perhaps tell the closest of the friends that want to come and see the baby as then you will have some further support, if only on the end of the phone - you need support networks right now.

If i were you I'd ask him to go with his mum when she leaves. Can you get some help from your parents or family? Or could you go to theirs?

There's lots of women on mumsnet who's partners did not react well to having to share attention with a baby. However, this does not mean it is right or that it should be tolerated. If you genuinely think it may be 'male pnd' then tell him to go to the gp before you ask him to leave. I really wouldn't listen to the stories about how men prefer toddlers, five year olds or teenagers because the reasoning behind that just breaks my heart.

My dh works full time in a demanding senior role. However, when I first had ds and when I was on mat leave he did everything he could to help me recover and to help me with ds. You should be the most important people in his life and you deserve nothing less. best wishes

It sounds like depression.

All you calling him names, reverse this and we'd be going on about PND. Men can have mental health problems when babies come too.

I feel really sorry, should be a lovely time for you with baby-could you ask mil to stay for longer, don't like idea of you being alone with no support. Will he talk reasonably to you at all? If not maybe could you spend time with your family?a break Might give you chance to get your thoughts in order and maybe might make him stop and think clearly about things. Enjoy your baby, best of luck

Welcome to Mumsnet PP, glad you made it over here and that you are getting some good advice. Sorry to hear things aren't any better today, you sound a lovely person and you really don't deserve this.

To be frank, if it's such bad depression as to cause behaviour such as this, I wouldn't have thought a brand new mum with a tiny newborn is the right person to offer emotional and practical support to the dh anyway. How could she? She's got enough on her plate.

Did dh cope at work today? If he managed to get through a work day without lashing out then perhaps he can moderate his behaviour when he needs to. If he won't see a gp though then it doesn't matter what the root cause is as if it is depression and he won't accept help then it's unlikely he will just pick up on his own.

You've got to get him out of the house.

Ask his DM for help, explaining that she must take him with her when she goes. Line up someone else to come and stay. Ask his father to come and collect him.

Bad patch or permanent split, he must get out. And stay out for some time.

If he's decided the marriage is over, tell him he has to leave. Get his mother to leave and take him with her. Cancel the sale of the house now, ask your parents to come and visit, ideally have them come to see a solicitor with you.

What you need to do is stop trying to 'win him round' - if this is just throwing a tantrum to get attention, call his bluff. If it's not and he means it, then you need to get your life sorted ASAP, and first thing first, get him out of the house (if he's not supporting/helping you, then all his presence in the family home is doing is screwing with your head).

(And don't leave yourself unless you feel you are in danger, stay in the house, he should be the one to be inconvienced, not you and your DC)

Yes - men can get PND too but that doesn't make it any less upsetting, any less scary/dangerous, any less difficult or any more bearable for the OP. If he refuses to see a GP then OP has to put herself and the baby first and do what she needs to do to keep safe, and to protect her future the best she can, as if he does want to separate (as he claims) and as if he doesn't want anything to do with the baby (as he says - so nastily). She needs to proceed on that basis just in case he's not depressed and just in case this doesn't get resolved through medical treatment .... or else she might find herself on the back foot should he set things in motion which could affect her. Self preservation and all that ...... which is a huge pressure on her right at this time and an absolute nightmare, but I really think she has to protect herself assuming a worst case scenario plays out.

OP .... I'm so so sorry you're having to go through this. As I said before I think being totally honest with as many people who could be a source of support for you is absolutely vital, as is making your midwife aware of absolutely everything he's said and done, no matter how distressing it is to repeat that. You shouldn't feel ashamed to relate this but that kind of detail is important in helping form a diagnosis and getting appropriate help - assuming he's not just a grade A selfish wanker.

I have suffered very badly with depression in the past ( had to take a year off work). I also had PND. Maybe he is depressed, I don't know (not a doctor, can't diagnose on line etc etc). none of us can tell. What we do know is that he is behaving like a selfish nasty arsehole. And yes, depression can cause all sorts, but in my experience is doesn't make you into a horrible bastard (feel like one, yes)

Op, you need to look after yourself and enjoy your lovely baby. How dare he spoil this precious time for you! Tell him if he wants to be single, he needs to move out, maybe he will come to his senses. And if not, you and your baby will be fine, really you will.

This is for sure one heck of a way to shift the emphasis away from wife and newborn baby onto HIMSELF! He has made himself center of attention by being a nasty manipulative shit. He is so jealous of his newborn. His wife and his mum is giving the baby all the attention he previously sought and got, he is filled with rage. He has no other way of highjacking the situation, turning the focus solely on himself, and what will he say or do next. Terrorizing his wife in the process.

His wife is focusing on him now, his mother is focusing on him now, his dad, he even had to involve Facebook and his wider circle of friends. I bet he is basking in the attention, millions of private messages, "oh no, what is up? What is happening with you?" Rather than "Congratulations to you and the wife on the newborn" - That would not be solely about HIM.

I agree you need to ask him to leave with his mum, now that he has ended the marriage.

I'm aware that even seemingly secure and self-assured men can feel left out when a new baby arrives due to less attention. It does not bode well that the OP says he was an attention-seeker before her DD arrived. It concerns me that as well as being nasty about his own flesh and blood that he purposefully created, he seems to be happy to give up so quickly or easily. I'm wondering if he has something or someone to go to, that is helping him to give up on this so lightly