is it finally all over ?

[allover]

DH and I got to the point about 6 weeks ago where I finally said I wanted us to seperate and divorce. Since then he has been the perfect husband/father. I have good days (well 1 in the last 6 weeks) where I feel that we could have a future together, however most days I feel dead inside, and don't want him anywhere near me.

I look at others and so desperately want my marriage to work, and for us to be a family, but I just think the "couple" bit has gone.

We are trying to date, make time for each other, but I know now it's me and the way I feel that is stopping us.

Basically I've spent the last 2 years suffering from verbal domestic violence, he realises now what a b@st@rd he's been to me and is trying everything to make it o.k.

his sister has said why can't I draw a line under it and forget about the past and move on, my sister say's she knows me and I've got to the point where I don't care if he has another woman so it's all over for us.

I don't know what to do, the rest of my life, my marriage and my childrens upbringing relies on the decision I make now - anyone been there ?

one q - do you trust him not to abuse you again? If you can't answer yes then I wouldn't think it can work.

actually heres another q = if you do stay and he does verbally abuse you again do you think you'll be able to let it go? if you think you can accept it then thats a different thing.

I think the damage is already done, a case of too little too late for your H. I'm sorry

I think that's part of the problem, I told him a few things the other week, one of which has already been thrown back in my face, he's checking my mobile phone, and I don't think he can keep mr perfect routine up for the long term.

and no I won't put up with it, but it's taken me two years to feel strong enough to leave, I don't want those feelings to come back and it take another two years to feel strong enough again - if you see what I mean.

I don't want to be hurt or abused anymore, he says he wont.

actually if I am really honest, I think I'm a little bit scared of all the hastle that will come with a split, it just seems a bit easier to stay and try rather than say it's over.

if it could be done tomorrow without all the hastle in between I'd end it

first time I've admitted that !

My 1st husband was like that, but luckily I never had children with in. Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse in the respect its somebody trying to make you feel bad to infict power over you, and if it happens again and again then you could end up losing all confidence in yourself and not even know your own mind. This is all so they can dominant you and shows their insecurities for having to do this to someone.

You have to of yourself and your children, if your not happy, they won't be happy, and as tough as it seems you have to decide whether your dh could be what you want, but if not then maybe its best to bite the bullet and spilt and then try and work on a friendship with him, so that it is easier for your children. Its better for them that you get on and if it means apart then its better than them living in an enviroment with hostiatey and aggression.

Best of luck with what ever you deciede.

listen - a little hassle is a small price to pay for feeling good about yourself and living a positive life. Don't let the hassle factor be a deciding factor or excuse to hide behind.

Just want to add my support - be strong - I am in a similar situation but there is another woman - one with whom he has had a secret relationship - not sexual he claims. After a horrendous year last year I thought we had put it behind us but I can't forget about the lies and yesterday she phoned him amd he didn't tell me. Today she told me that I "can't stop their feelings for each other" and they spent a year talking about how unhappy they both were in their marriages - this is news to me - oh and also she told me that she spoke to him after Christmas and he had sworn that he hadn't spoken to her since last October! Don't know what to do - DD adores her dad.

Sorry to hijack - I wish you well
x

Uhuru - I am in a very similar situation to you right now with my Dh. Very similar indeed :(

Good luck busybusybee - I hope that you are able to sort it out. For myself - who knows?

allover - if he's checking your mobile phone,and throwing something you say back in your face, it doesn't sound like he's very committed to change . Have you checked out legal/financial practicalities yet around splitting up? If not, I would do so now, rather than wait till the next "crisis".

yes I have, have always earnt more than DH, not an issue for me fortunately, he has taken his wedding ring off again, has told me he feels that he can't get near me, that I have been unnecessarily (sp) nasty to him and he doesn't deserve it.

He looks absolutely miserable. I have run all of the scenarios through my head, if I saw him with someone else etc and it doesn't raise any feeling in me. Even so I still don't want to hurt him.

I really do just wonder if I am looking for some excitement, as noted in some of the other posts, but to be honest I look at him and I feel sad, I don't feel sexy and I don't want to have a physical relationship with him, and I've told him this (think this is why I was nasty) added to this I think I am a bit scared of being on the singles scene again - are there any decent men late 30's+ who are single ?

actually he said that we should split finances at the weekend and it should be on a scale as I earn more - I'm not really sure about the situation around this, and if we do divorce can I keep the house, I'm prepared to buy him out and set him up somewhere else.

Any advice on where I can get practical advice around things like this ? I'd like to think we can do this amicably but who knows, financially I have always contributed a lot more, and ironically he's always taken more for socialising than me

I can't really add much to what have been said but considering that you are in quite a favourable position, I would suggest to get into the hassle of getting a divorce, once you get indifferent to a person there's no way things will be back to what they were. Good luck, I'm sure you can find somebody who can recommend a good family solicitor in your area, and who can explain what your position is. You can try CAB but sometimes it takes AGES to get an appointment and probnably they will sent you to a solicitor anyway...

In terms of working the separation amicably, you could try Relate, they can help you nboth to let go not only to sort the marriage.

have followed others example and have submitted an online query for relate to see what advice that they can give, I'd like to think there's some hope of saving our marriage but I really don't think my heart is in it anymore - just hope I'm not making a really big mistake

Allover, I'm a great believer in what will be will be. You have to a little more faith in yourself and trust your judgement things might be tough for awhile but everything WILL be better. As for any decent men in their 30s - get yourself a toyboy my 2nd dh is 7 years younger me ( was 25 when we met and I was 32) and lifes fanastic with him.

Hope everything turns out the way you want it too.