Are there any surrendered wives on MN? Anyone who has decided to take a subordinate role?

[petrifiedperson]

NOT intended to be a nasty bunfight, I am just genuinely interested in other people's choices and have never actually met anyone who chooses to live like this.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The money... You never give the man control of the money. Didn't her mother tell her anything? If I'd given control of our household finances to my exH we'd have been sleeping on a bench under a newspaper before the year was out.

[KatieScarlett2833]

I get a new pair of fancy shoes by working, then clicking "add to basket" on my laptop.

Far naicer and less energetic than swallowing, methinks

[Badvoc]

Do you think 50 shades of shite will prompt more women to look into this lifestyle?
It bothers me very much that there are men and women out there that subscribe to this way of life.
I am a sahm and have been for 10 years (with one break prior to getting of with ds2) and I am not remotely surrender.
I am pretty sure dh would like me to be sometimes :)
I did not use the word obey in my marriage vows because I refused to stand in front of God and all my family and friends and lie.
And it would have been a lie. A big fat one.
AF - :o

[MigratingCoconuts]

mamma..your argument sort of assumes that we all accept the word of the Bible to be true.

just because the bible says it, doesn't make it so..imo

[cynner]

AnyFucker..can't disagree with that..

[HoratiaWinwood]

except for househould finances (which I think should be a shared thing), aren't all the other points what you would expect of a more or less sane human being?

Yes - although it isn't expected of the surrendered-to husband. His main responsibilities appear to be "do not take advantage of this great gift your wife is giving you" and "don't hit her too hard, even if she deserves it".

I don't think there are many genuinely 50/50 relationships, to be honest. Maybe 51/49, but someone has the casting vote. In financial matters it's DH, because he has been the main earner for years, and is now the sole earner and because I don't understand money. In child-rearing matters it's usually me.

I'm wittering. Ignore me.

[fluffyraggies]

I think i'm a SW!

That list.

With the exception of the money bit.

Should i be worried?

[chipmonkey]

I could see how someone in an abusive relationship might read that book and it might seem like the best way to a quiet life. But IMO the abuser would just take the piss even more, that being the way of abusers.

at Hully's flower-sprouting vagine!

[HoratiaWinwood]

I didn't say "obey" in my marriage vows because my mother said she wouldn't put a penny towards the wedding if I did. I don't think I would have anyway.

[DistanceCall]

By "shared finances" I don't mean 50/50. I tend to defer to my partner in these things because he works in the financial business and respect him, but he always lets me know what's going on and discusses it with me.

Also (TMI possibly, but anyway) I enjoy "submitting" sexually and he tends to manage many aspects of our life together (we work together) while I usually take on a more secondary role. But that's exactly what I like and prefer, and it's fully clear to both of us that if there's ever anything I don't like, I'll let him know (which I do, quite loudly). Power play and roles are interesting and exciting if you are clear that they are not set in stone, or God's will, or "the way women should be", or any such crap.

(Also, it's got to be absolutely exhausting for a man to be in charge of ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, ABSOLUTELY ALL THE TIME, I would imagine, poor bloke).

[LemonDrizzled]

My DP was in a marriage where his DW "wore the trousers" and as he is an easy going guy he generally jumped as high as she told him to (until she left him!)

Now he is with me he is having to express an opinion on things and he finds this quite difficult after years of "yes dear". If you get a relationship between two naturally submissive people how does that work? We find it quite hard to make decisions when neither of us minds and wants the other one to be happy.

Not that I am submissive BTW I am a fierce old bat, but I love pleasing him, if he could only express a preference!

[BadgersRetreat]

i pretend to be a bit of a SW when people knock on the door trying to sell me gas/electric/alarm systems/gardening/snow removal

i pull the 'oh my husband makes all the decisions about that and he's out right now...' card

i just can't be arsed and it gets rid of them....is that bad?

[cynner]

I love my husband, and enjoy doing things I know will make him happy. I will not surrender my right to participate in all aspects of our marriage. He is better at managing our finances, and I know more about auto maintainance than he does. Some responsibilities are not equally shared but each of us see to the tangibles we know best. I think the emotional contributions depend on which partner is having difficulty or feeling stronger at any given moment.

[OhDearNigel]

I've got the book and have read it lots of times, cover to cover, which is probably more than most posters on this thread. There are a lot of misconceptions about what Laura Doyle promotes being a charter for abuse and degrading the female partner. This simply isn't the case. For her it was a journey into letting go of her extreme control over her DH to try and save their marriage. She chose his clothes & haircut for him, wouldn't let him decide anything and their marriage broke down.

I genuinely think that a lot in the book is helpful regarding surrendering absolute control of your husband and trying to regain a happier, more equal relationship - like the need to constantly criticise and pick everything apart. I know that in the weeks that I tried "surrendering" my control over DH our lives and relationship were a lot happier. However I couldn't imagine DH making all the decisions about everything and would never be able to "do" the whole surrendered thing. LD is very clear that if there is a hint of abusive relationship you leave, not become a doormat. And that respect goes both ways.

IMO the title is a misnomer and the jist of the book is "stop being a harpy and you'll be happier". I actually think a lot of it is quite helpful if you cherry pick. One thing she does say is "you cannot change your husband, you can only change yourself" and I think that is very true.

[panicnotanymore]

This has got to be research for an article. Surely?

SW??? Snort.....

[waltermittymissus]

Badgers I imagine that's quite common. Especially since, when I opened my door to an electicity salesman the other day, he asked was my husband home!

After I had my last child I suffered severely with PND. One of the many results of this was that I would not (could not) deal with any decisions, big or small. When I got better I regained control of myself again. So I guess for a time I was a surrendered wife. But that time was when I was mentally unwell. In my right and healthy frame of mind the very idea is ridiculous! That's not to say that I handle everything but decisions are made jointly. As they should be.

I come from a traditional Catholic Irish background. My parents and sisters are 'old-fashioned' and 'traditional'. It's sickening. To see a woman of 35 rush home so her dh's dinner is on the table. To see a woman whose husband works 2 jobs so they can make ends meet while she stays home all day doing nothing (her children are in school until 3pm) because she's the wife/mother and should be home in case one of the children takes sick. That's not good for her, for her children or for him, running himself into the ground!

I don't think anyone with self-esteem, confidence and self-worth would happily live this lifestyle. There's something very, very wrong about it IMO.

[waltermittymissus]

OhDear she sounds like she was abusive to her dh prior to her cashing in on it changing her ways. Does anyone really need a book to tell them not to pick out an adult's clothes for them?

[SuePurblybilt]

I read the book sometime in the last year of my dysfunctional relationship. Like other posters, I was looking for a way to fix things (was pg) and it was being touted as a way out of all kinds of problems. One I remember was for those wives whose Dhs were shit with money/lying about money it was suggested that they hand over all financial control, let the electricity be cut off etc and that would empower the man to change his ways.
Something about the horror of that idea and the implication that his compulsive lying, fecklessness and bonkers attitude towards responsibility was somehow my fault was enough for me to chuck the idea. Thankfully.

[AnyFucker]

bloody hell, Sue, lucky escape

[Malificence]

I was once asked on here if I was a surrendered wife
In short, no, if anything DH is a surrendered husband
I like my own way far too much and I'm a huge control freak.

[SuePurblybilt]

You have NO idea, AF.
I threw it away, didn't think I should inflict it on someone else, via the charity shop.

[ledkr]

Gosh thats a shock mal id never have thought that

I'd rather eat my own eyes than be a sw.Tbh ive never been inclined towards a man who would want me to be anyway,they like my feistyness and independence.

Seriously though I cannot imagine how you could have a sexual realationship with a man whom you wait on hand and foot.

[Lovingfreedom]

I was asked by a guy on internet dating if I would like to be his SW.
He said that to the outside world it would look like a normal relationship but would I like to surrender all control to him? Erm...not on a first date eh? Twat!!

[garlicnutty]

The ideal christian marriage is a thing of beauty. It's pretty much the same as an ideal muslim marriage, believe it or not. Unfortunately, people tend to have imperfections and are, on the whole, bad at equal power-sharing. When a philosophy dictates that stubborn differences must be resolved by one side (woman) ceding to the other (man), this is clearly going to disempower a hell of a lot of women and facilitate abuses of male privilege.

I read The Surrendered Wife alongside Venus & Mars, while trying to single-handedly make a good marriage out of a horrible one. It did strike me that both authors were basically recommending common sense ... and pushing it to nonsensical extremes. On investigation, it turns out that Doyle is a reformed control freak and Gray had been guilty of neglecting his wife. What they've really done is learnt a bit about how to do 'functional' in a relationship, then turned it into a cult.

The problem, imo, is that women tend to buy these books when feeling distraught about their relationships. By definition, they've taken responsibility for failings in the relationship and are looking to change it by themselves. Obviously this won't work, so they'll pursue each theory to the nth degree, going along with all the least sane extremes out of desperation. If the problems in the relationship come from a skewed power balance (and they nearly all do), her adoption of the books' teachings puts her in an even less powerful position, leaving herself wide open to abuse.

The only exceptions would be the very rare cases where the woman is herself the abuser and seeks to change. Laura Doyle is one such rarity. She's not 'fixed', though, because she takes it to crazy extremes. She'd have done better to learn assertiveness and NLP. But she wouldn't have made a fortune that way ...

Sorry: wrote a dissertation Can you tell I feel strongly about this?!

[Awkwardsquad]

@Garlic - beautifully put.