Need some help.(sorry long)

[KillerRack]

This is about my relationship with my DF.
he has been a convert (islam) for a long time like over 10 years. the thing is he is fanatical will lecture you on and on and getting funny with you and can be quite unpleasant if you are not seen to be 'listening'.
I have always on some level suspected MH issues he is very paranoid and very into conspiracies more so than is healthy, he throws around some wierd accusations about his last work place and tbh I suspect his wierd ideas make him unemployable.
he does have hygiene/appearance issue but atm my main concern is the above.
I confronted him recently about missing important occasions and that if he wanted to be considered part of the family he should be more bothered about our feelings. I also pulled him up on a few time where he was aware his sermoning was making me very embarrassed but he continued, to the point where I needed to leave the room. (growing up such a fanatic created a lot of panic/anxiety problems in me).
I basically said if he didn't avoid that subject around me I wouldn't see him because he blatantly disregards my feelings as he feels its so important.
I recognise this is harsh but like I said to him , (getting married ) I need to reign him in so I am not spending my big day worrying about his behavior.

In 3 long and draining callsI have not had ,
An apology.
An apology for all missed occasions.
A guarantee it wont happen again. (If I ask him to promise he gets very arsy)

He said he can sense shadowy figures and mind control and it makes him angry, and we are bullying him.
Went ballistic when I said if he embarrassed me again he would be asked to leave.
Said I just want to help and 'get you sorted' 'he has concerns' he wants to meet for a more 'in depth conversation'.
Tbh I'm very drained and panicky and need some good ways to disengage and deal.
Please help I'm at a loss.

"Did your cousin live apart from you?."

Yes, we live at other ends of the country. She lives with other members of the family but, on one level, they were too close to the problem to see that she how much she had deteriorated. On another level I think, like you, they didn't know what to do for the best, didn't want to get her 'put away' or risk embarrassment locally. After my phone-call to her GP the medical team visited, admitted her to hospital, there was no fuss about it, all the neighbours knew was that she was 'unwell' and now she's far better.

the door incident- he's been told if he ever does that again police will be called and he hasn't which makes me think he's just abusive in that sense if he can control it? I don't know.

my hormones are all over the place,

his hygiene is poor but he can feed etc he has my siblings and to a level he can care for to an extent.
I would rather involve GP that mosque I don't know these people and I really don't want to humiliate him in front of the only community he values. IYSWIM.
Its not so much embarrassment of a diagnosis tbh it would make explaining his behaviour easier, but he is more likely to refuse and then act out more to 'punish me'. Or go round and kick off at my mum who lives alone :'(.
I actually have no idea who his doctor is.

It sounds incredibly similar to the first signs of paranoid schizophrenia in a family member. They have never once apologised for any rude, aggressive, nasty or weird behaviour, and act like it never happened after the event. That is part of the illness.

I also spent years thinking this person was a piece of work, and virtually cut them out of my life. I feel very bad about that now. They are lovely, and actually very caring.... just ill, and damaged

Hmm, still haven't heard from him.

I told him not to contact me until he apologizes, so that may be never. but like you say more likely he will ring, acting like nothing happened.
He doesn't want to loose us yet his religion is always a much higher priority.
which is why he kicks off I don't think he can make that compromise, but at the same like my DM said I am an adult now and my relationship with him has to be on my terms.
I told him a lot of kids would have fucked him off years ago so I'm not some demon child.
Argh, I am going to see what he does next all I can really, but some food for thought on here.

If he rings again and starts being difficult, Any good phrases etc to cut him and stop it going on?

other day i recieved 2 long calls I was so drained afterwards I could barely move :'(

If he really is ill, you cannot reason with him, and you need to stop thinking along the lines of you need an apology, need phrases to stop him, all of that. He isn't rational, if he is paranoid schizophrenic he doesn't see that anything he has done is unacceptable, and will be totally convinced that you are the crazy one. It's all part of the illness. It is a horrible horrible illness, and very draining on the family.... but it is not the sufferer's fault. They are suffering more than you are in all of this. It is isolating, frightening etc

Speak to your GP about the effect it is having on you, and ask for their advice.

You still seem preoccupied with getting an apology and the idea of dealing with him solo when I and a few others now have pointed out that, if he is mentally ill, none of those things are going to be on the cards. I'd urge you to read this section from NHS Choices on the symptoms of Paranoid Schizophrenia and then talk to your GP about your concern for your DF. Some extracts you might find relevant

Delusions. A delusion is a belief that is held with complete conviction, even though it is based on a mistaken, strange or unrealistic view. It may affect the way people behave. Delusions can begin suddenly or may develop over a period of weeks or months.
Some people who experience delusions find different meanings in everyday events or occurrences. They may believe that people on TV or in newspaper articles are communicating messages to them alone, or that there are hidden messages in the colours of cars passing in the street.

Changes in behaviour and thoughts Behaviour may become more disorganised and unpredictable, and appearance or dress may seem unusual to other people. People with schizophrenia may behave inappropriately or become extremely agitated and shout or swear for no reason.
Some people feel that their thoughts are being controlled by someone else, that their thoughts are not theirs, or that the thoughts have been planted in their mind by someone else.

Getting help for someone else Due to their delusional thought patterns, people with schizophrenia may be reluctant to visit their GP if they believe there is nothing wrong with them.

If a person who is having an acute schizophrenic episode refuses to seek help and it is believed that they present a risk to themselves or others, their nearest relative can request that a mental health assessment is carried out.

Ask your DM which GP he is registered with. Chances are it will be the same one as when they were together. People rarely change their GPs. Tell your GP everything you have said here.

Another source of support/input could be the Imam at his mosque, have you tried that?