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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL moan

7 replies

theredhen · 20/09/2012 16:57

DP's step Mum organised a surprise party for his sisters birthday last Saturday. Totally off her and DP Dad own back. We offered to help, got told to make starters. No problem. Offered help on the day, told everything under control and just bring yourselves.

DP and I had a few very rare and precious child free hours on Sunday, so went out to lunch together.

Last night, DP's step Mum rants at DP that he should have helped with clearing up on Sunday and we shouldn't have gone out and had lunch.

Now is it me or if you decide to throw a party at your house, you don't expect anyone else to help? If it's offered, then great but you don't have a go at someone for not driving 20 mins back the next day to help you clear up?

She has never offered to come and help the next day when I've had parties and nor have I expected her or anyone else to.

And more to the point they don't help us with the children, so it's not like we get any time to ourselves thanks to them. So, I don't see why when we get some time off we should be helping them, especially when they refused our offer anyway!

She's always like this. Makes all these big arrangements, won't accept offers of help, then snaps at us for not doing enough!

Getting a bit sick of it.

OP posts:
weegiemum · 20/09/2012 17:09

Yes, didn't you know you're supposed to be a mind-reader? Aren't all DILs psychic and can read their MILs mind?

No, yanbu (though I know this is relationships!)

I'm staying with my MIL right now. She's out with the children and asked me to turn on the oven for tea. I'm stressing over whether I should be peeling potatoes too but she didn't tell me to - and it's hard to know what to do!!

How wild a party was it that she needed help to tidy up next day?

Dh and I have had 3 lovely child free hours this afternoon! Have to admit we've spent most of it in bed Grin

theredhen · 21/09/2012 09:20

There were 40 people at the party and I've been told most of the clearing up was done on the night (we left early because of the kids).

It just really annoys me when people say one thing but mean another, you never know where you are with them!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/09/2012 09:26

"Makes all these big arrangements, won't accept offers of help, then snaps at us for not doing enough!"

If you know this, be proactive. Make your offers of help very audibly, with witnesses and repeat them several times. If complaints of not doing enough happen subsequently, remind her that you offered help several times, in front of various people, and were turned down... Set the trap and, if she's a bit thick, she'll spring it.

CailinDana · 21/09/2012 09:28

Even better, say beforehand "Look MIL, I'm offering help now, if you want it, please take it, but if you refuse it, please don't get angry at us afterwards for not helping. I want to help, if you'll let me."

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 21/09/2012 09:29

Argh. I can't stand passive aggressive 'no, I don't need help' nonsense when they actually mean 'You should know I need help so why are you even asking?'

Drives me bonkers. I either ask and accept the response at face value or get on a do something.

TBH your MIL's reaction would have gone straight over my head Grin

theredhen · 21/09/2012 11:46

Just makes me feel that she's not genuine and sincere and I can't trust anything she says.

She's snapped before because we walked in when she was having lunch, and yet she had moaned we didn't pop in and see her before!

To be honest, because she's DP step mum and not real Mum, it probably makes it easier because DP doesn't have that bond with her at all either.

OP posts:
OpheliasWeepingWillow · 21/09/2012 11:48

Yup. Passive aggressive. I'd just get on with things and not make a drama out of them. Popped in at the wrong time? Say a cheery 'Sorry!' and turn on your heels out of the door again. Smile

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