It's my birthday and I feel like crying - fallen out with DH after first counselling session (long, sorry)

[starrystarrynights]

We've been married almost a year and seem to have stumbled from one disaster to another most of them 'me' related unfortunately -e.g. toxic mother and family issues, me not being treated very well at work and subsequently resigning from a very stressful job.

I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression due to the work situation but I am feeling much since I left work a few weeks ago.

Am constantly being told by DH that he does not want to be with someone depressed, that I am always negative and need to lose weight (well I have put on some weight but am only a size 12!), He now openly stares at women when we are out and says that's ok as he does not see it at home anymore! I hear from him that I just could not handle my job and that this is the reason I left. The reality is that I earned more than twice what he does managing a really difficult job whilst dealing with DD and did this for many years as a single parent. It is just demoralising.

It used to take a lot to make him angry now he becomes angry at smaller things and then sulks for days. It is the sulking which I just cannot stand, and it hangs over the house like a cloud. He can be aggressive in his shouting too.

Finally bit the bullet today, my birthday, and went to see a counsellor. He glossed over many of the issues I raised making himself sound really good. To make things worse he came out of the meeting saying 'did you see how reasonably I came across, I presented myself very well, she was staring at you all of the time and focussing on you because you are the problem'.

Just feel so frustrated and undermined by this. We have now had a massive argument - he is not talking to me because I would not stop everything right now this minute when we got back to help him with some DIY and because I wasn't happy about the things he said to the counsellor

He is now in the living room on the phone to his friend as if nothing has heppened and I'm in the bedroom feeling as if I could cry...

To be honest before all of the stressy things happened, he was such a cheery person but he has reacted negatively to all of this and turned into a horrible person.

Starry

Please do not go to any more joint counselling sessions with your abusive husband, your story is another example as to why joint counselling does not work. He played that counsellor to perfection.

Sole counselling for yourself is essential.

Your H is abusive and will not change. He is projecting onto you. You can only change how you react to him. I sincerely hope you manage to get him out of your day to day life asap as he is dragging you down with him.

You may want to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. He also writes online why joint counselling does not work with abusive men.

Re your controlling mother (not altogether surprised therefore that you are in an abusive relationship, she set you up from childhood to be conditioned for that) I would also read either Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and If you had controlling parents written by Dan Neuharth.

Starry,

for your birthday yesterday. Hope your birthday next year will be a lot happier.

This cannot be fixed however, he will not change.

My Muslim friend has been married twice, both times to on the surface charming but in the end emotionally abusive men. She has now managed to separate from her second H. She also has a child. Her child was becoming increasingly emotionally affected by the ways in which her mother was treated (she all too clearly heard and saw more than was realised); that was my friend's catalyst to getting out.

You are NOT a bloody failure if you were to divorce this man, HE is the failure here. I certainly do not see my friend as a failure, absolutely not.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships, you cannot afford to impart such damaging lessons to this young person because they after all learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship. No-one.

I was ready to say something positive about him and saying to try and save your marriage. But honestly he sounds as if he's being really horrible to you. So for once I agree with those who say leave him. I don't think those counsellors have the wool pulled over their eyes that easily. Nobody can deal with this type of constant criticism.

Bless you starry
I understand, but you know, the embarrassment you would feel would be short term. Staying with an abuser will make you unhappy for a lot, lot longer.
It's not just Muslims who feel the pressure not to 'fail' though, but I think maybe you feel obliged to him, as if he did something noble by marrying you? I know my SIL (divorced, one DS, Muslim in a Muslim country) is very wary about getting married again for this reason - she worries that she'll attract a dick who expects her to be eternally grateful to him. She has met a couple of men like that already.
Op, he didn't do you a favour by marrying you. He was blessed to have the chance to be a step dad to your child. If he loses that position through his abusive behaviour that will be his failure, not yours.

Happy Birthday Starry

Your DH is abusive. He actually did a great job of revealing himself for what he is during and after the counselling session, the classic behaviour of abusers to try and turn what was said against their partner. You know it's not a co-incidence he has laid it on heavily on your birthday, he will not want you the centre of positive attention and he also knows you are vulnerable.

You and your DC deserve so much better.

Thanks everyone, I just had to get back into bed with a cup of tea once I had dropped Dd of at school I just felt so awful. But a morning on Mumsnet has cheered me up me no end:).

Thankfully, for the first time in months I am meeting some mums from school tonight so it will be so nice to get out of the house. I know that you are all right in what you say, I just need to process it and decide what to do. It's really scary, I can deal with being on my own again it's just the sigma factor of it all and my mug has just been waiting for it not to work out so that she can tell me I'm to horrible to ever be happy. Aghh. Disowning her is not an option Islamically.

I'm going to have a look at the books you have recommended too.

Thank you everyone, your kind words really mean a lot to me.

Apologies for the spelling mistakes, did not check before sending

That's so sad about your mum Can you distance yourself from her? Move away perhaps?

Without wanting to sound offensive - I think you have to weigh up the cost of your emotional well being against what is acceptable by your religion. Is there someone at your local religious center you could talk to about being able to separate yourself from her? When I was a practicing Christian, the Deacon was there to book appointments with if you needed to discuss things. I had a few meetings with her when I was dealing with some issues at home.

I'm sure I'm over simplifying, because I no longer have that religious side to my life, but if your mother is such a negative impact on you, surely no religion would insist on you continuing to suffer? There are always exceptions where every aspect can't be followed.

How important is your religion to you? Sometimes, what you've been brought up to believe is important, less because of actual faith, but because of the acceptance of the community, you feel part of things, that there are people who will be behind you, that you are loved. Sometimes that's not what religion actually gives you, sometimes you find yourself wrapped up in barbed wire instead.

I ask you the same question about your mum.

About your 'd'h (who is being a spoilt brat and behaving abominably).

One marries for all sorts of reasons, but whatever they are, one should have a reasonable expectation that when the shit hits the fan, your spouse will be there offering a shoulder to cry on, kindness, love, cups of tea. I'm afraid it sounds like your brat is a self-entitled twat who thinks that he need not give his dw any support of any kind, but should just throw himself on the floor drumming his heels and screaming "it's not fair" at the moment when he is asked to show his love by actions not mere words - talk is cheap, isn't it, and very easy when everything is going your way.

In other words, he's a knobber.

Sorry you're going through this. Try to remember that the people who enhance your life will not judge you badly for being strong enough to dump a deadweight sharpish while giving your child a fantastic example of how abusive partners should be treated. Let him live with your mum. That'll learn her!