Totally Confused?

[angeld40]

Hi,
I've been in a relationship for since January. The relationship is good apart from one thing, sex! I'll say I'm tired when getting into bed, and say good night. Next thing he's cuddling up to me, and starts to touch my breasts and moves lower. I'll say stop, I'm tired, and he'll stop for a while, then start again, maybe thinking as he says that he'll turn me on and I'll give in. If I complain he'll say that he wants to make love and is really hard (sorry). He'll even wake me up by touching me as he's still turned on.
I am reliant on him in the sense that he really helps financially and is very supportive in all other ways. BUT, I am getting so upset with his behaviour. He sulks and thinks its rejections if I say I need time on my own for a few days.
This is not the first time he has behaved like this sexually, and when we spoke about how it made me feel, he was apologetic and said it wouldn't happen again.
I really don't know what to do??

Leave him.

Sorry but someone like this has clearly got a problem with respect and personal boundaries.

His sexual gratification matters more to him than your feelings do and that's not love.

Not to say he would go as far as raping you but it would be a natural progression for someonewho doesn't give a sh*t whether you say no or not.

Sorry you're in this situation

particularly if you've already discussed it and it's had no effect whatsoever.

You cannot afford to be reliant on a man that doesn't respect you in the slightest. Don't you see that he thinks he owns you? In his eyes, he pays the bills so you owe him sex.... there's a not very nice word for that kind of arrangement. If you've discussed it before and, despite promising to stop, he is carrying on groping you against your wishes he has a serious problem.

Make yourself independent and preferably find a new boyfriend.

Can't blame a man for trying - BUT no im tired means no im tired in this house! The scenario might be, go to bed, DP gets a bit fruity, does everything the OPs DP does, i will be, "gerrof" and he might have another bash, i COULD be persuaded maybe, i LIKE to be persuaded - the key for him to give up is that fateful phrase "im tired" that means No, go and have a wank if you're that desperate!

Why are you reliant on him, you have only known him since january?

Sorry, but lots of red flags here - sulking because he doesn't get his way sexually is horrible. Talk about a way to make sex really unenjoyable

Agree totally with Cogito on this. You've become financially dependent on someone you've been seeing since January? Sorry to sound harsh but...it's early days, the signs are bad in that he's expecting sex in return for his financial contribution, he doesn't respect that 'no' means 'no' and this is not likely to change.
You need to keep control of your life, finances and your body. Sort out your own finances...and dump this creep for someone who respects you and treats you properly.

'Can't blame a man for trying' - I think you can, actually, if you've already made it clear that you're not interested.

If you've got a relationship where it is an acknowledged and established game to make someone change their mind, then that's totally your business - but the OP isn't up for being persuaded, she doesn't want sex, and he knows how she feels about it.

And he still does it.

I think that's different.

Yes, i think i qualified that in my post Ed. Its not a game, i like to be stroked and touched, i thought it was foreplay. What the OPs DP is doing is not foreplay it is pestering, very different, i said this so please don't twist my words. I said, quite clearly, no means no, there are times when i will respond to a bit of persuasion, after 20 years DP and I know each other well enough to know when no means no, fuck off im tired. Actually, i don't think i ever use the word "no" come to think of it, i don't have to. surely if you are in bed with someone and you want to have sex, the thing to do is start stroking and fondling?

I'm not trying to twist your words at all.

I read your whole post and it was only the first line I felt I wanted to respond to and disagree with as it seemed so incongruous in the context of the rest of it.

iyswim

And the OP has already said 'stop I'm tired' and then he has carried on. So yes, touching someone is a fair way to try to initiate sex but not once it's been declined already.

That is sexual abuse. He doesn't respect your wishes or your boundaries and he's trying to coerce you into sex you don't want.
Why are you financially reliant on someone you have only known for 9 months? My advice - get rid, get financially independent and be a bit more cautious with the next guy you meet :)
Becoming dependent on a man is risky. Only do it if you are 100% sure they are a keeper, and don't make you feel obliged to do anything to keep them happy.

Cogito has hit the nail on the head. He is treating you like his property.

I could have written your post OP, except we are 5 years down the line and 2dc, and I am tired, angry and resentful. Five years of not being listened to, feeling like a sex object, putting up with sulking, groping and pleading, and feeling like some kind of frigid freak for not enjoying sex anymore. My DP has just admitted he has a problem and is going to seek help in the form of some counselling, but I think it is too late for us.

Seriously, this is not normal behaviour, I wish I had realised that sooner. Tell him that if he wants to stay with you he needs to stop the sulking and groping and start respecting you. And make moves to make yourself more independent of him asap, whether he sorts himself out or he refuses and you split up.