Are there any surrendered wives on MN? Anyone who has decided to take a subordinate role?

[petrifiedperson]

NOT intended to be a nasty bunfight, I am just genuinely interested in other people's choices and have never actually met anyone who chooses to live like this.

This should be a good one for my alcohol free friday night!

You know, i actually considered this - not seriously, but thought how it would be lovely not to have to worry about the bills and the minutae of day to day life. My DP would "look after me" in that way, i wouldn't have to make any difficult decisions, it would all lie with my DP. The only thing i would have to worry about would be what to have for dinner.

How selfish would that be?? To expect one's partner to be responsible for all the worry? Thats an awful lot of pressure - he would have no one to discuss issues with because that wouldn't be my role. No one to challenge him when he is gong to screw up for want of another perspective.

I have anxiety issues, and to say i am a control freak is an understatement. My DP very much does have to shoulder things alone sometimes because my anxiety makes me unable to cope with things but instead of surrendering i go into full pit bull terrier mode and want things sorted out NOW and quite frankly, its ugly. I am having this week, to keep a lid on my feelings over certain things that i don't agree with DP doing (with regards to how he is dealing with business and money issues), its killing me but i think its far better than a confrontation, so in that way, im surrendering a bit i guess - because DP is the one who is having to deal with these things as i cannot contribute at the moment. He isn't doing things the way i would, but he is doing what he can. So from here, the "surrendered wife" has lots of appeal, as someone who is probably the diametric opposite.

I suppose there is a type of person who is so insecure that they only feel relaxed & happy when they are obeying orders from someone else rather than the whole arduous business of thinking for themselves....

I work full time and do most of the housework when I get in from work and weekends when DP is at work. I do most of the food and shopping aswell. It's my choice though. I do it better than him.

cogito I wonder that too, whether it is just pleasurable to have an authority figure to praise you and lots of little achievable goals to fulfil.

That's a laugh... show me a family where the mum isn't running the show !

My Neighbour is a SW.

She spends her whole time running round after her DH. She asks him every morning what he wants for his dinner and she goes out and cooks it. She cant make and decision without consulting him and he will come home and tell her that the house isnt tidy enough so she needs to get cleaning.

The same kind of 'pleasure' a labrador receives when it jumps through hoops for its trainer and gets a chocolate drop, no doubt.... I'm from t'North and up there a woman's place is firmly in charge. The idea of surrender would be met with loud but hollow laughs.

I am a surrendered wife. My DH is a surrendered husband. It means putting each other first - or trying to. Often my DH is better at this than I am. We are Christians and believe we should submit to each other.

@vageratops...your neighbour is suffering from domestic abuse.

How on earth can you submit to each other? You're either equals or you're not.

Well, i've been on WIKI and this is what i've gleaned so far.

The author of the core book of this movement maintains that she does not advocate submissiveness or the surrendering of one's self; she proposes the surrendering of control over others.

The "Surrendered Wives" movement is centered around six basic principles:

a wife relinquishes control of her husband's life
she respects his decisions for his life
she practices good self-care (she does at least three things a day for her own enjoyment)
she also practices receiving compliments and gifts graciously
she practices expressing gratitude (thanking her husband for the things he does)
a surrendered wife is not afraid to show her vulnerability and take the feminine approach

Continuing in an abusive, alcoholic, or adulterous relationship is not promoted or condoned.

Having female support is cited by Laura Doyle as a critical component for success for the woman who chooses to surrender.

Her critics see Doyle as advocating that women should be submissive to their husbands.Doyle responds that many critics appear to have little knowledge of the principles described in the book and simply react to what they imagine the book says.

Hmm. I think this is all very open to misinterpretation.

Thing is, surrendering isn't about who does the housework.

It's about handing over control of all life decisions to your husband. It's about him deciding everything - day-to-day stuff and the broader path your lives will take. You can (supposedly) make an argument or contribution but effectively his is the last word on all subjects. You hand over your life. His word is the law. It's not a partnership, it doesn't teach you how to relate to each other, or work through problems together. It's deeply, deeply depressing.

I considered it simply because I was desperately unhappy and looking for a solution, any solution. Unsurprisingly, this wasn't it. Divorcing the twat was, though

MamaMary - how does it work? genuinely interested? your relationship just sounds like equals that you are both considerate towards each other, that is brilliant, but i dont see it as "surrendered"

My cousin is a SW. She home schools her five children, makes clothes for her family, has a huge veg garden, gives many hours a week to the church, and does not drive.
This is not a life style I would ever choose for myself. She seems very happy. She is also one of the most compassionate people I know.

"take the feminine approach"

For a start... what the actual focaccia is 'the feminine approach'????? "I've just received a bank statement, I shall adorn it with ribbons"...????

One of my former best friends.

Former because she is no longer close with any of us. She's Born Again and her husband is the head of the family as Christ is His church. Her vows said she would submit to him. In fairness I don't think he takes the piss at all, he seems to worship the ground she walks on and is a good guy. But she thinks her former feminism was the devil leading her astray and she no longer believes in evolution, either. Despite being an Oxbridge natural science graduate.

She's really happy though. TBH she was clinically depressed most of the time I knew her. She has a purpose, a role and a community who unconditionally love her, plus believes she is loved by an almighty omniscient being who keeps her welfare central to His thinking - and she doesn't need to think for herself anymore. I can see the appeal in many ways. She is genuinely happy and I'm glad for her. But she only says hello now and then. Her friends are the ones who share her beliefs, not those she made in her feminist, atheist bisexual days.

I miss her.

Oh yes, and she and her husband practise God led family planning. She has a baby approximately every two years. She says she will have as many children as God blesses her with.
I nod, smile, and bless my coil.

Just reading about it makes me feel suffocated and as though I'm in a straight jacket.

Each to their own I suppose.

There is NO WAY I could lead that lifestyle and I find it hard to get my head around why anyone would want to.

er, the definition of "submit" is to take the lower-status role

two people cannot "submit" to each other

MamaMary I think you are talking about an equal partnership, are you not ?

cynner - does your cousin actually describe herself as a SW?

"I've just received a bank statement, I shall adorn it with ribbons"...????

I think about this in the sae way as TheCalming - it's a bit selfish to say to your partner that he should have all the worry in your joint lives whilst you will just make the tea.

A partnership is just that. When I was single, and little things went wrong, that was the time I missed having someone around because its just a bit more difficult facing a problem alone.

That would be what you were putting on him. Except it would be times two because it would be your problems are well as his.

I'd rather be a grown up, and have my tea made for me sometimes.

Thank God I didn't hand all the decision-making over to XH. He was an idiot.

Mind you, not enough of an idiot to think he should make all the decisions. Then he wouldn't have had anyone to blame if they didn't work out.

there is a school of thought that says the "surrendered" wife is actually the one in control

Oh AF.... you are a one.... .....