Should have told him to leave at start of divorce - kicking myself

[ChangeOver]

We decided to divorce nearly two years ago (his drinking, lying, dumb spending we couldn't afford - the usual story).

Due to a combination of exH not opening his mail and me having to save for court fees, consent order payments, we're only now approaching the end.

All this time he has been living in the spare room. He has been paying rent but not at market rate. It is at least more than he ever did while we were married. He asked whether I wanted him to move in with his family when we first agreed to divorce. (The house was mine - neither of us claimed anything from the other in the divorce.)

Like an idiot, I said no, because they all live at least 1.5hrs away, we all work long hours and he would never see our young DC. I thought it would be better if he waited a month or two and found somewhere nearby.

As you can imagine, the month or two passed, as did six months, a year and now nearly two bloody years. I finally lost my rag last week. He announced that he was "shell-shocked" by my reaction and would be moving into his sister's place 1.5 hours away.

He'd like to stay at mine until January, if you please, as that will be more convenient! I've told him I want him out in 6 weeks which will give me time to do up the spare room and rent it out.

For one reason and another he has never lived independently or even shared a house and is now approaching 40.

If he was going to move back in with his family why didn't he just piss off 2 years ago instead of hanging around, pretending he was looking for a room or studio flat nearby and allowing DC to grow used to to having Dad around the house? Two years ago, DC was so small it would have been a much smaller adjustment.

Now the fuckwit doesn't understand why I'm so angry. He hasn't once raised the issue of how and when he will see DC and just keeps asking what he's done to upset me?!

I'd love him to leave tomorrow but can't afford it. Now just grinding my teeth and wondering whether he will ever bother to come and see DC after he goes.

He didn't piss off 2 years ago because you let him stay.

You're pissed that he's still in the spare room but you can't afford for him to move out? If that's the message you've been giving him, and most probably yourself, for the past 2 years it's not surprising he's still around.

Or have you been chivvying him on a regular basis?

If he's going to stay with his sister why can't he just up and go this weekend or sometime next week?

As for whether he'll bother to 'come and see DC after he goes', he shouldn't be coming to see dc - he should be coming to collect dc and taking dc out or to stay overnight at his place and return dc to your home at the agreed time, or collect drop dc from/at nursery.

If Before he leaves, I would suggest you sit down with him and agree contact arrangements.

If you've been undertaking a DIY divorce congratulations on coming to the end, but I can't understand how he's managed not to open his mail when, presumably, it's delivered to the property you're both living in and you're aware of the imminent arrival of correspondence that requires his timely attention. Haven't you been tempted to use a letter opener to slit his throat open in error certain items of mail that come through your shared letterbox?

Answer to any 'why' is likely to be 'because I am an idiot with too few personal boundaries'.

I've been far too 'reasonable' with someone who is clearly unreasonable. The past 20 months have been a long round of me nagging him, him saying he'll do something and then not doing it. I'm struggling to think straight anymore.

I need to rent out the spare room - it doesn't need to be to exH. It's six weeks rather than tomorrow as I need this month's rent from him immediately and need time to find a suitable lodger.

Yes, the divorce was DIY though we had to get a solicitor to do the consent order. Negotiating agreement on this took a long time even though in the end exH changed virtually nothing I put in there. Was just being awkward.

You are entirely correct about contact arrangements. ExH is good at playing with DC and being "fun dad" but has never done a nursery drop-off, pick-up, bed-time etc.. The chances of him starting now seem slim.

Now wish I had begged or borrowed money from family and got a solicitor to handle everything as I am emotionally burned out from having to deal with him.

I sometimes wish the house was his so that I could have just walked out with DC at the start.

Kick him out now if he can go somewhere else he still needs to pay maintance!

Make contact arrangements before he leaves.

You need space to move on with your life.

He is no longer your concern.

In a way, it sounds as though you have practically stayed married, but in an unhealthy way eg nagging him, tolerating unacceptable behaviour etc.

Good to get him out and stop that now, and also learn for the future.

I suggest you beg/borrow the money to cover any shortfall in rent/decorating materials and pack his belongings boot him out now otherwise another 6 weeks will go by and he won't go anywhere.

Send him off with a diary showing contact arrangements for the next 3 months and don't be surprised if he doesn't avail himself of opportunites to spend time with dc - which on no account should take place in your home otherwise you'll find that he'll move back in on an incremental basis.

You and your dc will be infinitely better off once you've ridded yourslf of this particular piece of deadwood.